Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!

I found this at HolyTaco.com and thought it would be a somewhat festive/slightly humorous way to think about the celebration of Thanksgiving. Enjoy!

The 7 Most Annoying People at Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays. We eat until we feel like we're going to die and then we lay around and watch football. But you're also forced to see family members that can turn all the gluttony into a big downer. Here are the seven worst.

7. THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE

­­­It's fine if you love Jesus. No one is saying you can't. But you have to understand that for the rest of us, Thanksgiving is the only Holiday we get where we don't have to hear about the man upstairs. Therefore, I don't give a shit that the shape of my mashed potatoes reminded you of a passage from Corinthians, I just want you to pass the salt. I may not know Jesus as well as you do, but if he's as cool as you say he is, then if he was invited over to somebody's house for dinner, he probably wouldn't spend the entire meal talking about how awesome he is. That sounds to me like an asshole.

Typical Conversation:

You: You know, I think if the Colts could get healthy, they could make a run this year.

Religious Relative: And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. James 5:15

You: Right. I'm pretty sure the Lord wasn't referring to someone having "turf toe."

6. THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS

You'll know this person is coming to your thanksgiving about three and a half minutes before they get there, because you're mother will pull you aside and say, "Ben is coming. Now, he's gay, but he hasn't come out to the family yet, so don't say anything about gay things. Everyone, did you hear that? Ben is coming and he's gay, but he hasn't come out yet!" Now, all anyone can think of when they look at Ben is "gay, gay, gay,gay" and because you don't want to bring any attention to the fact that he's got this secret, you end up bringing even more attention to it by striking up a conversation that is the direct opposite of it, which ends up awkwardly becoming about said secret.

Typical Conversation:

You: So, Ben, how about that new James Bond Movie. He's a good James Bond right? I mean, just the way he acts, not like how he looks or anything. Not that he acts a certain way or that you can tell something from how somebody acts, but just like- wow, that's a lot of gravy on your plate. I mean, I like gravy-

5. THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY

Football on Thanksgiving is a tradition, but your fantasy team is not. So when the entire room wants to change the channel because the Lions are losing by 42 points with six minutes left, it's super annoying when you respond with, "Wait, wait, I just have to see if Calvin Johnson gets fourteen more receiving yards." To make matters worse, this person insists on telling you the score to their fantasy game, and the picks they made early in the season that have or have not panned out, like they were in a Nazi prison camp and a guard made them choose which one of their children lived.

Typical Conversation:

Fantasy Guy: YES!

You: Is it a close game?

FG: No, it's 46-20. Kevin Smith lost two yards. I need him to not gain more than ten yards the rest of the game, the guy I'm playing has him. I took Matt Forte instead of him, I was thinking of taking smith, but at the last second, I had Forte in my draft que and I just pushed "draft."

You: Great. Um, you think we can change the channel? There's three minutes left and we were hoping to watch anything but this.

FG: Yeah yeah of course, there's just three minutes left though. I just gotta make sure I win this week. Sorry.

4. THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON'T LAST

This person brought their boyfriend that they met three weeks ago when they were shit-faced drunk and letting people take body shots off their titties. Now everyone has to pretend like she and he are in a serious relationship, even though when he tells someone he's originally from Tuscon his "girlfriend" responds with "really, I thought you were from Fresno...Huh." And since now there's someone at the table that no one knows, everybody has to pretend like they have manners and care about what's going on in other people's lives. This leads to everyone at the table focusing on the fact that this dude they've never met before, and will never see again, is "in ad sales right now, but looking to maybe starting a club promotion business or something like that."

Typical Conversation:

You: I was thinking of buying a new Honda.

Cousin: Brian used to fix Hondas, right Brian?

Cousin's Boyfriend: Um, no. I know a guy who did, though.

Cousin: Really, I thought you did?

Cousin's Boyfriend: Nope.

(awkward silence)

Your Mom: Well, being a mechanic is a good job.

(more awkward silence)

3. THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE

You haven’t read the latest book by Ron Paul, and you have no idea what the trade deficit is, but that’s not going to stop the political freak from constantly quoting Ron Paul’s latest book about the trade deficit whenever there’s a two-second lull in the conversation. It doesn’t matter that your eyes glaze over like a ham when he starts spouting endless facts about civic policy and the economies of risk-management, he will not stop trying to get you to agree to a political stance that you have never heard of or couldn’t possibly care less about.

Typical Conversation:

You: Man, I can’t believe the holidays are already here.

Political Relative: You know what I can’t believe? I can’t believe that the S&P needs to increase by 33% just to get back to even over the next 12 months. And you know what else I can’t believe? The fact that Bernanke and Paulson have destroyed America as you and I know it. They’re the “experts”? Really? If they were so smart, then why didn’t they see this coming? Now we’re supposed to feel comfortable with these crooks in charge? Yes sir, you can kiss your nation goodbye forever.

You: Yeah, uhhh, time sure does fly.

Political Relative: And you know what won’t fly anymore pretty soon? Our bankrupt airlines. If you think Uncle Sam is going to keep bailing those mismanaged disasters forever you can think again.

You: I just want to eat some turkey.

2. THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT

We should all have some respect for our elders, but trying to have a conversation with your 96-year-old great grandmother is like talking to a junkie who just shot up. There’s a lot of mumbling and nodding off and when there is some conversation, it’s mostly just a series of repetitive stories from your childhood.

Typical Conversation:

You: Hey Grandma. Can I get you some stuffing? Are you thirsty?

Great Grandma: …zzzz…who? You remember when you used to come and visit us and you had such a good time? I remember that.

You: Yeah, that was fun.

Great Grandma: Remember when you used to come and…visit us in the summers? We had so much fun during those summers…zzzzz….hi! What grade are you in now?

You: I’m 33 and divorced, Grandma. I’m not in school anymore.

Great Grandma: Such a big boy! Look at you! I bet you study hard and get good marks. Are you going to come visit us this summer…

1. THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC

We get it. You don’t drink anymore. But we don’t need updates every five minutes that you “haven’t touched the stuff in six years, 48 days and 15 hours.” And you know what? I’m not an alcoholic. Just because one sip of booze would turn you into a raging alcohol monster who would drain the liquor cabinet and then start chugging Aqua Velva doesn’t mean the rest of the world can’t have a glass of wine. But the worst part about this guy is that he has absolutely nothing else to talk about.

Typical Conversation:

You: This turkey is delicious!

Recovering Alcoholic: Back when I was drinking, the only turkey I would have during the holidays was a bottle of Wild Turkey. And I would drink the whole thing by myself. I was so bad, back then. So bad.

You: Well, it’s great that you stopped.

Recovering Alcoholic: Whiskey, vodka, beer, sake, wine, rum, grain alcohol, bourbon, gin, you name it, I’ve drank it. But it’s been six years since a drop has passed these lips. Six loooooong years. It’s been great, but a day doesn’t go by when I’m not thinking about booze. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and it’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I love booze. That’s why I had to give it up.

