Hot Men x 2 + Movie = Meh.

Well, for all the hullabaloo I made about Public Enemies you'd think I'd have managed to see it before last Saturday night. But, I didn't. I think Robert got burned so badly when I dragged him to Troy (he thought the fight scenes might make up for the fact that it was a Brad Pitt movie - they didn't) that I don't think he was too keen to hop in the car and see Public Enemies in the theater. (Which is actually okay. I must have had extenuating circumstances that made missing it okay at the time because let me assure you - if I had REALLY wanted to see the hot men on the big screen, we would most definitely have seen them on the big screen! Moving on...)

Where was I? Oh, yes - Public Enemies. Well, Robert and I Netflix'd it last weekend and I have to say I was mightily disappointed. Christian Bale + Johnny Depp + hot period clothes + respected director (Michael Mann)? Should've been a HUGE win!! But no. It was a slow, boring, somewhat nonsensical mess. In fact, the 10 minute 'making of' featurette was much more informative and interesting than the 2-hour movie so that tells you something right there. And my crushing disappointment got me to thinking: Most movies with more than 1 Hot Man are crap. The aforementioned Troy? Disaster. Velvet Goldmine? Unwatchable. Terminator Salvation? Cockapoops. How can this be?! It's cruel. Cruel, I tell you!! It's like the old 'two good-looking people make ugly children' rule* - too many hot men in a movie dissolves the plot. Such a drag!!

* There are always exceptions to such rules. For instance, Halle Barry and Gabriel Aubry's daughter is gorgeous. And The Prestige was a good movie despite featuring both Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman in leading roles. (Though Hugh's creepy facial hair in the movie sort of dampened the hotness. Maybe Enemies would've been better if Johnny had sported his weird porn 'stache throughout more of the film... )

Amazing Race 16: Week 4

Sorry for the delay on the recap but Robert didn't get home from Portland til late Tuesday night and we didn't get a chance to watch Sunday's episode until last night. And I couldn't very well add pithy comments to the recap when I hadn't yet seen the episode, now could I?

So, here in week 4 I can say that I am liking the cowboys more and more all the time (they're darn talented - did you see how well they did with the soccer challenge even though they've never played soccer?! Oh, and I had no idea that cowboy hats were so tight they'd stay on while bungee jumping... Geez!), I do NOT understand how the stupid friggin' detectives got into 2nd place right off the bat and I'm so bummed for Jeff that Jordan is THE MOST WORTHLESS PARTNER IN THE HISTORY OF THE RACE. Seriously. She's driving me insane.

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I'm filling in for Jessica Shaw this week, and brother, did I luck out! I spent six months studying abroad in Germany, so I was loving last night's sauerkraut-infused episode. Jet and Cord did not share my excitement: the move from South America to Central Europe definitely put Team Cowboy off balance. Early in the episode, perhaps anticipating the trouble they'd soon be having with subways and beer halls, Cord told his partner, ''There's cities all over the world, Jet. We're from the country. We can't tell.''

The Brothers McCoy charmed a travel agent with some broken Spanish, and landed on the same flight as the Detectives. Detectives and Cowboys are usually natural enemies, like the mongoose and the rhino. But Louie and Michael seem to have a real affection for the Oklahoma Kids. On another flight, Carol and Brandy affirmed their new devotion to not freaking out all over each other: ''You get two strong-willed women together, and they think they're right… the word for the day is RESPECTFUL.'' Dan confirmed what some of us were already expecting, admitting that he doesn't like traveling; he's on the show because Jordan loves Race, and ''I saw an opportunity to help my brother achieve his dream.'' So, just so we're clear, people named Jordan always get what they want. Thanks for the lesson, TV!

The Cowboys and the Detectives arrived at the Bahnhof mere minutes ahead of the stragglers. ''Man, I just watched the movie where the lady fell off in the tracks,'' said Jet. Or was it Cord? I can't quite tell them apart, except by the color of their hats. (Is the one wearing the black hat the bad guy?) The stragglers were told by the helpful ticket-taker that the train was leaving in three minutes. Brent and Caite got lost (this is Be Kind to Airheads month, so I should point out that the Frankurt train station was designed by Dr. Caligari.) The stragglers all missed the train by just a few seconds. German trains always leave on time. Thanks for another lesson, TV!

