Bye Bye Kiwi, Kiwi Goodbye

I will miss you, my little Kiwi. I knew you were not long for this competition but I'd hoped we'd have a bit more time together.

You will be missed.

Rock of Replacements

As you already know, Bret Michaels may not be returning to Rock of Lurv. I will miss his trout pout to be sure, and just who can wear a blond Euro-wig with such pizazz??? Well, Television Without Pity has taken a stab at narrowing down the 80s rocker field to a select few and I highly recommend moseying over and taking a peek - it's HI-larious!! But, if you don't have as much free time as some people I know at your day job, here's a selection of my favorite captions (you still need to head over to TWoP to scope out the accompanying photos, especially for David Coverdale but...), with my two favorite snippets bolded for your convenience:

• I Wanna Rock Of Love With Dee Snider

I have zero basis for this theory, but I've always thought of Dee Snider as one of those Gene Simmons/Marilyn Manson types who, underneath the makeup and aside from the constant single entendres about oral sex, is actually a very bright, savvy guy. Like, by night he's this metal-god drag clown, but by day, he enjoys reading dense academic histories of medieval Japan or what have you.

Wikipedia doesn't back me up on that, but if it were true, I would totally watch the show, because he'd have all these women in leather bustiers all up in his grill, but he'd pick the one he could bond with over rotisserie baseball or Shaker furniture or something.

I realize that I'm overinvested in this idea, but you have to make your own fun in life.

On another note: You know that line from Dazed & Confused where Adam Goldberg's character is like, "I bet she's kind of cute once you clean all the shit off her"? Yeah -- he's actually okay-looking. Get him into some cornrows and you've got a good start.

• Paradise City Of Celebrity Rehab Fit Club Shear Genius Love With Slash And Axl Rose

Okay, maybe neither of them is still using; I don't wish to cast aspersions. But let's face it -- Axl is not what you would call a conventionally handsome guy. A lot of his mojo relied on his ability to torque that whip-thin body around all snaky-like, and...well, this picture isn't so bad, but based on others I've seen, his "Bad Obsession" is not with the garden salad.

If he's motivated to do sit-ups, maybe he'll get motivated to finish the album he started during the Eisenhower administration, is what I'm saying.

And surely it's time for him and Slash to cut those mops off -- especially Slash. Not to sound like my grandmother, who apparently lay awake nights worrying about how me and my cousins couldn't see through our bangs, but: how does the guy function? I picture him bumbling around the grocery store, shopping by feel because he can't see anything. "That's $269.78, sir." "What?! ...Shit, I must have grabbed caviar without knowing it." (Made me laugh out loud!)

The '90s ended. A while ago. Get a nice curly demi-fro and move on; you'll enjoy quality time with the groupies that much more if you can actually see them. Although, at this late date...maybe not.

• Here I Go Again With David Coverdale

Did Coverdale always look like Molly Shannon, or is this a recent development? And please tell me it's just a trick of the light in that shot, and his chest is not actually that vintage-Samsonite color. Regardless, if he wants a couple of dozen hopefuls to writhe around Tawny-Kitaen-style on the hood of a European sportscar, methinks doing up another button or two would help his case.

• Come Sail Away With Dennis DeYoung

Alternate titles include Dennis DeYoung's Crystal Balls and Domo Arigato, Mrs. Roboto.

Alternate wardrobe includes, um, anything but what he's wearing in the pic above. I kind of don't understand what's going on with that... TRL Presents Oklahoma!? Kilroy Was Here -- And He Took All My Clothes, So I Had To Beat Up An Old West Tour Guide?

• Whoooooooop! Of Love With Little Richard

Little Richard looks for love? Could be profoundly disturbing; could just as easily be historical hilarity on the order of Mr. T's show from '06. Little Richard is Big Weird, but I loved his Geico ads...who's with me?

[tap tap] Is this thing on?

(I really like his Geico commercials, too!! Make me laugh.)

• Rock Of Loaf With Marvin Lee Aday

I've really got nothing past the "loaf" pun.

• Who's Cryin' Now With Steve Perry

I'm having a flashback to the scene in Ghostbusters when Mr. Stay Puft turns rogue. Seriously...what happened to his face? I don't have the same skin I had at 25 either, but good grief.

My Little Pro Rocks!

Some people might call me a label snob - that I only by products with a certain name when any old manufacturer will do. I disagree; my mother knows a LOT about what products are best for specific tasks and I totally trust her judgment. If she has a KitchenAid, I have a KitchenAid and so on. I've always found my mom's stuff to be terrific and have no qualms about following in her footsteps. People may think that's silly, that any old food processor will do - it doesn't have to be a Cuisinart. Well, would any old food processor survive an attack by a mallet and a hammer?! I think not. My Cuisinart did and it's still choppin'. It's awesome! I doubt a genero processor would fare as well and that, my friend, is why I am a "label whore."

But, let me back up a moment. This all started, oh, about three weeks ago. I inherited the Little Pro Plus from my dad's uncle, so it's an older version (in fact, the LPP is discontinued at this point) but it hadn't been used heavily by its previous owner and worked like a champ. I don't use it too terribly often myself which is why, I think, I had a retarded moment. As much as I take after my mom I also (in this case, unfortunately) take after my dad. And my dad has a history of "herking" things... basically, using excessive physical force to push, pull, whack or otherwise manipulate something that won't be moved. We all laugh when things go awry, as they often do, as a result of the herking but I never thought it would infect me. I have too much of my mother in me to let the herk gene take over, right? Well, I guess my life just sucks because I got stupid double-jointed elbows that look malformed and humungo beaver teeth from my mom's side but not her inherent logic. Score!