You: Well…good for you. So, how are your kids doing?

Recovering Alcoholic: It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to drink so much. Then I hit rock bottom and gave it up all together. I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here today. But I used to love drinking. It was my life. You should probably quit drinking, too. I used to be like you, a glass of wine here and there and then all of a sudden I was stealing from my daughter's piggy bank just to go get a bottle of rot gut. That’s how it always happens.

TV Tidbits 37 - Wednesday Scoops

Not too much to offer this Thanksgiving Eve but a couple blurbs caught my eye.

1.) CBS is Eye-ing (get it?) an NCIS spin-off. According to EW.com's Ausiello:

In a move that will surprise only the brainless, NCIS' odds-defying ratings surge this season has prompted CBS to quietly begin developing a spin-off, sources confirm to me exclusively.

Although a spokesperson for the hit procedural declined to comment, my industry moles reveal that a new crop of naval sleuths will likely be introduced in an episode of NCIS later this season and launched into their own show as early as next fall.

"It's still in the early stages," maintains an insider, who says no final decisions have been made about the premise or the setting.

The NCIS offshoot will likely put on hold CBS' long-gestating Criminal Minds spin-off.

Eh. I really like NCIS, as you know, but a spin-off? Really? NCIS is a spin-off for crying out loud! I'm sort of concerned that CBS just keeps spinning shows of their tent pole programming. They already have 3 CSIs - next they'll have 2 NCISs and possibly 2 Criminal Minds...es. Throw in a second Without A Trace and a few more Numb3rs and you've got an even wider variety of programming than CBS already offers!! Weehoo!

2.) TVGuide.com has a bit of info on NBC's mid-season schedule:

NBC's midseason slate will bring viewers a largely revamped January, sidelining a handful of shows to make room for some new programming. Also on tap is a pair of Saturday Night Live specials.

The splashiest newcomer is So You Think You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe's Superstars of the Dance — fancied as an internationally flavored "Olympic dance-off" and hosted by Michael Flatley — which premieres Sunday, Jan. 9, before moving to Mondays. There, it will air for several weeks from 8 to 10 pm/ET, bumping both Chuck and Heroes (but only until February arrives).

Superstars leads into Momma's Boys, a new unscripted series from Ryan Seacrest.

Tuesdays has The Biggest Loser: Couples setting up SVU — nothing new there. On Wednesdays (starting Jan. 7), Knight Rider will remain at 8, while SVU repeats will spell Life until February. Law & Order comes on at 10.

Thursdays? Same old, same old.

Fridays kick off with Howie Do It, a new hidden-camera show hosted by Mr. Mandel (premiering Jan. 9), then continue with the arrival of Friday Night Lights' third season (broadcast-premiering Jan. 16).

Specials on tap for the Peacock include Saturday Night Live's Sports Extra (airing Jan. 4), Saturday Night Live's Film Festival (Jan. 18), a Dateline inauguration event (Jan. 20), and the miniseries The Last Templar (airing Jan. 25 and 26).

3.) And, finally, a couple of Q&As (also from TVGuide.com):

All I want to know is the bottom line when it comes to Ghost Whisperer's Jim dying. Will he ever be brought back to life (his life), or is his only involvement going to be in the body of Sam? — Kathy
MATT: It's simple, really: Jim is now going by "Sam," but Sam is mostly Jim. "Since it's Jim's soul [inside Sam's body], we will always be seeing David Conrad at Melinda's side," exec producer P.K. Simonds tells me, dismissing rumors that Conrad is leaving the show. Much of the story to come involves Sam (who to everyone else looks like Jericho's Kenneth Mitchell) realizing that he has this new life inside of him. As Conrad explained it to me, "It's the whole question of how you define yourself, in terms of what people say you were and what you slowly find out you are. Jim gets told by people who knew Sam that he was 'this way,' so he doesn't believe what Melinda says." OK, maybe "simple" wasn't the best adjective to use earlier.

Who at Bones can I complain to about the Hodgins-Angela break-up? I want them back together. I don't care for Roxie. — Joetta
MICKEY: I don't either, though I loved Nichole Hiltz as Mary McCormack's crazy sister Brandi on In Plain Sight. When TVGuide.com spoke to Michaela Conlin earlier this month, she hinted that Angela would be playing the field this season. So while Roxie won't be around forever, Angela won't be running back to Hodgins any time soon either.

Is it true that Moonlight is going to run on the Sci Fi Channel? OMG, that would be wonderful! — Tawny
MICKEY: Yes! We finally have some Alex O'Loughlin-related news for you, Tawny! Starting Jan. 23, Sci Fi will rerun the cancelled vampire drama on Fridays at 9 pm/ET (following repeats of ABC's similarly underappreciated Invasion). There, Moonlight will develop a small-but-vocal fan base, and then be promptly yanked from the schedule. Enjoy!

Fake Bands Revealed

1. This is Spinal Tap
2. That Thing You Do!
3. Soul Men
4. Velvet Goldmine
5. 8 Mile
6. Dreamgirls
7. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
8. Almost Famous
9. Hustle and Flow
10. A Mighty Wind

A HUGE shout-out to Robert, who nailed #s 5, 6, 7 & 10!!!! I am so proud of him!! That is awesome. I totally meant to post our guesses at the original site but forgot and so got no glory from Ayyyy! Oh well. Had I done so, we would've tied for first place with 9 correct guesses. Dang!

Hot Men Alert: Simon Baker (UPDATED)

Robert is going to throw up, I know (he's sick of me ogling Simon on The Mentalist every week) but I wouldn't be me if I didn't post about one of my hot men. Simon's on the cover of TV Guide this week... and he looks lovely.

Not his best photo - and a shirtless pic would've sold a LOT more issues - but still easy on the eyes. If you want to read a bit of the article, click here.

UPDATE: Ooh! Ooh! This would've been a good one:

Hee.

UPDATE 2 [11/26/08]: Robert is such a sweetie. He picked up a couple things at the store last night on his way home from work and when I went in the kitchen to make dinner, I saw Simon's face beaming at me from the new issue of TV Guide. Robert had been off-site all day so I didn't think he'd had time to read the blog. Sure enough, he picked it up simply because he saw Simon and knew I'd like it. :o) And he was right. What a guy - picking up hot men magazines for his lady without even being asked! Take notes, fellas.

Amazing Race Recap - week 9

Aah... I knew this episode would be a good one when Nick's "You sound like a broken record, Phil" was featured within the recap of last week. Robert's head was about to explode - and it was only 30 seconds into the show!! :o) Whee!

Let's get to it, shall we?

It is now 4 a.m., and I am just finishing this update. I'm very late because I usually dictate this TV Watch to my editor, but she has started insisting I type it, and it's taking forever: You see, pushing keys with letters on them is a more artsy and fartsy based skill, and I'm more mouth-breathing and sit-on-my-ass based.