In Hamburg, the teams had to find a street called Jungfernstieg, which roughly translates as ''young distant path'' according to my internet translator. It was Intersection time: two teams had to merge, and one person from each team had to go bungee jumping. ''City and country are gonna work together today!'' said Michael, patting Jet on the back. Jet, for his part, admitted that he wouldn't have been able to find the subway without Michael: ''When we say Metro, that means City.''

The other alliances were interesting, and seemed to point toward future tension. Joe and Heidi paired up with Steve and Allie. Heidi: ''They come from a good family, we come from a good family.'' Dan, on Carol: ''She's like the lesbian aunt I never had.'' Jordan and Jeff reached the Intersection point right before Brent and Caite arrived attractively in last place. ''Brent and Caite are like our alliance,'' said Jeff. How can I put the awfulness of the JJ/BC alliance in geopolitical terms? It's as if Luxembourg and Lichtenstein teamed up and bragged that they could totally kick Monaco's butt.

Brent explained to the camera, ''Caite lived in New York for awhile; I got a feeling she can figure the subway out.'' Jordan was equally confident in Caite's ability to navigate Hamburg's U-Bahn. Cut to: Caite, marveling at all the pretty colors on the subway map and getting on a car going in the wrong direction. ''The metro is not too specific about which places it goes to,'' said Caite. Yes, as we all know, the Germans are an imprecise species, preferring ambiguity to cold hard facts. How else could there be so many German poets and so few German engineers?

Jet and Michael arrived at the 150-foot bungee jump. ''You will lose your hat, I think,'' said the Bungee professional. Jet insisted that it would stay on. He was right: the hat didn't leave his head, even when he was hanging upside down. Jet, my boy, you just broke the laws of physics! ''I've just proved to the world that you can bungee jump with a hat on,'' said Jet, sounding like he'd just discovered penicillin. ''That was scarier than any door I've ever kicked,'' said Michael, clearly angling for his own A&E reality show.

The rest of the bungee jumps were pretty perfunctory, except for Brandy's screeching, I'm-gonna-die performance. (Further cementing the alliance, Dan managed to help keep her calm: ''We're fine. We're fine. We're fine. I've got you.'')

The next instruction: find the statue of Germany's first Emperor. Or, as Michael yelled at a taxi driver, ''We're looking for Kaiser Wilhelm!'' (Just don't mention the war!) The Cowboys made a serious mistake: instead of springing for a Mercedes taxi, they attempted to take the subway. This decision seemed to send them into a tailspin for a few hours. In the meantime, the Detectives arrived at the statue first, and got to choose between two challenges: sports and eating. Or, as Phil put it, ''Germany's two greatest traditions: soccer and sauerkraut!''

The soccer challenge was fairly straightforward and impossibly difficult: hit five targets from the penalty-kick area. Wisely, the Detectives chose the Sauerkraut: As a band played the Sauerkraut Polka, they had to finish a mountain of Sauerkraut. If they didn't polish it off before the song ended, they had to start all over again. ''I've eaten things as big as Jet and Cord,'' bragged Michael. They quickly housed the dish. Said Louie, handlebar mustache still damp with sour cabbage, ''I imagined it was pasta, and that was it.''

Somewhere in all this confusion, Father-daughter team Steve and Allie leaped into second place. This episode did nothing to solve the conundrum that Jessica pointed out last week: Who are these mysterious people who keep on acing all the challenges? More to the point: Is Steve secretly owning this season? On the soccer field, Steve knocked down the soccer targets one after the other.

The Brothers McCoy showed up at the soccer stadium full of all-American bravado; neither of them had ever played soccer before. ''Ah, cleats. Sweet!'' exclaimed Jet. ''What I've seen on TV is all I know,'' said Cord. Somehow, they managed to totally rock the soccer competition. (There's a possibly apocryphal story about the POW soccer movie Victory that, during filming, Sylvester Stallone challenged best-soccer-player-ever Pelé to a round of penalty kicks, reasoning that soccer was not actually a real sport. Suffice it to say that Stallone did not have the McCoys' natural talent.)

Louie and Michael arrived at Haifischbar (Shark Bar) for the mandatory drinking competition: a two-liter glass boot of beer. Michael mostly ceded drinking duties to Louie: ''It was so good to see him chugging that beer.'' They were quickly off to the final stop of the night: Beatles-Platz, a monument honoring the Beatles, and The Indra, the bar where the Fab Four first hit it big playing American pop songs. (Fun fact: The Beatles had such a big following in Germany that they actually re-recorded some of their most popular songs in German. Don't tell me you haven't heard ''Komme Gib Mir Deine Hand''? [<-- Lauren's note: I have. I actgually have it on CD. I'm a dork.])