A few weeks back I needed to grate some cheese - a perfect job for the processor, of course. So, I grabbed the blade and stuck it on the post but it wouldn't sit properly. Maybe that's because a pentagon-shaped hole won't ever fit snugly over a round post but whatever. I wasn't understanding the problem at the time so I just kept pushing the blade down (two-handed) until it finally quit wobbling. Success! I proceeded to grate my cheese and everything seemed hunky dory (if a little less smooth than usual) until I tried to lift the blade off to retrieve my cheese. Hmm... it didn't really lift off quite so easily... and there was nothing protruding from the blade which would've made the job easier, you know? So, before I pulled a Swiffer on the LPP, I asked Robert to come over and use his man strength to pull the blade off. That didn't work. I held on to the base of the unit while he used two hands to pull. Didn't work. He stood on the base while he tried to pull the blade off. Didn't work. He tried using pliers to get into the tiny hole between the blade hole and the post and then pulled. Didn't work. He tried taking the base apart to see if there was a way to force the bowl off. There wasn't. Then he went hard core on LPP's ass - he brought out the mallet and tried to whack the entire bowl off. I held the base down and he whacked - the bowl did not budge. Not even a little bit. After repeated blows, the only thing that even moved was the bowl handle, which broke off and flew into the sink.

The worst part of all this was my meal was almost finished... but I really needed the cheese! It was the only block I had and I couldn't serve the meal without it. So, we moved on to Plan 2: beating the crap out of the LPP. Robert was reluctant to bust the bowl of the LPP because he didn't want to ruin it. I informed him that it was already ruined - it was either going to be busted or inoperable in perpetuity in its current state (with moldy, petrified cheese to boot). So, he took the whole thing outside to the patio and beat my poor little Cuisinart to death with a hammer. Or so I thought. Turned out that the Little Pro is a hard nut to crack! All Robert's attack did was bust the grating blade - the bowl refused to break. The base was a bit worse for wear - you can see the black mallet smudges to the left, there - but everything seemed to still be in working order. Awesome! And the best part? Robert saved the cheese!! And my Speedy Layered Enchilada Pie was saved along with it!!!!!

Still, there was one tiny problem: we no longer owned a grating blade. I just had to buy another one, right? Not so fast - Cuisinart no longer makes the LPP. Bastards!! They make a Mini-Mate and a Handy Prep but no Little Pro Plus. It's the same thing, Cuisinart! You suck! Luckily, though, after a long Web search I was able to locate a vendor who sells discontinued Cuisinart parts and I was able to buy a new blade for $10. Sweet! It arrived on Monday and last night was the first time I was able to try it out. I am happy to report that not only did I remember to use the adapter* this time but the LPP worked like a champ and grated my cheese like nobody's business. You would never even know that we'd tried to assassinate it less than a month before! :o) If that's not a fantasmic endorsement for Cuisinart's products, I don't know what is.

* Throughout the molestation of the LPP, Robert kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't missing a part. And I kept assuring him that no, I set it up just like I always did. Then a funny thing happened; I looked in the Lazy Susan for a different grate when I came across a little... hollow stick. Round on one end and pentagon-shaped on the other. D'oh! I bet that's what I was supposed to use to get the blade to sit properly on the post, eh? Whatevs. It had been a while since I'd grated! I forgot!! Sue me!

The Cruise Chimps

Image courtesy of Gallery of the Absurd

This post made me smile but I didn't really chuckle until I noticed the platform shoes on Tom's chimp... hee! Too funny! [And too true... his lifts are notorious in the gossip community and just the other day, Lainey had some photos of his very Posh-like platform tennis shoes.] The artist here is pretty darn good... he's really captured Katie's crazy teeth and TomKat's unisex hairdo. You should really check out the original post - the picture is funny but the accompanying commentary really makes it hilarious!

The Suspenders Do What?

Holy macaroni... what the hell are these?!!!!

Images courtesy of thegluttony.com

Yowza. I have since seen this on a few more sites but the jeans do not get any better looking the more you see them. Who would seriously buy these??? Supposedly, they are the ideal mix of baggy and tight jeans - so your 90s and 00s fashion senses can meld flawlessly, see? Perfect for the indecisive! I am the poster girl for indecisiveness and I wouldn't wear these if you paid me. [Well, that's not entirely true, but you'd have to pay me a fair amount! ;o) I wear neither baggy nor tight jeans and never have; I have staunchly refused to evolve from high school and still wear boot cut jeans. It doesn't matter what I wear, because by the time I've cut off the 3 inches of leg that are dragging the ground all my pants look the same, anyway!]

The jeans are made by Commando and yes, they are a real company but no, I don't know if the jeans themselves exist in real life. Many on the Web seem to think they're someone's idea of a joke and the jeans aren't featured on Commando's site... but I tend to think that they are the real deal. I don't know why - maybe because they're just too horrendous not to be someone's vision of a good idea. Can't you picture Mary-Kate Olsen wearing these as part of her daily couture parade? The perfect accompaniment to bug-eye sunglasses, unkempt hair and razor-sharp shoulder blades, no? One good thing you can say about the jeans: you'll never have camel toe. I'm just saying...

"Why So Similar?"

Whoa! I came across this at Defamer.com and it's pretty interesting how similar the trailers really are. I don't know if CollegeHumor.com did any editing of their own, but I don't think we're supposed to think so. Regardless, I agree with Defamer:

Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight—the hotly anticipated, second chapter of his radical re-envisioning of the Batman franchise for Warner Bros.—might be less of a radical re-envisioning than we might have been led to believe. Frankly, they could prove the entire thing was lifted frame-by-frame from an NYU film school thesis project, we wouldn't be any less excited about it. Dark Knight! Whooo! Movie of the summer!

UPDATE: Dang. According to Gawker.com "College Humor asked why these two previews were so similar — it appears to be because someone remixed the original movie to resemble the new trailer. So really, this is one trailer, plus one pseudo-trailer." LAME! Of course, Gawker offers no links or proof of this statement so it could be false in and of itself but the trailers are waaaaay to similar for me to think they're both 100% authentic.

TV Tidbits 06 - CSI

Maybe this is why Gary and CSI "mutually" parted ways...