Oh Dan, Dan, Dan. Just when I thought I had seen all of your talents, it turns out that you have even fewer. The man can't march! March! Marching is just walking, but with a little extra panache! I'm glad that Andrew took control when they decided to serve borscht: I'm sure Dan would have frozen up, not sure which end of the ladle to stick in the soup.

Okay, let me back up. As usual, I have started this update in the middle. You see, starting at the beginning is a little too logic and basic-intelligence based, and my TV Watch abilities are more doofus and halfwit based.

When the episode began in the Kazakhstan airport as the teams booked tickets to Moscow, the producers took us on a musical tour of the Amazing Race sound cue library. When Nick and Starr inquired about flight times, we got ominous music to cue us that they would have a bad leg. Then Dallas showed up to paw at Starr's thigh, and we quickly cut to light, flirtation music. But this interlude was cut short by Dallas saying that he hates that Nick and Starr constantly finish first, and we abruptly segued into the climactic competition theme. At that point, we cut to the shoeless Dan and Andrew (who were wearing slippers because they left their shoes at the puppet theater), and I was surprised to hear they weren't introduced with the traditional Amazing Race "lunkhead" tune. I love that piece: I always think of it as the soundtrack to a cow with his head stuck in a bucket.

Dan was very worried about money, especially after they both bought sneakers at the 24-hour airport shoe store. An airport shoe store? Boy, cultures are different. Though, while I never would have expected to see one of those, I wonder whether Kazakhs visiting American airports are completely perplexed by the profusion of Cinnabons: "These crazy Americans. Why would they want to eat six pounds of cake and sugar right before being strapped into a small seat for hours? Why not spend their money on comfortable footwear instead?"

In Moscow, the teams first had to find a monastery, and nearly every cab driver got lost. The language barrier in Russia was the most obstructive of the whole season. Why didn't everyone just do what President Bush did in 2001 when faced with the same problem: he didn't need words, he just looked into the eyes of Vladimir Putin and got a sense of his good soul. Perhaps the problem on the Race was that the players were all in the backseat and couldn't make eye contact with their drivers; if they had only been able to stare lovingly into the cabbies' eyes, they could have gotten to their destinations with hours to spare. It's simple politics, people!

They all eventually found the monastery. ("That place kinda looks churchy," said Dan, seeing one option. Hey, don't come down hard on him: Finding churches is finding-steeples and opening-the-door-and-seeing-all-the-people based, and Dan is more so-who-brought-the-gefilte-fish based.) Everyone had to light a candle to get the clue, and Andrew carried his lit candle like he was handling plutonium. Is nothing easy for these guys? Never mind, I'll address that when I get to the part in which Andrew is stymied by wrapping up his foot.

From there it was off to a decommissioned military camp, where teams had to get in military fatigues and either learn how to march or serve borscht. And this was the frat guys' time to do the opposite of shine. Toni and Dallas breezed through the marching: "It was just a natural way to move," Toni said, a premonitory slap in the face to Dan. Ken and Tina also quickly passed, and it was no wonder that Tina quickly mastered the military skill, considering that as she changed into her fatigues, she revealed that she was going commando. When she confessed to going without underwear, I flashed on a terrible image as I wondered whether or not she drew things on down there like she does with her eyebrows. If so, that is one angry-looking vagina.

Excuse me as I slice off the top of my head and scrub my brain with lye until that image goes away.

When Dan and Andrew first arrived, Andrew was confident they would do well, because he had six years of marching band experience under his belt. This is the least surprising item ever to be found on Andrew's résumé. [Lauren's note: Robert and I said the same thing while watching last night.] I wonder, does he put that above or below "Dungeon Master" and "Pog Collector"? Unfortunately, however, he had zero years of foot-wrapping experience and could not master the simple task of getting dressed. Finally, he and Dan bailed on the task, opting for borscht, until they realized they needed to get in fatigues for that, too. Damn you, foot-wrapping, you are Andrew's kryptonite! Thank goodness he didn't also have to rub his head and pat his stomach: The combination of these tasks might have killed the man!

While figuring this out, they were passed by Nick and Starr, who had been delayed by a series of cab drivers. There was an ironic moment when one cab driver said he needed to find a translator, and Starr got angry because she couldn't understand this request. But they were able to pull ahead of Dan and Andrew, even if they did so while wearing each others' fatigues, judging by their swapped name tags. Thank goodness Dallas didn't wander in, or Nick might have found himself desperately trying to awkwardly disengage a Teen Wolf paw from his upper thigh.

Dan and Andrew finally got dressed and headed off to the marching task. Andrew laughed (or at least he seemed like he was laughing: The guy seems to only have one facial expression, and it's "dull stare") and said that they made so many mistakes, the show should make a compilation reel. They did, Andrew, and it's called The Amazing Race: Season 13.

And then came the most delightful moment of the entire season: Dan trying to march. He could not master the act of alternating his feet and arms. With his jerky thrusts and swings, he looked like he was in a fistfight with a ghost. His complete inability to handle this task had the entire regiment laughing at him. America's relationship with Russia is shaky enough these days; I'm worried that these soldiers will report to their superiors, "We have nothing to fear from the Americans! They can't even walk, how are they supposed to fight?"

This repeated failure was what inspired Dan to say, "I compare the marching to the performing arts, maybe ballet. It was very musically and art based...I'm sports and TV based." First of all, it's not ballet, IT'S WALKING! WALKING! As in, "put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door!" Although not with Dan, where the lyrics would go, "put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be spraining your ankle and punching yourself in the face."

Finally they bailed — ON A WALKING TASK! THEY BAILED ON A WALKING TASK! — to go back to the borscht task, which, thank goodness, Andrew handled. (Hey, the man has six years of using a spoon under his belt! Come to think of it, if he uses a spoon under his belt, I don't want to hear about it. I still feel sick over the Tina imagery.) The soldiers continued to snicker at the frat guys as they spooned out their borscht, perhaps perplexed by Dan's attempt at bonding by repeatedly saying, "Maria Sharapova, huh?" Unfortunately for Dan, these guys were less male-bonding based than laugh-at-the-stupid-American based.

From the detour, it was off to a bakery for a roadblock, in which one player had to lug 50 55-pound bags of flour. Initially I had a problem with this task, as it didn't seem like anything but drudgery; there wasn't even a particularly local angle to it. But that concern was remedied by the stereotypically stern Russian bakery owner. When Dallas arrived first, she treated him with contempt for sloppilyy stacking his sacks. When Nick arrived, she sneered, "He's not fit." And when Dallas finished, she tossed off, "So you have finished, congratulations," but the undertone was, "So you think you're such a big shot because you lifted the flour that my son Boris does every day of his life? Well good for you, you weakling." We never heard what she had to say about Dan, because he was too busy praising himself as he burned through the task: "Just give me caveman tasks, I can do them all day." Might I remind Dan that one of the big caveman tasks was learning to walk upright?