At the back of the pack, in the land of beautiful people, Barbie Caite was getting mad at Ken Brent. ''I'm sick and tired of getting lost!'' she screamed. Somehow, they weren't even the worst off; Jordan and Jeff's cabbie was the only bad driver in German history. He took them halfway down the Autobahn before he realized he was misreading his digital navigator. Jordan told Jeff they should've just gone to the soccer challenge, but Jeff pointed out, rather adroitly, ''This guy would've typed it in his GPS and we would've ended up in Switzerland.''

The Savage Detectives arrived in Beatles-Platz. Their taxi driver warned them it was right by the Red Light District: ''Pubs, discos, and sex shops.'' Inside of the Indra, Beatles look-alikes were onstage. Phil welcomed the First Place team. Said the Detectives, ''I'm no longer a sheep, brother! I'm a wolf! AROOO!'' DRUUNK! From zero to hero, indeed.

Back at the Shark bar, Steve kept his winning streak going by downing the Boot in what looked like two chugs. ''This is my dad's favorite challenge in the world,'' said Allie. Steve won over the bartender with his parting words: ''Thank you for the beer. Love you.''

At this point, the episode became a race between people who would lose by a little, and people who would lose by a lot. In the ''Lose by a little'' category, Joe and Heidi had no luck with the soccer (''My knee is killing me,'' Joe said five times), and decided to switch to the sauerkraut. Heidi, who clearly believes in Magical Thinking, promised that they'd be sauerkraut champions: ''We tailgate. We bring the sauerkraut.''

Dan and Jordan made short work of the soccer targets. I kind of enjoy the brother's team dynamic: they seem like good friends, but there's also a definite air of competitiveness in their interaction. (Dan: ''Jord, let's stop wasting balls and time!'') Carol and Brandy made short work of the sauerkraut (Brandy ended up licking the plate, earning a congratulatory nod from the waiter.) Everybody was having trouble with the boot. Joe looked like he was about to vomit: ''I like drinking beer, but I dunno if I like this.'' The cowboys admitted something a little bit surprising: ''I never drank a beer in my whole life.'' What's not to love about Jet and Cord? Nothing. Nothing is not to love.

Meanwhile, in the ''Lose by a Lot'' category, Jordan and Jeff returned from their misadventure in the German countryside. They were rallying. They knew they had to devour the sauerkraut. When the waiter brought out the plate, Jordan made a face that I would charitably describe as ''undiplomatic.'' She plugged her ears when the band started playing the polka. They managed to eat about 1/8 of the plate. ''See you later, sauerkraut!'' said Jeff. They beat a hasty retreat and tried to find the soccer stadium. Jeff, always the optimist, said, ''Hopefully, somebody fell off a bridge with cement shoes.''

Speaking of the soccer stadium! Caite was excited when she heard about the soccer challenge. Soccer, it seems, was her number one sport: ''I'm really good at it.'' Brent nodded in agreement and decided that the best tactic was, as usual, to let Caite do everything while he hung back and showed the world his best Blue Steel. Unfortunately, Caite hurt herself from all the kicking. She was screaming in pain. Brent helpfully advised her, ''Don't hurt yourself. Just kick the ball.''

Joe and Heidi arrived at the nightmarish Beatles bar in third place. Just behind them, the Cowboys made friends with the Shark bar denizens, who were cheering them on as they gagged through the beer. Gesturing at the almost-empty boot, Cord said, ''You're down to a tennis shoe,'' which is pretty funny. ''I never ever in my life want another beer,'' he said, on his way to a fourth-place finish. Tough night for the Cowboys! I have to point out that Carol had the definite burp of the night, with a proud belch that echoed across the Rhineland. I should also point out that Dan and Jordan had my favorite exchange of the night:

''Are we in the red light district?''

''Hell yeah we are! And I'm drunk!''

Big shocker: Caite is not a beer drinker. She had a tiny sip from the boot and made a face I would generously describe as war-instigating. At last, Brent had his chance to do something useful for the team. He tried to chug the beer. The result was not pretty. ''I'm gonna throw up,'' he said. ''I'm really gonna throw up.'' Viewers, Brent doesn't lie! While he regurgitated all over the historic streets of Hamburg, his galpal waited patiently. When he got back in, she comforted him: ''Just chug it.'' The Germans cheered him on.