CSI's Gary Dourdan was busted in Palm Springs yesterday on suspicion of possessing heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the actor was asleep in his car at 5:21 AM when they approached the vehicle and made the bust.

Naked or Singing?

As you know, I am guilty of watching movies/TV shows I wouldn't normally be interested in simply because (at least) one of my hot men is involved. I admit it - I'm a hot man movie whore. Sue me. Actually, hot men movies fall into four categories (how scientific of me): (1) those that are good (and I probably would've seen anyway, even without them); (2) those that I've watched start to finish but there but it was a struggle and I haven't done it since; (3) those I've tried to watch but just couldn't make it through; and (4) those that just looked so awful even the hot factor could not make up for it. Numbers 1 and 3 are pretty evenly spread, number 4 is close behind and number 2 consists of just a handful of films. Still, I am a true fan and I almost always try to support my man-friends, the top of which are Christian Bale and Ewan McGregor. Both are good actors in addition to being some mighty fine eye candy but both are also prone to selecting off-beat, independent films and I'm about as deep as a puddle here, people. Independent films and I usually don't mix, dig? But, there has been the odd little film that I've actually enjoyed, like Metroland and Big Fish (okay, the latter isn't really an independent film but (a) I probably wouldn't have seen it in the theater had Ewan not been in it and (b) I really have to stretch for ol' Ew-y-poo!).

The point of all my rambling? I'm not sure, since I could've just posted the link and left it at that BUT I wanted to preface it with an explanation as to why I found it interesting. :o) EW.com has a slideshow of some of Ewan's films subtitled "Naked or Singing?" It's true - the man does like to sing and has let it all hang out on more than one occasion. Or five. Whatever. The point is he has a great voice and he certainly has no reason not to drop his drawers (*cough cough*) so he may as well go for it, I say. He gave an interview once where he pointed out that female nudity is quite prevalent in today's films and he thinks it should be an equal opportunity endeavor... He's "doin' it for the ladies." And the ladies thank you! :o)

Anyhoo, of the 18 movies in the slideshow: 5 fall into group 1, 4 into group 2, 5 into group 3 and 4 into group 4. [One of the movies in group 3 is Velvet Goldmine which I thought was a hot man goldmine because it starred both Ewan and Christian. Ewan + Christian x Ewan pantless = WOOHOO!!! How could it lose?! I can't pinpoint exactly where, but it did.] So, Ewan's films are pretty even spread, I'd say. I do wish he'd pick movies I'm more interested in (though Moulin Rouge in one of my favorites and that's even with my abhorring Nicole Kidman!) but it's a testament to his charisma that even after all the blahs, I still keep coming back. In fact, I taped him on Craig Ferguson just last night... ROWRRR!!! [In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably bump the number of movies in group 4 to 5... Ewan was on Craig to promote his new flick Deception which I will not see. I like me some Ewan and Hugh, to be sure, and I thought that would make this movie a must-see. Not so much. It was filmed a while ago (end of '06 - beginning of '07, I think) and has gotten horrific reviews. Shelf-sitters are rarely good movies and that combined with what I've read so far has scared me off from seeing it. Sorry, hot men. Maybe next time.]

UPDATE: Oh, Ewan, Ewan, Ewan. What are you doing?! I just scoped this out at the Daily Mail site and found a couple more blurbs after some follow-up digging. From cinematical.com:

Phillip Morris is based on the true life story of Steven Russell (as played by Jim Carrey). Russell was a married family man whose criminal exploits landed him in the Texas prison system. While incarcerated, Russell fell in love with his cell mate, Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor). After Morris' release, Russell concocted a variety of bizarre escape attempts in hopes of reuniting with the love of his life.
The film...has been described as "Catch Me if You Can meets Brokeback Mountain".

Oh. My. God. There are several things wrong with this, the first of which is why on Earth is Ewan hitching his star to a Jim Carrey movie?!!! No one has liked him since, like, 2003! His last few movies have bombed - sorry if you were one of the three people that saw Fun With Dick and Jane or Number 23 - and, ugh, Ewan could do better. Secondly, who has been clamoring for a mash-up of CMIYC and Brokeback?! Egads! (I mean, I like both of those movies but it wasn't me.) [One tiny-maybe-plus is that the movie also starts Rodrigo Santoro, who is H-O-T. He was hot in Love Actually, anyway... though, as we all know, he can be convincingly de-hot-ified, as seen in 300.] Anyway, the final blow is this movie is being directed by writers who (1) have never directed anything before and (2) wrote Bad Santa. Great googlymoogly... Ewan's not getting any younger; he needs to be a bit more choosy in his projects! His sexily tousled hair and strangely hypnotic guyliner won't work forever... !

Melanie's Birthday

We celebrated my sister's birthday this past weekend with dinner at Claim Jumper and a few hours of Guitar Hero face-offs. Yes, we Kimballs party hard, people!! Actually, that's one of the reasons Robert and I enjoy hanging out with Melanie and Wade so much - they have fun doing boring things just like us!! :o) We geeked out on the Wii for quite a while; I don't think the Blackards went home until almost 4 AM. I'm surprised Mel was able to stay up so late, seeing as she's so old now... I'll be kind and omit her age (though I don't know why I bother - she never reads the damn blog!!) but suffice it to say she should've petered out somewhere around, oh, 11:00 or so. ;o) I kid.

My parents almost always forgo the pleasure of playing GH but Wade has played with us before and he's pretty good. He won't get out of his Easy-level comfort zone but still, he's pretty good. Mel really stunk it up, I have to say, and had never made it through an entire song until this past weekend. In fact, she and I played a coop song our first time up together and she totally got us booed off the stage. Yeesh!! I was not happy. I am, I would say - stop me if you disagree - a wee bit competitive. Even though we weren't competing against each other (if we were, I would have been stoked she got the hook!), she made our team look bad. The nerve!! I may have sucked the fun out of the game at that point, I don't know. Anyway, I am happy to say that Mel did not give up and she improved by leaps and bounds over the course of the night. I'm really glad Robert bought us the 2nd guitar; it's a lot more fun to play the game together instead of sitting around and waiting for your turn! Plus, at this point, I'm better than the people I play against most often so, you know, that's fun. For me. :o) I like to win, what can I say?! Whether or not it's enjoyable to play with me I cannot say...