Ultimately, Toni and Dallas landed in first, and won a romantic trip for two to the Dominican Republic. Because as Dallas said repeatedly, all he wants to do is win this for his mother...so they can share a candlelit lobster dinner for two, apparently. Ken and Tina, who are getting along better, came in second. We were led to believe that it was a tossup whether Nick and Starr (who continued to be bedeviled by cab drivers as Starr started to lose it) and the frat guys, but it couldn't have been that close. Nick and Starr came in third, but when the frat guys arrived, the sun was starting to go down.

Perhaps they arrived closer together, but Dan and Andrew were waylaid by the cabbie they screwed by underpaying, having run out of money. Dan attempted to offer him his fancy Kazakhstan sneakers, after telling Andrew to follow his lead and sit on the curb. Not sure what kind of haggling strategy that was: I've heard of "whoever speaks first loses the negotiation," but never, "whoever stays closest to the ground wins." Ultimately, the cabbie just stormed off, so I guess the stay-low strategy works! Next time you're trying to make a business deal, I recommend lying prostrate on the floor; I hear it's the eighth habit of highly successful people.

But though the frat guys came in last, it was a non-elimination round, which is good, because they're not so win and succeed based; they're more lose-but-stay-in-on-a-technicality based. But as Andrew said, "People like seeing the underdogs win." Which isn't entirely true: In their case, people like seeing the underdogs look like boobs, which, according to the teaser for next week, will happen again as Dan has to master a dance. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for non-elimination rounds.

Oh. My. God. Dan trying to march was THE most hysterical thing I've ever seen on TAR!!! It's true. (If you know Robert's full-on cackle laugh, then know that he almost rolled off the couch when the trombonist openly guffawed at Dan's technique.) The man looked like he was special, I swear - he was working so hard that his tongue kept sticking out but he look absolutely ridiculous. I cannot express, however, how much I truly loathe the fat fratties. They do NOTHING!! They are so freakin' passive!!! (As evidenced by their "negotiations" with their cabbie.) And they make no sense. Dan was going on and on about how Andrew was holding them back by not being able to wrap his foot and how all these other teams were in front of them and how Andrew had to hurry up and blah blah blah. Then, minutes later, when they discovered they'd have to go back and get in their fatigues again to pour the borscht, Dan was ever so blase. "Now we're in last place. Man. That sucks." WTF?!!!! I do not understand them and I wish with all my heart that this had been an elimination round so that the retards would GO HOME. There's no way they'll be able to overcome the speed bump next week... unless one of the other teams is the one that loses their money/passport. Please, Lord, let it be Dandrew. Gah!

Fast-forward to the 8:17 mark to catch a glimpse of Dan in his marching glory:

Ayyyy! Puzzle 15: Fake Bands

You may not have noticed, but there was no puzzle last week. :o( I do not know why. But it is back this morning and I am glad! This week's puzzle is all about “Movies about Fictional Musicians.” You do not have to identify the band - only the movie in which they appeared. As always, answers will be posted on Wednesday and my guesses are in the comments.

TV Tidbits 36 - Chuck

Hmph. Here's a little Chuck scoopage to somewhat assuage my angry feelings toward ABC (though it's not really doing much):

Another week, another genius piece of Chuck casting… Piping hot Battlestar Galactica toaster Tricia Helfer has been cast on Chuck as Special Agent Alex Forrest, a by-the-book ass-kicker and -- here's where things get a little frakked up -- a potential replacement for Yvonne Strahovski's Sarah. Relax, I said potential replacement. Here's the deal: According to my Chuck mole, General Beckman -- who has been growing increasingly concerned about Chuck and Sarah's intensifying bond -- considers bringing in a new G-woman to work alongside Chuck. Enter Agent Forrest, who shows no fear, no remorse and, much to Agent Casey's delight, is very easy on the eyes. But Helfer isn't moving in on Strahovski's turf permanently, is she?

Actually…no, she's not. Helfer's only booked for one episode (No. 18), and Strahovski's got, well, an ironclad six-year contract. Speaking of Chuck (a.k.a. the most consistently entertaining hour on NBC's air, IMHO), here are two bonus casting scoops free of charge:

• Jonathan Cake (Six Degrees) is coming on board for a multi-episode arc as a Gerard Butler-esqe British MI6 agent by the name of Cole Barker. The rugged, macho spy catches Sarah's eye and makes Chuck feel even geekier than usual.

• Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Brooklyn Decker will guest star in episode 15 when Jeff and Lester take over the hiring process at Buy More and begin recruiting potential Buy More booth babes.

If you don't watch Chuck, you really should. Adam Baldwin (Casey) alone makes the show worthwhile. (And I never thought I'd like Knowle Rohrer...)

TV Tidbits 35 - I hate ABC!!!!!

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!! Ugh.

First, ABC pissed me off last night when I saw the end of Life on Mars was a cliffhanger. Not so bad, right? Yeah, well, that's not what pissed me off. What really frosted my cookies was that new episodes won't starting airing again until January 28th! That's more than 2 months away!! Do you think I'll remember what the heck was going on when the show comes back? Will anyone?!! Way to keep viewers there, ABC. You suck. Had I known it was going to take so long I would've just stockpiled my episodes and watched them closer to January 28th!! Jerks.

(A small consolation is that ABC did pick up 4 more episodes of Mars, bringing its 1st season total to 17. Oh, and it's moving to Wednesdays @ 10 [after Lost] when it comes back.)

Then, this morning, I saw that what I feared had truly transpired: ABC has canceled Pushing Daisies.

Quality television took a serious hit on Thursday with news that ABC has opted not to order additional episodes of Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money for this season. The network isn't commenting, but multiple sources confirm that all three shows have effectively been canceled.

The one bright spot: The ratings-challenged trio will complete production on their 13-episode orders (Daisies already has, while Eli and DSM have an episode or two to go). Of course, completing the episodes and actually airing them are two totally different things.

"It's all true," Daisies creator Bryan Fuller tells me. "I'm so very proud of this show and grateful for everyone's hard work in bringing it to life.

"We would love to continue telling this season's arcs in a comic book format, just to tie up all the loose strings -- and believe me, there are plenty," he continues. "That way we can tell a stand alone movie story that doesn't have all the baggage from the second season stories -- and those bags are packed!"

That account comes courtesy of EW.com's Ausiello, but TVGuide.com has the exact same information so I think it's safe to assume it's true. Crap. And what are the odds that I'm going to pick-up and read a comic book to find out what happens with Emerson's daughter, Ned's dad and Chuck's mom???!!! NOT GOOD! Dang. Daisies took a bit to grow on me but now I quite enjoy it. It's not quite my Journeyman - that's Chuck - but my weeks will be that much more drab now that Daisies is gone. Mew.

