I Prefer 'Reproduction' but..

I just got back from dropping Robert off at the airport (he's off to beautiful Secaucus on a business trip) and am already missing my annoying little man. So I thought I'd take a moment and post a couple of recent Robert-isms to cheer me up.

First up: Maxwell Caulfield. Some of you may know him as Hayley Mills' brother-in-law. Some of you may know him as Dr. Quinn's believed-dead-but-really-just-disfigured fiance David. But me? I know him from a little film called Grease 2. He was Michael, the hunky foreign exchange student and cousin of Sandy, who moonlighted as a mysterious motorcycle man to win Michelle Pfeiffer's heart. Or, as he is otherwise known, Cool Rider. C-O-O-L  R-I-D-E-R.



I haven't seen or heard much from Max since then (save his stint on Dr. Quinn, of course) but he popped up on Modern Family a few weeks back. Very excited to see him still working (though a bit sad to see he still didn't look like he did in 1982, shockingly enough) I squealed "It's C-O-O-L  R-I-D-E-R!" To which Robert replied "Who? Colored man? Who's that?" Colored man?!! Really? Really, Robert? He said he heard the C and the R and the D and for some reason that made him automatically jump to Colored Man. Cause I talk about that guy all the time.


Next up: CPR. I honestly don't remember how this came up but for some reason Robert and I were discussing how 'Staying Alive' is the song of choice for those performing CPR because the beat coincides with when you should pump. I mentioned that when I took a CPR last year (a VT program requirement) they mentioned a second song that was equally useful if a bit more morbid. But I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. Fast forward to me blurting out "Oh! It's 'Another One Bites the Dust!'" To which Robert replied "Hey, that's actually a good one- it's related to what you're doing!" I gave him a puzzled/incredulous look and it only took him a few seconds to realize that 'Staying Alive' also, y'know, is thematically appropriate with trying to save someone's life. Go figure. He does make me laugh, though. You gotta love him. :o)


Oh, and for those of you confused by the post title, click here. It's my favorite Grease 2 song.

Giants Parade

Robert took a very rare day off from work and went to the Giants' victory parade with Bob and Jose (his uncle) on the 3rd. The three of them left the house before the sun was out and I think they got to the city by 6:45. Completely ridiculous in my mind but (1) not surprising considering the group and (2) they did wind up getting an excellent position, right at the corner of Market and McAllister. Jose provided most of the photos but I sprinkled in a few of Robert's, too (his are the ones without titles). Apparently our camera battery died about 2 seconds into the parade... Robert was super happy, as you can imagine. ;o) I'm really glad Robert went; he was waffling about what to do but such a die hard fan HAS to go to the parade if he has the chance! And he had a great time - he was hoarse for three days after the fact.

Click here to view these pictures larger

GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did dogs start howling around your house around 7:30 tonight? I thought so. They were responding to Robert's screams of glee as the Giants won the Series. The videography of the following is pretty rough but I thought some of you out there might get a kick out of watching Robert sing and dance (though I use the terms loosely) in celebration:

(Sorry the video is so long... had I more time, I would've edited out the slow parts but I had to get this bad boy up FAST! If you make it to 3:59, though, you'll be rewarded with startled puppies and a horrible, horrible Lauren cackle.)

Quigley was our good luck charm - or "golden dog" as Robert called him - because he was with us at our place for 4 of the 5 games. Can you guess which one he missed? Yeah. So we (*cough*Robert*cough*) made it a point to pick up Quigs before the final 2 games. And it worked! Thanks, Quigs.

Oh, the Dancing Arms...

Robert's lack of dance moves have long been a source of humor in the family, amongst our friends... and even a few coworkers. :o) Robert really likes to dance and really, really, really wishes he had a better innate sense of rhythm so as to dance better. He tries. And he's definitely improved. He just... well, he has his signature move and it's hard to break him of it. All these years I'd assumed he'd inherited his dancing prowess from his mother because, well, while I love Carmen and Bob, I have seen both of them dance and I have to say that Bob definitely has better moves. I'm sorry! But it's true. Plus, he can keep to the beat, which is an important part of any successful dance. However... after seeing the video below I may have to change my thoughts on this topic.

Holy crap! It's like they're TWINS, people!!! It's almost eerie. I've never seen them dance in such close proximity but WOW are they ever related. Poor Maria... she just looks lost in the shuffle, doesn't she? ;o)

A big THANK YOU to Carissa for shooting this fabulous footage. It's a hoot! Makes me giggle every time I watch it.