This cracked me up - look at how still Wade is! He's a statue!!! Not even the tiniest hint of rocking out. He thinks he's Mr. Cool because he can play sitting down and he figured out how to trigger Star Power without tilting the guitar. Ooooh, you're so special - pin a rose on your nose, Wade! Pbth! That's boring! Even the game tells you not to play sitting down, man... Slash would be so disappointed in you.

Formatting Issues

I have been working for a while now to get this stupid new template to look right in Internet Explorer. Well, I've finally decided to give up - it's exasperating!! - so I thought I'd just give you all a heads-up that the blog looks stupid in IE and looks like it's supposed to in Firefox. I've fiddled with the darn code as much as I know how (which is so little it's not measurable with existing technology, let me tell you) and the code is right - it's just doesn't translate correctly in IE. I have a subheading under the title which reads "Wonder No More About the Minutiae of Our Daily Lives!" When viewed with Firefox, the subheading is its proper size - about half that of "Lauren & Robert's Boring Blog." When viewed in IE, it's frickin' HUGE and doesn't even fit on the page. So, in case you're all thinking "Damn! Lauren's retarded!" just know - it's not me, it's you. You're using the wrong browser!! :o) Just FYI.

Moo Moos

Here's a random story for you: Monday night I taped a week-old repeat of Leno because one of his guests was Mark Harmon. So, Mark starts telling this story about how, back when he was a lifeguard in Laguna Beach or someplace like that, he was used to seeing dead bodies pop up out of the water (okaaaaaaay...). On one particular day, he saw what he thought was a dead body float to the surface, so he grabbed his tube and swam out to look it over. It turned out to be a dead cow - the head and tail portions were still submerged but the stomach was protruding from the water. As he pondered what to do, some dudes passing by in a boat (jokingly) told him he should call someone to tow it in and Mark thought that sounded like a logical course of action. So, he tied his tube around the cow and started to swim... He got about 5 strokes out before he realized he wasn't feeling any pull on the cord. All of a sudden, he feels a bunch of stuff hitting his legs and he looks around and he's surrounded by a circle of yellow scunge. Turns out, his tube had cut right through the cow and the things hitting his legs were hordes of fish coming to feed on the cow's innards. Yum!

Now, I guess I'm retarded because I'm thinking "How in the world did a cow get into the ocean?!!" But, I didn't think too much about it and went on with my day. I called Robert up yesterday afternoon to ask him something and relayed the story to him. He says "Oh! This guy I work with just went to Hawaii and said he and his wife saw a dead cow in the ocean. Apparently, it's not that uncommon - they fall off cliffs while grazing and land in the water." Totally random and why on Earth would Robert know that but that's just the kind of guy he is. It's often a bit annoying but in this case it was enlightening; I was so happy to know how the cow got there! :o) I did a quick Yahoo! search and only found a couple articles relating to falling cows but still... an interesting fact to know.

Call Me 'Rizzo of the Red Hat Ladies'

As most of you know, I take tap lessons once-a-week through the City; I just do it for fun and for a little exercise, it's nothing competitive! I've been taking the same class for a few years now and though the peripheral students change from year to year, the core group of us stays the same. We all chit chat and get along really well and it's kind of fun to be in a class where people know and like me (instead of being a wallflower, like I usually am. Yes, I am actually shy in front of strangers, people!!).

The highest level offered through the CoF is 'Intermediate Adult,' so that is what I've taken every time. The City offers two or three separate classes for, ahem, more senior ladies but for some reason most of them feel compelled to take the IA class in addition to whatever senior class(es) they take. I'm not joking when I say that 85% of them are in the Red Hat Society (or something like it) together and practice at each others' houses or at Lake Elizabeth. Anyway, there are about 22 people in the class and I am definitely the youngest. There is one other woman in her late 20s/early 30s, 2 ladies in their mid-30s, 7 or 8 women in their 40s and the remainder are 55+. Oh, and there's Spazzy Man but he's in his 40s, at least (Spazzy Man is a gentleman who is very determined to be a dancer - so much so that he actually brings a tape recorder to class and speaks into as he does the steps [which is really discombobulating to those of us to dance beside him!] - but who just stinks. His movements are extremely jerky and, well, spazzy. Voila - Spazzy Man is born!). Unfortunately, the class has to cater to the lowest common denominator, as it were, so our steps are not terribly difficult... or physically taxing. :o) Don't get me wrong - our steps are not ridiculously doofy or anything; they're just not as hard as they could be at all times.

Robert keeps trying to get me to sign up for a more challenging class and I've definitely put some thought into that. But, I'm very comfortable with the people in my class, I like my instructor and I don't like change... Even if I were to take a harder class, I'd still keep this one. The thought of finding a studio and finding a class and meeting new people just, ugh, sounds like a bummer so I haven't done anything about a new class yet. Plus, I like being the best one in the class!! I always know what I'm doing in this class and I think that increases my enjoyment immensely. :o) I like being the big fish in the little pond...

Which brings me to the point of this posting: I got to lead the class for a bit yesterday! Sort of. My instructor tore her calf muscle a few weeks back and has been on crutches. As such, she has, of course, been unable to instruct as she normally would. Since our recital is at the end of next month, she's desperately trying to put the final polish on our routines and her not being able to demonstrate the steps herself has really irritated her the past few weeks. There are a handful of us in the class that not only have the routines memorized but do the steps properly and on the beat (imagine!) and whereas previous instructors almost always had us in the front line, Tracy (my current teacher) tries to balance things out a bit. (I am in the front row of one dance and in the 2nd of three lines in the second dance). Now, I've had others in the class come up to me and tell me that they follow me because I know what I'm doing and I feel like I have a good sense of who the best tappers are in the class but, you know, I never really know how closely Tracy pays attention to each of us individually. I guess she pays more attention than I thought she did because toward the end of class last night, with about 15 minutes remaining, I was called out by Tracy to come up to the front of the class and show everyone a particular sequence of steps because she's "been watching [me] and [I] know it very well." :o) Hee!! Yay for me! It's sad, I know, but I was excited. Hey, it's always nice to know that, while you might think you're pretty okay yourself, others sometimes agree!!!