TV Tidbits 34(ish) - Journeyman

I know, I know - Journeyman is gone. But Robert is so infatuated with this show (and refuses to watch Life On Mars simply because he believes it's "like Journeyman... but not as good") that I knew this little bit of info would intrigue him. It will probably also depress him by reminding him that Journeyman was "so good" but that's his problem, not mine. :o) Kevin McKidd (the Journeyman himself) has a Q&A on TVGuide.com this morning in which he chats about his current role as McArmy on Grey's Anatomy. He did shed a little light on his old show at the end of the interview, however, and here it is:

TVGuide.com: After a slow start last year, Journeyman was just hitting its stride when the writers strike came. Were it not for that interruption, might the show have been saved?
McKidd: I don't know. On the one hand, what could have happened to us is what just happened to My Own Worst Enemy — because of the impeding strike, there wasn't anything in the works to replace us, so maybe we would have gone earlier? But with absolutely zero promotional monies spent, we actually started to kick up toward Episode 6 or 7 of the [first] 13.

TVGuide.com: Yeah, that's when the critics and fans really started warming to the show.
McKidd: But we might not have gotten that chance, had there not been a strike. It's so random — like in Journeyman, one small event can knock everything else out of whack.

TVGuide.com: Do you know any small secret from the show's mythology that never had a chance to be revealed?
McKidd: You think that each episode was just a procedural story with somebody that Dan helped. But all of these people had been specifically chosen by whatever power was at play to be knocked into their correct paths so they can all be at a certain place in their life when Dan's son, Zach, is revealed to have his own certain power. Each one of these people needed to be in a certain place, in government or research or whatever, to come back and help the boy achieve something of global significance. I thought that was very interesting.

Typing Test

80 words

Typing Test

320 points, so you achieved position 80690 of 1165486 on the ranking list


You type 448 characters per minute
You have 80 correct words and
you have 4 wrong words

Woohoo!! This was my first try, too, people. As much as I hated Mr. Koski's class, it absolutely paid off. (Plus, that's when I met Robert so, y'know, it wasn't all bad!)

Single Ladies, SNL Style

Just in case you missed the Beyonce "Singe Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" video parody on SNL last Saturday, here it is (for as long as it lasts!). I'm not super fond of Justin... but he does do a mean comedy sketch.

And just for your reference, here's the original video:

TV Tidbits 33 - Medium

Good news for us Medium fans - NBC just ordered 6 more episodes. Yay! According to TVGuide.com:

Now that two of its shows are on their way out, NBC saw need to fortify its current lineup. Midseason replacement Medium has received the go-ahead for six more episodes, The Hollywood Reporter reports

The half-dozen order will bring the supernatural series' total to 19 for its upcoming fifth season.

Now, all that's left to know is when Patricia Arquette & Co. will return to the air. A January premiere seems likely, as is a home at the Monday 10 pm slot now that current inhabitant My Own Worst Enemy has received its pink slip. Ironically, the Peacock had given Medium a shorter season this year believing they had a strong fall lineup with Enemy in the mix. Oops.

Amazing Race Recap - week 8

I didn't find last night's episode to be the complete snoozer that the recapper did, if only because there were a LOT of screw-ups to keep me entertained. Plus, the more Robert hates on Nick (his head about exploded when Nick replied "You sound like a broken record, Phil" to Phil's declaration of their being team #1. Hee!!! Made me laugh.) the more I kind of like him. ;o) I, on the other hand, absolutely DESPISE the fat fratties and desperately wish they would finally get the boot. THEY SUCK!! Geez! They do nothing but mope around and do everything half-assed. It's infuriating to me. It's even more infuriating to me that their lameness is always juuuuuust enough to skooch them to the mat under the wire. As happy as I was to see Terence and his "my love"s - her name is Sarah! Geez, man! - hit the bricks, it was definitely dampened by my desire for the fat fratties to end their (and my) misery.

Survivor Gabon's dull season suddenly turned around with last week's merge, and I'd hoped the same for this season's Amazing Race. Maybe last week's great paint assault heralded a more exciting race! And then BAM! — Kazakhstan. So much fodder for Borat, so little fun for Amazing Race fans. Turns out last week's episode wasn't the miraculous resurrection of a dying man, it was just a gas bubble popping out of a settling corpse.

The entire first segment was devoted to airport finagling that ended up with everyone bottled up at the gate of the chicken factory. Every time that happens on this show, it renders everything that happened before it moot and instantly anticlimactic: It would be as if, on election night, after two years of campaigns, Brian Williams announced, "And now, we've just been told, all votes are moot, and the new president will be decided by coin toss." The only interesting thing to come out of this first part of the show was the long-awaited question to the answer, "Why don't you ever see any Indian-Kazkh long-distance relationships?" Turns out the only way to get from Delhi to Almaty, Kazakhstan, is to go really out of your way by switching planes in Moscow, Frankfurt, or Dubai. And there beginneth and endeth the fun facts. My mother in law, who is a seasoned, adventurous traveler, can't bear to watch The Amazing Race: She always says, "It's just people arguing in airports." It would be hard to build a rebuttal based on this episode.

When the chicken factory finally opened, it was for a roadblock in which one teammate had to don a Wonkavision suit and look for a golden egg among 30,000 chickens. But wait — a fast forward! One which both Nick-Starr and Sarah-Terence went for. Terence seemed rather beaten down this leg, as evidenced by the fact that he couldn't motivate himself to sculpt his usual fauxhawk. Plus, his shirt was emblazoned with the word "LOVEMORE." What, did he no longer have the get-up-and-go to vocally plead with Sarah for affection, so he just sighed, scribbled it on his shirt as a standing order, and slumped down in the back of a cab? Although putting your most persistent grip on a T-shirt could be a very efficient move for many players. Imagine how much energy Tina would save if instead of constantly snapping at Ken, she just wore a shirt with a decal that read, "SHUT UP. YOU'RE WRONG"?

There was something delightful about having Terence shut Sarah down when she questioned trying for the fast forward ("Babe, I don't think this is a good idea." "I do."), and then it ending up his fault that they failed. The task was to eat a nasty bowl of soup made of sheep butt that looked like the winning dish on Top Chef: Bulimia. Unfortunately, Terence was a vegetarian and could only stare at the dish mournfully, as if it had not emotionally supported him. "Be tough, Babe. No one's tougher than we are," said Sarah, which is odd, because the list of people tougher than Terence include, but are not limited to, infants, Dungeons and Dragons addicts, and boys in bubbles.

Finally, after much gagging, he and Sarah bailed and returned to the chicken factory, leaving Nick and Starr to win the fast forward and go straight to the mat. ("Come on, we're the Spanglers!" urged Starr during the task, though that sounded less like a rallying cry and more like the warning you'd hear when agents from the Federal Bureau of Sequins pound on your front door looking to take your old jeans in for BeDazzling.) By the time Terence and Sarah arrived, the other teams had already finished the challenge and had hopped into giant cranes. This is where Dan and Andrew started to fall apart...yet again. It is getting hard to watch these two in action, because they are so joyless in their racing and so bad at it. Their humorless intensity doesn't even manifest itself as skill. And they can't even flame out correctly. They just keep failing at a C-minus rate, so they never quite flunk out. If they were juvenile delinquents, they'd be carrying switchblade sporks: technically a threat, but not enough of one to actually get them in trouble.