Robert Story #146

One of my favorite Robert stories occurred several years ago while we were shopping at Target. The Target store here in Fremont has automatic doors and, as you would assume, this is the store at which we usually shop. One day, however, Robert and I were shopping at a different location (I can't really remember which one) and Robert was pushing the cart. He pushed it all the way up to the door and... nothing happened. So, he inched a little bit closer. Bupkus. He got right up to the door and still it refused to open! Why?! Well, because it wasn't an automatic door. Hello. I knew this, of course, but I so enjoyed watching Robert try to coax the door into opening by pushing the cart further and further toward the door. :o) And, of course, I tease him about it just about every time we go to Target. It makes me happy.

Fast forward to this morning. Robert toothpasted his Sonicare. Turned it on. Nothing happened. Oh, well, I take that back - it did make a 'bzzzzzz'ing noise. But the brush head didn't actually move. So, Robert turned it off... and tried it again. Still nothing. So he pushed the brush head into his teeth because, in his mind, THAT was clearly going to make the head start vibrating like it was supposed to. Surprisingly enough it didn't. Then Robert says to me "Dang. I dropped it yesterday." But did you push it into your teeth yesterday? 'Cause that might've fixed it. Maybe you waited too long. Maybe your gigantochompers have magical powers in the evening that they just don't have in the morning.

Robert's Latest Projects

As a belated quasi-Valentine's gift, Robert finally installed the shelf/hook I ask for back at the dawn of time. ;o) It started out as a shelf-and-hook combo but when it didn't really work size-wise in our allotted space, I had him chop it in half and install them separately. (Which is what took 948 years... ) But!!! They are up now and they're fantastic! Look at all my extra counter space!!! (I used to store both my lunch bag and the radio on the counter... hey, we have no counter space, people! It was either there or on the dryer!) Robert even made a little slat in the shelf to hide the cord (as if we'd notice amongst all the other clutter - like the stupid phone cord - but still a sweet gesture). Now I just have to find a new home for the calendar...

Gelatinous Orbs

Here's a good Robert story for you... Well, let me first preface it by saying that Robert is a very nice man and a good boyfriend. He does the grocery shopping for our little family every week and on this particular trip he remembered to buy butter when I neglected to tell him, so he earned some good brownie points. Which he promptly lost (well, at least some!) by pulling out a carton of fat free milk. Fat free milk?!! No, no, no, no, no. When I screeched at him that this is not at all what we drink (I'm a 1% gal, he's a whole milk guy - you can tell by his staggering height and rippling muscles, no? - so we usually get 2%), he said "But it's blue!! I buy blue!!" *sigh* When he buys Lucerne (what we usually get), he either buys an ugly yellow (1%) or a light blue (2%) carton. CARTON. When he buys Sunnyside, he usually buys the 2% plastic jug that comes with a dark blue label. A dark blue label does not a dark blue carton make, man! But, he saw dark blue and that's what he bought - no matter that, in bold, white letters on the front of the carton, it said "fat free milk." Reading? Pbth. That stuff is for losers!
So, I asked him: "Have you ever bought a dark blue carton?" "No. But..." Ah, buh buh buh - no buts. If you insist on selecting your purchase solely by color, you need to pay attention to what color(s) you have previously purchased! Duh. Open up those gelatinous orbs in your head and look at it, man! Oy. ["But light blue and dark blue are practically the same!" Again, if you insist on only going by color, you need to pay attention to the nuances between them!] This is exactly how I ended up with two gallons of egg nog at Christmas... The carton was light green, just like the 1% milk was at the time, only the egg nog had big, giant, red holly berries on the carton. Oh, and it said "e-g-g n-o-g." But, apparently, Robert didn't read then, either. :o)

Robert Dictionary (Update 1)

If you read my entry about Robert's interpretation of Auld Lang Syne (Odd Long Sang), you are aware that Robert has a unique approach to certain aspects of the English language. Shoot, if you spend any time with him you know that he has lots and lots of 'Robert-isms' just bubbling under the surface, waiting to erupt at any moment. Trust me ladies, it's a joy - a JOY! - living with him 24-7. Not annoying at all.

As I listened to my XM radio here at work, a song came on which reminded me of one such enchanting Robert-ism that has effectively ruined the song for me forever. Not ruined in the sense that I hate the song now or can't stand to listen to it; more like I hear Robert's stupid voice murdering the lyrics every time I hear it, no matter what. And so I was prompted to start up a dictionary of sorts - a collection of Robert's endearing little phrases that are slowly infecting other members of my family. Here's what I have so far:

• Mi mal - Robert just loves to demonstrate his mastery of Spanish whenever possible. So, instead of "my bad" (itself an old phrase, so he really should try to phase it out as soon as possible...), I get "mi mal!" Cute.
  

• Mr. Bueno Bar- along the same Spanish lines, Mr. Goodbar (one of Robert's favorites) has now become Mr. Bueno Bar.