Tracy thanked me for helping her out and I told her I was happy to do it. I even had some people consult me after class for a little impromptu tutorial. Now, I'm not trying to say that I'm the best tapper in the universe - far from it!! Good grief; I'm well aware that my lofty status is all relative to the others with whom I dance. Still, I felt skilled. And special. Me likey.

Oh, you may be wondering where the whole "Rizzo" reference came from... well, here's a photo of a part of one of our costumes:

That's right, people - I'm a Pink Lady. (And not just your average Pink Lady - a Bedazzled Pink Lady. You should see the front of the jacket... at least 15 hot glue-gunned crystals adorn the front of the jacket.) Oy. I will be wearing the jacket with a sparkly neck tie and rhinestone-adorned cat eye glasses and dancing to "Hound Dog." The 2nd dance is to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from Spamalot and we will be wearing gold-sequined tops with yellow feather tiaras. I kid you not. I didn't have to wear tiaras even when I danced as a kid!!! We are going to look like geriatric Big Birds, man. *sigh* And that, of course, is the dance where I am in the front line so you can really soak me up in all my banana-colored, eye-searingly sparkly glory. Wooha!! Neil Diamond's got nothin' on us ladies, I'll tell you that.

Just in case my embarrassment is not complete, I thought I'd finish it off by uploading last year's routine. I'm the one whose hat falls off about 2 seconds in. :o( [I'm in the front row, 2nd from the left for those of you who are hard of seeing...] I was (and still am) mortified!! I have NEVER lost ANYTHING in all my years of dancing - not a shoe lace, not a feather, not a strap, not a cane, nothing. I had the freakin' thing pinned to my head and there was a chin strap, so how the hell did it fall off my head?! I know my head is like an orange on a toothpick and the hat was a child's size but still... it had two methods with which to keep it in place!! Gah! If I have to glue the damn Big Bird tiara to my head to make it stay in place, I will!

(The audio is just ever so slightly behind the video, so we don't match up with the beat quite right... I've tried uploading it several times in different formats and this is the best I could do. I'm still working on it, but until I get a better version up here, watch this with the understanding that it's a bit off!)

Rock of Lurv? Rock of LIES!

This honestly doesn't distress me that much - it's not a huge surprise given the outcome of last season. Plus, I wouldn't mind a Lurv 3, y'know what I mean? ;o) Still, I thought it only right to share the scoop (especially since he addresses his weave!! Yes! We all knew it! Glad to have it confirmed...!):

1. Who Wants Rock of Love 3?

Basically, a link to the article listed below. It's pretty short, so here's the whole shebang -

Fool me once, shame on Bret Michaels. Fool me twice, shame on sad, gullible me...For some inexplicable reason, it wasn't hard for me to believe that an '80s rocker could find love on a VH1 reality show. After all, the former Poison frontman spent plenty of time waxing about not wanting a "Rock of Lust" or a "Rock of Like" but a true "Rock of Love." With sentiments like that, the bandanna aficionado had me drinking the vodka-spiked Kool Aid in no time. Last weekend's mostly-dull-except-for-the-Heather-and-Daisy smackdown reunion special gave me little reason to question Michaels' intentions. In fact, he and winner Ambre seemed quite cozy together and even dished about secret trysts during their VH1-sanctioned separation period between the end of filming and the season finale.But just as quickly as my rock 'n' roll love bliss marathon had begun, it came to a soul-crushing end after I stumbled upon a recent interview with Michaels. In it, he claims he never really came into the show looking for love. "I said this from day one: I went into this to have fun and maybe find someone to like," he says. "True love is not going to be found instantly on a TV show." Yes, that's probably true, but that's not what you said before! I cry foul! Michaels goes on to say that he and Ambre are not in love (they're going to see what happens), and he doesn't dismiss the possibility of a third Rock of Love installment, though he's now hoping to star in a new show called Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show.Who would rather watch a bus load of busted, middle-aged rockers instead of a bevy of dim-witted (but amusing) beauties? They may be vapid, but I'll take the Rock of Love girls any day over former rock gods wiggling in too-tight jeans and guyliner. [I agree - more Lurv!! Less rock!!!]

2. Bret Michaels' Q&A

The "recent interview" as mentioned above. It's only a page long but it's still too much to post in one hunk-a-chunk here, so here are a few highlights:

Q: Do you feel that doing a reality show hurts your credibility as a rocker?
MICHAELS: I am a rock star/musician who has had, with a lot hard work, a continuous and long career with or without reality TV. When I went in and they came after me when I was going to do "Rock of Love," they gave me this novelty concept. They were trying to go back to '86. I lived '86. I loved '86, but I live in 2006/2007. I love my spandex and cowboy boots from '87. I thought it was fantastic. (But) I didn't want my show to be a novelty. I have generations of fans. I think the show has been a plus for this reason: it has exposed my solo act. It has exposed that this is really me.

Q: Isn't it every man's dream to date three women at once?
MICHAELS: The date is the dream because it looks good for your image. However, saying lines while the other ones can hear it and then turning to another and saying the same line is not a smart move. [It's also not smart to give them the same necklace as a gift, man! He's just lucky only one of the two finalists actually wore the monstrosity to their final dinner-a-trois!]

Q: Did you have a conversation with Jess about breaking up?
MICHAELS: When she came back from the show, she was cold as ice and angry. I put her on the spot. I said, "Listen, if it is for show, why would I be inviting you to dinner?" At the reunion, they never showed this, but I said, "How long have you been with your boyfriend?" Her boyfriend and her sell shirts in Chicago. Maybe you should ask her who is for show. I thought she was a pretty girl and intelligent and funny. All the other girls told me she has a boyfriend who sells shirts in Chicago and that was the shirt she was wearing the whole show.