They thought their crane was lost, although once again, it looked like they were doing fine and needlessly panicking. Dan began shouting angrily out the crane window to get directions, but locals looked at him (correctly) like he was just a crazed, angry American and (appropriately) ignored him. "These are horrible people!" Dan shouted. When they finally left the cab to find the Mongol warrior who had their next clue, the two fast friends broke into one of the dullest arguments ever, something about who was the better team player: Andrew, for wanting Dan to slow down and wait for him, or Dan, for trying to push Andrew to walk faster. It's an interesting age-old dilemma. I call it, Which came first: The For God's Sake Will You Nerds Shut Up, or the Seriously, Shut Up, You Nerds!

All teams picked the same side of the detour, which involved donning a two-person cow suit and walking through the town square to find and drink a glass of milk. Frankly, there's something creepy about seeing a cow drink milk: it feels like "Two Girls, One Udder." Tina and Ken, who seemed to be in fine spirits in this leg (oh how they laughed about Ken's "Don't count your chickens..." joke at the chicken factory!), began jocularly, with Ken quipping, "Guess which end I am!" as they got suited up. That's right, Ken, just keep making sure the joke's on you and everything will be fine. In fact, best to keep a banana peel in your pocket at all times. The next time Tina starts to snarl at you just toss it on the ground, step on it, fall and give yourself a near-concussion and hope that cheers her up. It'll hurt less in the long run.

Toni and Dallas seemed to have fun in the cow suit. "Be a good ass!" Dallas hollered as he shunted his mom to the rear end. I do like their relationship, and not just because he can call his mom an ass without worry of being sent to his pit stop without any summer. They both seem to really enjoy each other's company. Dallas practically skipped down the street, calling out "Moo! Moo!," which was in stark contrast to the frat guys, who did the task with all the whimsy of Pat Buchanan in a clown suit. When they first put it on, Dan tried to get in front, telling Andrew, "Bigger guys usually go in the back. Just for weight distribution, there's probably physics behind it." Yes, the man who first invented the cow costume did so only after constructing a very elaborate logarithm. His mathematical brilliance was rivaled only by that great Renaissance inventor, Sir Jonathan Fakevomit.

Though Ken and Tina somewhat botched the task (Tina didn't see the clue on the bottom of her milk glass, and then they erroneously changed out of their cow suit), the frat guys proved that with the divorcées gone, they are now the reigning kings of mess-ups. Not only does every cab driver hailed by them magically forget every single road in his home city as soon as Dan enters the vehicle, but they misread the clue, taking a cab to the pit stop instead of walking. (There were also a lot of foreboding slow-mo shots highlighting the fact that they left their shoes at the puppet theater: Will they never be allowed footwear for the rest of the race? I don't know for certain, but Dan seems like the kind of guy who is pretty particular about washing his feet. Just going out on a limb there.)

But yet again, Dan and Andrew proved that no matter how badly they can run a leg, there will always be someone who runs it ever so slightly worse. Sarah and Terence were never able to recover from their fast-forward bailout, and they were eliminated. Even after eight episodes of Terence's needy whining, they still seemed in love upon their adventure's end. But maybe that's just the healing power of sheep-ass soup talking.

I'm still not really "rooting" for anyone but Dallas' uninhibited glee at being a cow has nudged me a few points in his favor. (But every time his mother calls him "baby" his team loses a point... I'll probably be back to neutral by 8:03 next Sunday.)

Robert's New Toy

Robert got a miter saw for his birthday (a bit belatedly a couple weeks back) and this weekend was the first chance he had to try it out. He had no project to work on (yet, though I'm told that will soon be rectified) so he just went out and cut up a bunch of wood. The man was positively giddy - I kept hearing little outbursts of "Hee hee!! I love it!!" while he was out there. It must be nice to be so easily amused. :o)




(What the heck is he going to do with that little sliver of wood? "Nothing. But see how straight it is?!!" Yes, dear. It's very straight.)

Movie Morsels 42 - Half-Blood Prince

A(nother) new Harry Potter trailer has premiered - and yes, it has stuff in it the other ones don't.

A Few Videos

First: EW.com has a short behind-the-scenes interview with Tim Gunn posted on their site this morning and I found it quite enlightening (especially with regard to the heinous Kenley). I can't embed it, but you can check it out here.
-----
Second: Bruce Willis popped up on David Letterman last night to promote... something, but the best bit was this clip of his cameo in High School Musical 3.

-----
Third: ETonline has a behind-the-scenes peek at Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia. I don't care so much about the movie but Jake's body warrants a post!! ;o) The hair has to go, though... and Jerry Bruckheimer really makes me cringe. Just focus on the abs, people!!
***UPDATE: The video starts playing anytime you load the page and it is already annoying me. I can't have that thing blaring out at me every time I log-in to the blog! So I've removed the embedded clip - sorry. You can still check out the video @ ET's site here.

TV Tidbits 32 - UPDATE

So, The Hollywood Reporter is now saying that Lipstick Jungle has indeed been canceled - along with My Own Worst Enemy. There is no official word on either series from NBC as yet, however.

NBC has pulled the plug on freshman tentpole drama "My Own Worst Enemy" and returning sophomore series "Lipstick Jungle," sources say.

The cancellation comes after both shows dropped to new lows in the ratings in recent weeks, with the Christian Slater action series sinking to a 1.8 among adults 18-49 (4.3 million viewers) on Monday night and "Lipstick" falling to a 1.2 (3.3 million viewers) on Friday.

Though the "Lipstick" number was an improvement on the previous week, the show's ratings have been below the line for a while now, and sunk into the red zone after the drama moved to Fridays.

NBC's expectation for the return of "Lipstick" was modest, but "Enemy" was considered an important show. A spy thriller with a grown-up budget inspired by the Bourne movies, "Enemy" received NBC's coveted post-"Heroes" time period. That valuable Monday hour of scheduling real estate has become less worthwhile in recent weeks, however, as "Heroes" shed viewers -- weakening the lead-in for "Enemy" and hastening its decline.

No word whether Monday's episode will be yanked from the schedule, or if the show will solider on for a few more weeks, or what program will take its place. "Enemy" is currently shooting its ninth -- and final -- episode. "Lipstick" has shot all 13 of its initial order. Both are produced by Universal Media Studios; NBC had no comment.

Oh, and MadTV has also been canceled by FOX after 14 seasons. I had no idea that show was still on.

TV Tidbits 32 - Mini-Spoilers & Season Updates

It's been quite a few Wednesdays since I gave you any scoopage but after chatting with my parents earlier this week, I realized once again that I may be in possession of TV-related knowledge that may be of interest to others. And so I have assembled some tidbits here for you, after which I'll update you on which shows are already canceled - and which ones will soon join them. Here goes!

First up: Mini-spoilers (courtesy of TVGuide.com's Matt Roush and EW.com's Michael Ausiello).