The model couple sped away to Beatles plaza. Jordan and Jeff arrived, and after their worst day yet, Jeff finally found something he was good at. He polished the beer off in about two seconds, and proved himself the fan favorite of the Shark Bar regulars. Despite a big lead, Team Dating Models barely got to the finish line ahead of Team Newly Dating. This might have just been in the editing, but I can actually believe that the high maintenance beauties had trouble walking in a straight line down the street. If the last two teams actually were that close together, then Team J & J was undone by Jeff's wandering eye: ''That's a strip joint,'' he marveled, ''These are all strip joints!''

Phil laid a happy twist on the sad couple: ''This is a non-elimination leg.'' So Jordan and Jeff will live to get lost another day. How did you feel about this, viewers? Do you think they'll be able to redeem themselves? Personally, I'm betting that they last longer than Caite and Brent: the fact that Caite made coming in seventh for the third time sound like a good thing (''Lucky number 7! Three time's the charm!'') doesn't fill me with confidence.

How did you feel about the trip to Hamburg, Race fans? Despite a little stumble, Jet and Cord still feel like the frontrunners to me; even when it became clear that they were starting to fall behind, they didn't seem the least bit anxious, and that steadiness will almost certainly serve them well. Conversely, even though I'm a big fan of the Savage Detectives, it feels to me like their success last night was due to more than a few lucky breaks. Then again, there's the ongoing mystery of Steve and Allie: whoever they are, they're doing good things.

2010 Oscar Follow-Up

Well, you can pretty much refer to last year's wrap-up post and you'll get a feel for how I felt about last night's ceremony. It was long. It was boring (though I liked Steve and Alec as hosts well enough. They weren't super hilarious but they did make me chuckle here and there). There was no prospect of hot men. And I lost the RHI pool AGAIN. I came in third. THIRD!!!! It was my poorest showing in recent memory. So poor, in fact, that I'm not even going to waste my time scanning and uploading the scored ballot. I missed nine categories!! (And no, not because I picked Avatar for everything. In fact, I only picked Avatar for 4 categories, 3 of which it actually won. I have some skill, people.) Disgraceful!!!! Seriously. And many of my misses really stung because there were several categories where I waffled between two options and picked the one that didn't win. Annoying! Next year I should just close my eyes and throw darts.

Since I am typing this up during my 'official' break time, it's going to be short and sweet. Here are a few good links to tide you over in lieu of my biting commentary:

MSN Best and Worst

Television Without Pity Best and Worst

Thank you, TWoP. In their very first slide they said "...we still held out hope that there'd be one or two big upsets somewhere. And we suppose there were -- in Best Foreign Language film (El Secreto de Sus Ojos beat The White Ribbon) and Best Adapted Screenplay (Precious over the expected Up in the Air)." THANK YOU! A small slice of vindi-cay-shee-own. (That would be 'vindication' in non-King of Queens speak.) I think Maria* thought I was a wackaloon because I picked Up in the Air for Best Adapted Screenplay but I'm telling you - the thing was a lock according to every major media outlet!!! And The White Ribbon was supposed to win a couple of awards, not totally flame out! Very upsetting. Why oh why oh why do I bother to do any research at all. I am my own worst enemy.

EW.com's 16 Best Oscar Moments


* Maria was kind enough to come over and watch the Oscars with me while Robert is out of town. It's no fun shouting at stupid, ugly and/or boring people on TV alone! So it was nice to have company. :o) Plus, she thought the same stuff was boring as I did so I didn't have to sit through the boring writing categories this year (Robert!).

Oscar Ballot

I know, I know, I'm posting this uber-late this year but here you are - this year's Oscar ballot complete with (Robert's and) my winner predictions:

It IS officially Robert's ballot so he does actually get input; if I'm torn between two contenders, I let him be the deciding vote. Of course, he takes my opinion very seriously so I have a lot of influence but still... ;o) I'm not super confident about this year's pool - I don't have a good feeling about winning - but I'm also not super jazzed about the Oscars this year (see?! Turning 30 has drained the fun from my life!!) so I won't be TOO, too crushed to lose. Crushed but not too crushed.

Wish us (me) luck!!!