Q: What are you hiding under that bandanna?
MICHAELS: My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without it on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, "Put your bandanna back on. It is your image." It is my signature thing. [As annoying as the bandanna is, if he's ever seen on the show without it, it's very disconcerting. It doesn't really look like "real" hair and it sits very strangely atop his head - it's like a car accident. I don't want to look at it but I can't look away! And this year's coif is quite the improvement over last season's yarn, that's for sure!]

The Gerbes

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my good friend Christina got married in NY on March 29th and, unfortunately, Robert and I were unable to attend. I chatted with Chrissie a bit last night and while I didn't get a boatload of details about the ceremony, it sounds like it was exactly what both Christina and Rob had hoped for - I couldn't be happier for them. :o) She forwarded some photos to me this morning so I thought I'd share a few:

Robert has always said he wants little people on our cake and I have always told him "No way. I don't think people do that anymore, man - it's old school!" (I don't even want a cake so the point may be moot anyway...) So what does Christina do? She shows me up by putting little people on her cake!! Selfish!



Both Chrissie and Rob look so happy - they're positively radiant! I'm very sorry Robert and I couldn't make it but I very much appreciate Christina passing some photos along. Now, I just wouldn't be me if I didn't rag on her a little so... It seems like just yesterday Christina was crying in 6th period over a breakup with her latest boyfriend, only to be making out with him by the time I drove past them in the parking lot after class. :o) And now my little Chrissie is married!!! Time flies when you're making fun of your nearest and dearest, I guess...

Baño, Angela, Baño!

This one's for Robert:

Watch @ 1:15 through 2:13

This is a little joke we have at home... since Robert is so prone to "translating" things into Spanish for me, I often respond with my favorite line from Who's the Boss? I don't know - we're weird.

Poo to You, Too, Tommy Lee!!!

Yeesh. Apparently, Tommy Lee doesn't like Rock of Lurv ... which at first offended ex-wife's lips tattooed on me and then I thought "This man married Pamela Anderson. And has Prince'shis neck. And hasn't showered since 1986. He clearly has taste for crap!" :o) Not only does Tommy think it's stupid, he's apparently too good for the show and turned it down:

Motley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee is no stranger to reality TV (remember Tommy Lee Goes to College?), but that doesn't mean he's a fan of celebreality. Following a press conference and performance to announce Motley's new album, Saints of Los Angeles, and this summer's Crüefest tour, the always-outspoken stick-man revealed he could have had Bret Michaels' VH1 gig but turned it down. "They asked me to be on the second Rock of Love and I was, like, 'Are you out of your f----- minds? F--- no!," he told EW.com. "I think it's the stupidest s--- I've ever seen." Crüe singer Vince Neil, ironically, was more forgiving of their Poison peer. "I think it's pretty funny," he said. "Trying to deal with 20 chicks in the same house? You gotta hand it to the guy."

I find it hard to believe VH1 offered Lurv 2 to ol' Tommy - are there really 20 women out there who are excited by the prospect of contracting Hepatitis C? I think not.

TV Tidbits 05 - SVU

Hooty hoo!!!!! Adam Beach is leaving L&O: SVU! :o) Me likey!!! This will bum Robert out, though - he really liked whatever-his-name-is-on-the-show. Me? I absolutely could not stand the dude's massive overbite and monotone speaking voice. UGH!!! I found it very distracting. Plus, I never understood his purpose on the show... Fin already has a partner (although Munch really doesn't do too much these days) so what the heck is what's-his-name supposed to do, anyway? Dunno. And now, I don't have to know - yay!!

X-Files: I Want to Believe

I may be in the minority, but I think that title is dumb. Eh, oh well - I was not consulted, so I guess I should keep it to myself! Anyway, in keeping with my movie posts for today here's a little blurb on the upcoming X-Files feature. Highlights include:

• It's a stand-alone story, set in the winter of 2008, that [series creator Chris] Carter describes as a ''suspense thriller'' akin to the monster-of-the-week episodes from the show's early days. Gone is the occasionally baffling mythology — Black oil! Ice picks! Bees! — that came to define the series. The new film is designed to satisfy the faithful while courting a new generation of fans raised on Saw and Hostel.

I say: Good. It's been 6 years and even though I totally rewatch the episodes I love when I see'em on TNT, I'm a bit rusty on the whole mythology scenario.

• Billy Connolly plays a priest of what [Carter right-hand man Frank] Spotnitz calls ''dubious character,'' and Xzibit and Amanda Peet show up as two new FBI agents.

Now, I loved Xzibit on Pimp My Ride but I'm not sure that show honed his acting chops quite enough to star alongside my man David. What's that? He was in xXx?!!! Well, nevermind then. He's golden!

• The real key to The X-Files lies in Mulder and Scully's relationship, which promises to be a big part of the new film. The series ended with the duo in love and on the lam, and Carter says the movie will be ''true to the stories that we've told, and to that final episode.'' But just like here in the real world, time has passed. ''Mulder and Scully have not been frozen in ice,'' Duchovny says. ''They've been leading some kind of life, together or apart, in some parallel dimension. They've had experiences that we'll never know about.'' Despite paparazzi photos of two actors who look suspiciously like Duchovny and Anderson locked in an embrace, Carter is quick to caution against focusing too much on make-out sessions.

Whatevs. We all know there'll be at least one lusty scene - all the X-Philes will go berserk if all they get is a chaste little peck, y'know what I'm saying?

• Another installment would make three films in the franchise... But Carter suggested that a future movie might re-engage with the original TV show's overarching alien-invasion plot. Doing so could be timely given that, according to X-Files mythology, the final stage of said invasion is due to start in December 2012. "Well, we didn't think that one up," Carter said. "That is actually part of the literature. It is a Mayan date. But I think we'd like to revisit that whole storyline."

