Rock of Replacements

As you already know, Bret Michaels may not be returning to Rock of Lurv. I will miss his trout pout to be sure, and just who can wear a blond Euro-wig with such pizazz??? Well, Television Without Pity has taken a stab at narrowing down the 80s rocker field to a select few and I highly recommend moseying over and taking a peek - it's HI-larious!! But, if you don't have as much free time as some people I know at your day job, here's a selection of my favorite captions (you still need to head over to TWoP to scope out the accompanying photos, especially for David Coverdale but...), with my two favorite snippets bolded for your convenience:

• I Wanna Rock Of Love With Dee Snider

I have zero basis for this theory, but I've always thought of Dee Snider as one of those Gene Simmons/Marilyn Manson types who, underneath the makeup and aside from the constant single entendres about oral sex, is actually a very bright, savvy guy. Like, by night he's this metal-god drag clown, but by day, he enjoys reading dense academic histories of medieval Japan or what have you.

Wikipedia doesn't back me up on that, but if it were true, I would totally watch the show, because he'd have all these women in leather bustiers all up in his grill, but he'd pick the one he could bond with over rotisserie baseball or Shaker furniture or something.

I realize that I'm overinvested in this idea, but you have to make your own fun in life.

On another note: You know that line from Dazed & Confused where Adam Goldberg's character is like, "I bet she's kind of cute once you clean all the shit off her"? Yeah -- he's actually okay-looking. Get him into some cornrows and you've got a good start.

• Paradise City Of Celebrity Rehab Fit Club Shear Genius Love With Slash And Axl Rose

Okay, maybe neither of them is still using; I don't wish to cast aspersions. But let's face it -- Axl is not what you would call a conventionally handsome guy. A lot of his mojo relied on his ability to torque that whip-thin body around all snaky-like, and...well, this picture isn't so bad, but based on others I've seen, his "Bad Obsession" is not with the garden salad.

If he's motivated to do sit-ups, maybe he'll get motivated to finish the album he started during the Eisenhower administration, is what I'm saying.

And surely it's time for him and Slash to cut those mops off -- especially Slash. Not to sound like my grandmother, who apparently lay awake nights worrying about how me and my cousins couldn't see through our bangs, but: how does the guy function? I picture him bumbling around the grocery store, shopping by feel because he can't see anything. "That's $269.78, sir." "What?! ...Shit, I must have grabbed caviar without knowing it." (Made me laugh out loud!)

The '90s ended. A while ago. Get a nice curly demi-fro and move on; you'll enjoy quality time with the groupies that much more if you can actually see them. Although, at this late date...maybe not.

• Here I Go Again With David Coverdale

Did Coverdale always look like Molly Shannon, or is this a recent development? And please tell me it's just a trick of the light in that shot, and his chest is not actually that vintage-Samsonite color. Regardless, if he wants a couple of dozen hopefuls to writhe around Tawny-Kitaen-style on the hood of a European sportscar, methinks doing up another button or two would help his case.

• Come Sail Away With Dennis DeYoung

Alternate titles include Dennis DeYoung's Crystal Balls and Domo Arigato, Mrs. Roboto.

Alternate wardrobe includes, um, anything but what he's wearing in the pic above. I kind of don't understand what's going on with that... TRL Presents Oklahoma!? Kilroy Was Here -- And He Took All My Clothes, So I Had To Beat Up An Old West Tour Guide?

• Whoooooooop! Of Love With Little Richard

Little Richard looks for love? Could be profoundly disturbing; could just as easily be historical hilarity on the order of Mr. T's show from '06. Little Richard is Big Weird, but I loved his Geico ads...who's with me?

[tap tap] Is this thing on?

(I really like his Geico commercials, too!! Make me laugh.)

• Rock Of Loaf With Marvin Lee Aday

I've really got nothing past the "loaf" pun.

• Who's Cryin' Now With Steve Perry

I'm having a flashback to the scene in Ghostbusters when Mr. Stay Puft turns rogue. Seriously...what happened to his face? I don't have the same skin I had at 25 either, but good grief.