NUMBERS:

Liz Warner paired with the "new guy," Nikki worked quite well in the episode "Scan Man." Will they team up again?
Matt: Do you want the good news first? Of course you do. "Nikki and Liz will definitely be teaming up again," exec producer Ken Sanzel tells the Buzz. But for how much longer is the big question, seeing as Liz has a job transfer pending. "That will be addressed in the next few episodes," says Sanzel, "as a big opportunity comes her way."

...is done with the "Charlie needs to get his clearance back" arc, so why must Agent McGowan still be in the episodes? And do you have any "Chamita" scoopage?
Matt: Do you want the bad news first? Of course you do. Agent McGowan's three-episode arc is now done, but, Ken Sanzel shares, "We have plans for a future storyline that would involve Keith Carradine's return." This is where I soothe that sting with the scoop that Charlie and Amita's relationship will definitely continue to mature.

MEDIUM:

Any "OMG, I totally didn't see that coming!" twists we can look forward to on the new season?
Ausiello: As I reported on Monday, Family Ties' Tracy Pollan has signed on for a three-episode arc as a corporate intuitionist who offers Allison a big-bucks job at her company. But that's not the OMG! part. This is: Girlfriend's up to no good!

GHOST WHISPERER (I don't watch this show - and haven't for some time - but Hottie McHusband Jim just died last week and it's "big happenings" for those who do still watch the show. Like my mom. As such, I threw this in...):

I am going to have to give up watching Ghost Whisperer for good. I can't believe they actually went ahead and killed Jim! I am done. Unless you can give me a reason not to be?
Ausiello: I gave you two months' notice and a come-to-Jesus talk with the show's producers and still you were surprised? There's no winning with you people. And here's your reason to keep watching: Jim's not going into the light without a fight. This Friday, his ghost drops a metric ton of angst all over his grief-stricken widow when he refuses to cross over to the other side. By episode's end, he pulls a morally questionable move on a dead guy in an effort to join the living again.

THE OFFICE:

Ask Ausiello has been lacking in Office scoop lately! Spill!
Ausiello: I've got bad news: Turns out Amy Ryan is not returning in the near future. Total bummer. Now for some better news: Another beloved character is!

-----

Oooookay. So, now we move onto cancellations and would-be-canceleds.

Pushing Daisies is the biggest on-the-bubble show right now. Like it's fellow 1 season strike-shortened brother Chuck, Pushing Daisies has been going down in the ratings every week its second season. However, unlike Chuck, Pushing Daisies does not already have a full-season pick-up and, therefore, is in real danger of being canceled. Viewers are currently at around 6 million/week, which isn't fantabulous, and production on the last ordered episode (#13) is set to end within the next couple weeks - and there's been no order for further episodes placed by ABC yet. On one hand, we shouldn't worry yet - officially, ABC has until January to exercise its options with the show. On the other hand, Lost will be coming back in January... in Daisies' day and time slot. Prognosis? Still unclear. Oh, and worse news? If Daisies' 13th episode does wind up being its series finale, word is that it'll be a less-than-satisfying end to the show (much like The Sopranos' finale). Whee.

If you are a fan of Life, however, the news is much better - its next 9 episodes were just picked up by NBC. (Oh, and Knight Rider's gotten a full-season order, too. Rejoice.)

Like Lipstick Jungle? Start saving up to by the DVDs because new episodes are likely to stop coming - supposedly, NBC moving the show to Friday night is just the first nail in Jungle's coffin. Sorry, guys.

And finally - a refresher list of those that have already passed on: Do Not Disturb, Opportunity Knocks, The Ex List, Easy Money and Valentine.

Hollywood Goes Bollywood Revealed

1. Helen Mirren
2. Katherine Heigl
3. Ashley Judd
4. Liz Hurley
5. Madonna
6. Oprah Winfrey
7. Goldie Hawn
8. Jessica Alba
9. Anna Kournikova
10. Alyssa Milano

Well, I hit 50% this week, so I guess that's not too bad. A mini shout-out to Christina for guessing once again (yay!)... but her guesses were 0/2. :o( Still, I enjoyed seeing someone else's take on the photo. Keep guessing!!

Bill Buttlicker

Oh. My. Goodness. I have to say that I have very much not been impressed with The Office so far this season... but last Thursday night's phone exchange between Dwight and Jim was HI-larious!!! Definitely the best moment of the season, no question. Check it out (before YouTube takes it down):

My favorite, favorite part? At the 1:30 mark "BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!" I must've watched that 10 times if I watched it once.

Amazing Race Recap - week 7

This is a pretty good one... not fantabulous, but pretty good. As usual, I've highlighted my favorite bits.

Finally! I've been waiting all season for a challenge that has all the criteria to make a good Amazing Race episode: It has to be exotic and indigenous to the episode's country; it must be frustrating; and it must make the most ridiculous teams look really, really silly. Thank you, Delhi, and thank you, Holi festival!

In this festival, people celebrate by running around pelting each other with paint dye and water. It seems odd that they would hit people with the ingredients for paint rather than just splattering them with paint. Seems pretty inefficient: In vaudeville, what if instead of being hit in the face with a pie, the straight man was splattered with flour, water, sugar, eggs, and cream, and then tossed into an oven preheated at 350? But I'm not complaining: This roadblock would not have been half as fun without the giant multicolored mushroom clouds enveloping our players.

This was the rare episode that was actually better than the previous week's teaser. And I have the divorcées to thank for that. To see Kelly, in second place, darting into the melee, only to be instantly set upon by hordes of paint tossers, was to have Christmas come early. It was as if the celebrants had been alerted to their arrival and told, "Color with extreme prejudice." Kelly dashed in circles, only to be pooped back out onto the sidelines without going up the ladder she needed to in order to grab an envelope.

The attack on Kelly might have seemed a bit beyond the pale, which is why, before their arrival, the producers stuck in some careful reminders about why she deserved it. First we saw her and Christy snickering about how awful it would be to kiss either Andrew or Dan: Mean Girls 101. And then, as their lost cab driver took them through slums, they turned up their noses at the smell. I'm not saying it didn't smell, but what better way to legitimize the people attacking her than by first showing her calling their home stinky? If I heard them walking down my block, bitching about how bad my street was and how they couldn't believe anyone would live there, I would be within my rights to run out and scribble on their faces with a Sharpie. I think it's in the Constitution.

It would have been enough to see Kelly repeatedly pelted in the face with paint, but the icing on the canvas was that she had completely misread the clue. Each player was supposed to thumb through a ring of hanging envelopes, all but six of which had the words "TRY AGAIN" written in big letters on them; to move on, you had to find the envelope marked "THE AMAZING RACE." The divorcées thought you had to yank down one envelope at a time, bring it back to your teammate, and then open it up. Even if you're prone to misinterpreting clues, as the divorcées are, wouldn't the fact that the envelope had the words "TRY AGAIN" in huge letters be a huge clue that perhaps it was a dead end? I've been racking my brains trying to think of anything that the producers could have written on the envelopes that could be more obvious, and I can't come up with anything. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT"? Nope, still not as clear as "TRY AGAIN." Anything short of electrifying the wrong envelopes wouldn't work, and even that might not dissuade them. Lab rats in mazes could have figured this out faster than they did.