I loved the X-Files when it was on TV and I am excited they're continuing the story with another movie... I just hope it doesn't turn into almost every other trilogy (save the Bourne movies, Robert, I know) where it would have been better left off at #2 (hello, Spiderman, I'm talking to you). Again, no one is consulting me so I guess it doesn't matter - you know I'll see the third movie if and when it's made, so all my blathering on is really for naught! :o)

Mmmm, Ed Norton

As I mentioned in my last post, Robert and I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall yesterday - and one of the (many, many, many) previews we saw was for The Incredible Hulk. I had seen a preview online many moons ago and it didn't look too bad; this was the same preview and I still contend that the movie doesn't look bad at all. (Edward definitely doesn't look bad... mmm.) I'm not a huge fan of the Hulk's graphics but then again a dude in green prosthetics would look cheesy, too. And bonus: the movie doesn't look anything like the monstrosity (pardon the pun) that was Hulk. I like Eric Bana and that's why I sat through that movie but yikes - it was awful!! This incarnation looks much, much better and even Robert commented that it didn't "look too bad." :o) Ed isn't too keen on fluffy projects so I have to believe that his Hulk will be an above average comic book movie.

Anyhoo, during the preview, Robert asked me a few questions regarding Ed's involvement ("Did he sign up for TIH on purpose?") and I plunged into the long story of the movie's behind-the-scenes drama. (Oh, and yes, Edward did sign up for the movie on purpose - he wrote part of the script and is an uncredited producer.) The story is (sort of) old news, as it's been going on for a while, but since the movie is coming out in June and Robert still hadn't heard any of this, I thought maybe some of you would be interested, too. If not, well, go away... no one's forcing you to read this!! :o)

Where was I? Oh yes - Ed being difficult. Now, he has long had a reputation of being a somewhat difficult person on set but many attribute that to his extreme dedication to his craft. He's sort of like the teacher you heard about in school that was supposed to be really tough - that may have been true for the slackers but for you? Not so much. My point is, yes, he may be difficult to some people but Edward also has a lot of defenders. A lot of the back story and current project status, plus Ed's only official statement re: the ruckus is available here, at EntertainmentWeekly.com. However, since it's a 3-page article, I'll summarize as best I can.

The basic gist of the reported dispute is this: Rumor has it that Ed's been such a jerk about rewrites and reshoots and the final editing of the film that he's effectively wrested it away from the director and is no longer talking to Marvel. Marvel supposedly pushed for an 'action scene, action scene, action scene, plot' approach to the film while Ed wanted a more thoughtful piece evocative of the show he loved as a kid and never the twain shall meet. As a result, the media has long since reported on the reputed bad blood between star and studio which has resulted in some negative publicity for the film. (As if it needed it - it has enough problems trying to shake off Hulk's lingering stink! Many wondered why Marvel would want to attempt doing a Hulk movie again, since the first once flopped so badly, but Marvel contends that the Hulk is the #2 guy (right behind Spiderman) in the Marvel galaxy and he's too awesome to let die). The director has since come out and said that he likes Ed very much and sided with him on the final cut of the film. The director has also said that he was sort of a mediator between Ed and Marvel during the editing dispute and that, had the 'feud' not become public, things could have been settle long ago. The general consensus is that Ed and Marvel are not speaking at this point because things have been blown up to ridiculous proportions and Ed is keenly aware that he's being painted as the pain in the ass. As such, he's trying to keep his head down and stay out of it. It appears the final cut is more to Marvel's taste but the general consensus is that Ed's ultimately OK with that, acknowledging that their cut is more 'commercial' than his.

Hey, I like Ed and I'll drag Robert to see the movie no matter what version makes it to the screen! :o) I am nothing if not a supportive fangirl.

NPH & Jason Segel

Robert and I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall yesterday and it was pretty cute... not fantastic but pretty cute. I've never been particularly partial to Jason on HIMYM - you know NPH [Barney] is my man on that show - but he's had his moments (unlike Josh Radnor [Ted], who is just... bleh. I think Ted and Robin should move away and make us all happy; unfortunately, since they're the "lead" characters, I don't see that happening anytime soon). Anyway, he was a lovable loser in the movie and I think it made me like him a little more. I found this clip of him and NPH singing a song from Les Miz and it's darn good:

Jason sang a bit in FSM but since he sang as Dracula (with a Transylvanian accent, of course), it was hard to tell how well he could really carry a tune. :o) I knew NPH could sing - he was on Broadway and in a Sondheim piece, no less - and was tickled to see him duet with Jason. Poor other boring people on HIMYM... you guys suck!! As I knew you did.

When Gossip Backfires

There is always one giant pitfall to ravenously devouring any and all gossip - you often find out things about people or things you like that you then wish you didn't know. This happens to me a lot... I'm often bummed out to learn that an actor I like is (1) doing drugs, (2) a man whore or (3) a complete dick on set. (Yes, I can think of specific people for each of these examples so if you want to know, ask me!). Anyway, this isn't quite so distressing but it is a mini-bummer: The Deadliest Catch may be re-wickering their footage to make life on the Bering Sea more interesting (and get bigger ratings...). I caught wind of this via Defamer, but the actual info is courtesy of a 2-page article in The Hollywood Reporter. Seeing as it's a lot of info, I won't post the entirety of the article but here's an excerpt:

Tuesday's fourth-season premiere of Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch" opens during a raging nighttime storm in the Bering Sea. Mammoth waves smash an Alaskan crab fishing boat called the Wizard, sending large swells crashing over its deck. Inside, alarmed crew members discover that their stateroom is flooding with incoming seawater.

The sequence suggests that the fishermen are in danger of sinking as a violent tempest tosses huge waves against the boat.