• Tomate-y-toes and potate-y-toes - For some reason, just saying 'tomatoes' and 'potatoes' is too dull for Mr. Excitement. Every single stinking time the man refers to one or the other, he throws in the "y-toes" at the end. Drives me nuts! You're a grown man, man!! No baby talk!
  

• Chrissy trees - You know them as Christmas trees. Please see above indignation.
  

• Muffs, butts, cracks... - Sounds off-putting, I know, but this is my life. The man loves to abbreviate things so muffins are 'muffs,' butter is 'butt' and crackers are 'cracks' (there are more but these are the most egregious, I think). Following his logic, butter crackers are 'butt cracks.' How precious.
  

• GOTs - Stands for "Going-Out Thongs." As opposed to his dirty, old work thongs, his GOTs are new and clean. If his feet are dirty, he won't contaminate the GOTs so, oddly enough, the GOTs don't go out as much as they'd like. Robert not only likes to abbreviate words - he likes to make up stupid acronyms, too.
  

• Under My Pulgar - (You'll notice a Spanish theme in this collection, I think...) The aforementioned Robert-ruined song. Apparently, the Rolling Stones don't speak fluent Spanish. The only word they know: thumb.
  

• Chicken, Rice and Peas - One of my favorite meals that my mom makes is fried chicken, Rice-a-Roni and peas. Robert prefers mashed potatoes to rice so my mom usually alternates making each side dish whenever she fries chicken. Anyway, Robert has cultivated a little song called "Chicken, Rice and Peas" that is sung to the tune of Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves." Well, I use the word "tune" loosely - the title is the extent of the lyrics. Still, anytime we partake of the meal, Robert asks if he can sing the song. I guess it helps him cope with the lack of potatoes, I don't know.

I will try to add to this as things pop up... then I'll bump the post up to the first slot. It's not an important endeavor, of course, but my life is sad and I need to fill it with something. ;o)

Strike Watch

As I’m sure most of you know, the writers’ strike should be over imminently, with many shows expecting their writers to return as early as tomorrow. This is an excellent article, courtesy of TVGuide.com, that breaks down which shows will still have new episodes to show this season, (and about how many).

After the Strike: When Will Your Favorite Shows Return?




Supposedly, it will be updated throughout the day to reflect more accurate info as it becomes available ...

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On a totally different topic, sharing Robert’s obliviousness to Leah’s feathers, (see “Cankle Head & Cadaver Eyes”), reminded me of one of my favorite stories … and an excellent example of his prevalent absentmindedness. Back in college, I used to keep all my shoes lined up neatly in pairs all across my closet floor. One night, I’d taken off a pair of my shoes to watch TV and, since Robert was headed to my room, I asked him to please put away my shoes. He left with the shoes and came back without them, so I assumed he’d done as I asked. And he did … sort of. It wasn’t until he’d gone home and I’d headed back to my room did I discover that, yes, he’d put the shoes back in my room but they didn’t quite make it in the closet. Not a big deal but, still, the next day I asked him about it – he said he couldn’t remember where the shoes went.


Now, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a closet floor covered with shoes save a two-shoe-wide hole right behind the door runner. Now imagine a pair of shoes sitting exactly in front of that hole, directly in front of the runner. Like, if the shoes had been scooted up two inches, they would have found a nice, snug home in the two-shoe-wide hole. But he couldn’t remember where there shoes went. Riiiiiiiiiight. Actually, I believe him; I’m sure he didn’t put two and two together to determine where the shoes went. And that just makes it all the more sad! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – for a smart guy he can be pretty dumb. :o)

The Iceman Cometh

Robert and I rented La Vie en Rose this weekend, (we also rented The Simpsons Movie just in case you think we’re too foofy …), and he busted out a good Iceman-ism I thought I’d share. There is a scene during the movie where a bar is singing Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s Eve and Robert says to me: “Did people sing Odd Long Sang back in 1936?” To which I responded, with a smirk: “Huh?” He could tell he’d stuck his foot in his mouth and tried frantically to backtrack – “Old Long Song? Odd Song Lang?” and many other iterations thereto. By this point, I was cracking up and he was quite frustrated. :o) He makes me laugh … for a smart guy, he can be pretty dumb sometimes!

Just as an aside – the answer to Robert’s question is yes, people probably did sing Odd Long Sang back in 1936. Courtesy of Wikipedia:

The ProQuest newspaper archive has articles dated 1896 that describe revelers on both sides of the Atlantic singing the song to usher in the New Year … Examples follow:
"New Year's Eve in London" (1910) – Usual Customs Observed by People of All Classes… The passing of the old year was celebrated in London much as usual. The Scottish residents gathered outside of St. Paul's Church and sang “Auld Lang Syne” as the last stroke of 12 sounded from the great bell.

Granted the movie takes place in France but let’s just assume that the song was sung all across Europe, shall we?