Terence finished it much quicker, although with just as much drama. When he grabbed his envelope, he shoved people out of the way like George Costanza pushing his way out of a kids' birthday party when a smoke alarm goes off. But to be fair, he did have paint in his nose, a fact he would not let a disgusted Sarah forget: "I'm spitting out color. Look!" I'd hate to be Sarah when Terence gets a hemorrhoid.

I enjoyed Dan's reaction to the roadblock scene, though: "It was like a wild rave party, except there weren't any hot blond girls, and all we had was a sausagefest of guys with paint." It's like Dan learned everything he knew about raves from a 1998 issue of Maxim that someone left in his frat bathroom.

Meanwhile, Ken and Tina brought up the rear. Ken took on the colorful task, and when Tina began screeching obvious orders to him, a group of revelers attacked her with green paint as she called them "Stupid morons!" I'm sure at this moment, Ken briefly wondered if he had magical powers and had willed this to happen. Imagine how much more pleasant life would be for him if every time Tina snapped at him, a complete stranger would magically come up and hit her in the face with paint. It's like the old Milton Berle "Makeup!" bit, except potentially toxic.

Everyone got the clue, and even the divorcées caught on, although afterward they were convinced cabbies were ignoring them because they were multicolored. As they woefully yelled things like, "I can't believe no one will stop!...They acted as if we didn't exist!", yes, I too was aware that it looked like Bertram van Munster was using them to stage an incredibly ham-handed Soul Man-like morality tale on privileged whites learning what it's like to be an African-American trying to get a cab in New York City. Of course, that all stopped when they finally did get a cab and began making faces out the window to scare people. You stay classy, divorcées!

Before the next detour, Ken and Tina had to do their penalty speed bump, handing out holy water. Ken somehow missed that it was holy water, and kept making lighthearted jokes. Did he think that he was handing out refreshments to the world's slowest marathon runners? Was Ken ever an altar boy? Because I'd hate to hear his communion-wafer shtick.

The detour was a choice between following confusing power lines, finding the numbers on the small tags hanging from them, and writing them down or hauling and then manually grinding giant bags of dried chilis. Terence and Sarah were the only ones who opted for the chilis, in what turned out to be such a painfully spicy experience. When they finally finished, Sarah said, "If somebody said to me right now, 'Put cow manure on your body and it will make you feel better,' I would lather myself up with it, that's how much pain I'm feeling." I think it says a lot about Terence that she would make this claim, and yet still balk at spraying water up his nose.

Nick and Starr and Toni and Dallas teamed up for the power lines, and got it right on the first try. The divorcées, however, failed numerous times, keeping their streak of misunderstanding clues alive. The frat guys made the same mistake of following the wrong numbers, allowing Ken and Tina to pass them both. I know it seems like my loyalties are constantly shifting, but I did enjoy watching Christy try to block Tina's view when the judge was checking her number, only for her and Kelly to be proven wrong yet again. Hey, on my food chain of disdain, Ken and Tina rank slightly higher than the divorcées, so when forced to choose a side when they face off, I'll root for the green machine.

(But forget the teams. In this detour, I found myself rooting for the animated judge. If he was handed a wrong number, he tossed it back with utter contempt: Do not come to my country and miscount my power lines! Do I come to your country and mock your nuclear plants? But when a team was right, he'd make a big show of disapproving of their solution, only to suddenly grin and give a thumbs-up. With his scowls and that psych-out, he was like the Indian Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest all rolled into one. If American Idol's ratings continue to drop next season, I recommend they sub him in as a money-saving scheme. Who knows: If he catches on, wearing newspapers on your head could be this year's Rachel 'do.)

In the end, Nick and Starr landed in first place yet again. It looked like their time was so fast that Phil's matmate wasn't prepared; he stood over to the side, watering the lawn (and doing a bad job of it, judging by the giant brown spots), and Phil had to call him over. I later realized this had nothing to do with Nick and Starr's speed, as he had to be called over for everybody. Erratically showing up late, seeming distracted at all times...hey, he could join power line judge and be the new Paula Abdul!

Ultimately, the frat guys once again finished second to last, surviving by being slightly less incompetent than the losing team. But it was the divorcées' turn to go home. They bade farewell tearily, calling themselves best friends 4-eva, and giving one last dig to their ex-husbands for good measure. Said Christy, "I would have never had this experience had I still been stuck at home ironing sheets for [my ex]." So with this loss, I wish these bestest of friends the bestest of times, ironing sheets for each other.

I still don't have a clear team to root for, even after all these weeks. I am not as averse to Nick and Starr as Robert is - he really, really, REALLY hates Nick - but I don't actively like them, either. I was surprised that Ken and Tina did so well (or, rather, were able to benefit from other teams being so very stupid so well) because I think every other Speed Bump'd team (in previous seasons) has promptly bitten the dust. I could not believe how stupid the divorcees were; Robert almost felt bad for them but I did not. They are just way, way, way too stupid for pity. Plus, they're kind of mean. And I never got over their overreacting to Sportsbragate. The fat fratties are my #1 team to go home. The dudes do NOTHING. They don't even try!! They never rush, they always just stand around looking helpless when they can't figure something out and they are big whiny crybabies. Ugh. I really hope they go home next. Oh, and Robert adored the guy at the sewing machine acting as the detour judge. He could not get enough! If they start selling T-shirts with that guy's photo on'em, you know what to buy Robert for Christmas.

Ayyyy! Puzzle 14: Hollywood Goes Bollywood

Not really, but I thought the poster's tag line was catchy. :o) This week's puzzle is really just a bunch of Hollywood actresses dressed in saris. Whee.

As usual, answers go up Wednesday and my guesses are in the comments.

Robert's Birthday Dinner - Take 3

So, in "Better Late Than Never" news, here are a few photos of Robert's third (and final - yay!!) birthday celebration. Robert's parents made dinner for him on Halloween night so we headed over to the McCauleys' to dine with the family. The dinner (which consisted of 'meat-on-a-stick,' fried rice and asparagus [which I actually ate, thank YOU!]) was quite tasty and Robert got a special pumpkin cobbler for dessert (which he loved). I've never seen a family fight more over cheese, sour cream or whipped cream... ! Anyway, a few spirited political debates aside, it was a lovely way to cap Robert's birthday month. (Geez. I hope you're reading this, Robert, because I'd better be getting a month, too!!!!)

This is Sweet Pea, Maria's demon cat, dressed as a sailor.

And here is Robert, leading us in a somewhat tone-deaf rendition of Happy Birthday... (he wouldn't let me include the photo of him blowing out the candles).

Rest in peace, Robert's Birthday Month. I shall not miss thee.