But here's the not-so-deadliest catch: The boat flooded in September. The huge storm waves were from October. And a producer may have filmed extra footage to help stitch the two events together. Discovery executives described the outline as an early draft that was dismissed by the show's production company. The sequence, however, does match what appeared in Tuesday's episode. The network strongly denies that re-enactment footage is ever used by "Catch," but it acknowledged that material from separate days of filming were combined to produce the scene in question.

From the outline:

WIZARD ROGUE WAVE: Combine Wizard leak story on 9/26 with the Wizard being hit by a big wave on 10/1 and 10/2. The fiction we are constructing is that the big wave hit the Wizard on their steam up to Dutch -- caused a leak in Lenny's stateroom. In reality these were two separate events. In addition to the original source material, (a producer's name omitted by THR) shot re-enactment footage.

Such editing and staging tactics are common on reality shows, but Discovery considers "Catch" a documentary and holds the series to the highest standard.

You can view a video of the footage in question here. I know reality shows aren't 100% authentic but I sort of assumed Discovery was a bit above your standard MTV fare. *sigh* I guess Captain Keith's search for his lucky Cup O' Noodles spittoon wasn't enough to guarantee "big ratings" for the premiere... ! Whatevs.

TV Tidbits 04 - CSI & SVU

Soo... if you don't like either of these shows, you're really tired of seeing them pop up in my blog all the time! Sorry. But, for those of you who are interested (hi, Dad!), here's a little scoop-ola on the departures of CSI's Gary Dourdan and SVU's Diane Neal (courtesy of Ausiello, of course):

I believe it was Mark Twain who once said: "Cast shake-ups are like Transformers — there is usually more to them than meets the eye."

And I was reminded of how true those words were this week following my back-to-back exclusives that CSI and Law & Order: SVU would be losing Gary Dourdan and Diane Neal, respectively.

Initially, I reported that the actors were leaving for the most mundane of reasons: Both of their contracts were up, and they had decided to move on. But in the hours that followed the posting of those stories, new information came to light that now calls into question my original sources the exact circumstances surrounding the exits — specifically, whether the stars were leaving of their own accord or if they had been shown the door.

In the case of Dourdan, an insider at the show insists that he and CSI execs "mutually agreed" to part ways for "creative reasons." However, a CBS mole claims the 41-year-old actor was essentially fired, adding that producers are trying to be "as supportive and protective" of him as possible by portraying the departure as mutual. That same mole wasn't willing to share the specific reason for Dourdan's ouster, except to say that it involves an "ongoing problem personal to Dourdan."

That doesn't exactly narrow it down. In 2005, Dourdan pleaded no contest to misdemeanor battery and was ordered to stay away from then-girlfriend Anne Greene and attend domestic-violence counseling. And last July, a video of him allegedly attacking a TMZ photographer made the rounds on the Web.

Meanwhile, CBS still won't officially "confirm or deny" that Dourdan is on his way out, even as a search for his replacement is underway. Repeated calls to the goodbye guy's camp went unreturned.

Over at SVU, the situation surrounding Neal has become equally suspicious. On Tuesday, a show spokesperson confirmed to me exclusively that the actress would be vacating her role as ADA Casey Novak in what appeared to be a mutual decision. However, shortly after I posted that story, a show insider says an emotional Neal gathered the crew together on the set and informed them that she had just been fired.

While Neal confirms that she "did talk to the crew" about her departure, she declined to say whether she used the F-word. "Rumors are rumors," she shrugs. "I love the crew. The crew loves me. We've really gotten along and bonded over these past five years. And they're always looking out for me and watching my back."

Asked if she was blindsided by the news, Neal, choosing her words carefully, responds, "I don't know if blindsided is the right word.... I've lasted longer – by several years – than almost any other ADA [in the Law & Order universe]. So every year I've been like, 'Is this going to be the one when I leave?' Dick Wolf is known for replacing his cast regularly. And the truth is, I'm really looking forward to the future."

There's the evidence. Who/what to believe?

Juicy! Well, ish. No definitive answers per se but a good inkling of the real deal, no? My gossip peeps are good!

UPDATE: Defamer picked up on this story, as well, and added this funny little bit to the end of their discussion:

Of course, more definite clues could arise once we get a better look at how the show's writers choose to dispatch their series regulars. We're reminded of a similarly acrimonious parting of Prison Break's Sarah Wayne Callies, whose gruesome demise involved the discovery of her character Sara's decapitated head in a box. Should we tune in to the season finale of CSI to find Marg Helgenberger running a black light over Dourdan's battered, limp body to get a better look at the tell-tale semen stains left after his fatal gang-raping, we'll know producers were not entirely broken up about the actor's departure.

Hee! Me likey. :o)

Uh Mah Gah - Teen Witch is Back!!

Normally, I wouldn't report on something like this (I'm old - the HSM crowd isn't really my scene, y'all) but because I posted on my favorite scene from Teen Witch back in February, I thought I'd pass this along (courtesy of TVGuide.com):

Ashley Tisdale is thisclose to signing a year-long development deal with American Idol producer FremantleMedia North America. If signed, says Variety, Fremantle will seek to develop projects revolving around the High School Musical starlet.Tisdale is also in talks to headline a remake of Teen Witch, playing an unpopular girl who discovers that she's a descendant of witches and thus boasts way-cool powers. Robyn Lively starred in the 1989 original film.

Now, I know TW is a movie I love to make fun of, but even I can't really get behind this remake. Part of what makes the movie so funny is its total 80s cheesiness!! It's so bad it's good, really. Putting a perky, 00s spin in it just won't work as well. But, hey, Zelda Rubinstein is still alive - think she'll be the new Madame Serena? ;o) She's the go-to gal for "odd" characters...

Oh, and here's a little-known fact that ties the original TW to the HSM'izedversion: Robyn Lively is currently married to Bart Johnson, who plays Zac Efron's dad in the HSM movies. I knew this without looking it up... I'm a little sad, I think. (Robyn's sister is Blake Lively, currently gracing our TV sets as the CW's Gossip Girl. She should totally do the remake - she's popular now and it'd keep it in the family!)