Funk's Rope-a-Dope

I recently bought Garfunkel a box of bully sticks from All Natural Bully Sticks (50 for $77 - a STEAL!!!!!!) and while shopping on their site, splurged and bought a large sweet potato chew, too. The Funk loves all things sweet potato so I thought this sucker would provide oodles of entertainment and nutritional snacking time. New toys and treats always burn a hole in my pocket, though, so I wound up giving Garfunkel the chew on Tuesday night.

Look at the thing! It's HUGE!!! Should last a while, right?



Well, it turns out that Garfunkel is the proverbial 'get-him-an-awesome-gift-and-he'd-rather-play-with-the-box' kind of guy - he bypassed all the sweet potato rings and went straight to gnawing on the rope knot at the end of the string.


Here he is, completely ignoring the sweet potato portions of the chew and focusing intently on unknotting and demolishing the rope.


Look at this!!! He completely de-strung the chew and ATE the entire rope!



Of course, we saved all the sweet potato rings for later use... But the original intent of the chew toy was completely lost. That was the most expensive one-night-only rope toy I've ever bought.

Today's Deep Thoughts

1.) While working on my 'sucks balls' assignment, I have been entirely dependent on listening to my iPod via headphones (when I'm at my regular desk, I listen to my iPod through iTunes and speakers). I'm pretty sure I have one of the oldest still-living iPods around - mine is a 4th generation click wheel that I got back in December 2004 - and while its glitches have been slowly increasing as time goes by, I REALLY notice how badly the battery has crapped out when I use it as a standalone unit. Seriously. The battery runs out in 3 hours or less. Ridiculous. I know there are supposedly ways to restore battery life, but that would require a complete restoration/reset of my iPod and I am soooo not willing to ferret out what music I do and don't have on my iPod from my hard drives at home. (Especially for something that may not even work!) Since I listen to my iPod almost exclusively on devices that charge it while it plays, I'll survive. Plus, I get overly attached to inanimate objects... If it still works even a little, I'm sticking with it!

2.) I have had work to do all day, every day while working my 'sucks balls' assignment and I have to say - I'd forgotten how much I like to work! That's not to say that what I'm doing couldn't be done by a retarded monkey but I very much enjoy having something do to and being productive. I like feeling like I actually accomplished something at the end of the workday. It's been a looooong time since I've had so much actual work to do at work... and it's nice.

3.) I just saw on EW.com that someone out there is planning on making a movie based on Space Invaders. Which sounds like a terrible idea. But they did link to this video which I thought was super interesting (you know how I love me some stop-motion clips!):

Hope Update

Remember the sad little gal Hope for whom PPR is trying to raise $5,000? Well, they just posted an update on her so I thought I'd pass it along. :o)

From her foster:
"She is very sweet natured and gentle, but does have a spunky, mischievous side to her... socks aren't safe! She also must imagine she's the size of a chihuahua, as she loves to climb onto your lap if you're on the floor. She relishes being petted and doted upon, and she loves everyone she meets - dogs and people alike. Her favorite toy is her squeaky squirrel.

She is great about taking her medicine - which is good b/c she has had quite a few pills to swallow several times a day. Her hind area does bother her... she has to skip every other step as she walks b/c of her hips and broken leg, so we try to go slowly and keep her as comfortable as we can. This is a challenge because she has lots of energy, and would like nothing better than to play with the other dogs in the park across the street! She has beautiful light brown eyes and a face that will melt your heart."

From PPR:
"We are slowing getting there. We have raised $3410 for sweet Hope! The vet says she is doing wonderfully, thanks to her amazing fosters Kristi and Warner. A big shout out to them! Hope is due back at the vet on the 17th of March for a check-up and x-rays in prep for her hip surgery.
Hope has put on a little weight and the vet was very pleased with that.

Hope seems well on the road to recovery and with a few more donations we will be able to cover her next surgery, we need a total of $5000! Thanks everyone!"
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There is a sad note to the story, however - the fourth puppy that wasn't doing so well passed away February 24th. Now there is only 1 puppy remaining - and it's the all black one, a boy - but he's thriving so hopefully that will continue.

On a happier note, I'm so glad so much has already been raised!!! The schmoop in me is all atwitter. :o) Hopefully, raising the remaining $1,600 will be a piece of cake...

TV Tidbits 86: NCIS

Ugh. I am so over NCIS... have I said that yet? Even DiNozzo can't pull me out of my funk! This season is just flat, flat, flat to me and I know I'm in the minority but I couldn't care less about Abby's parents, Gibbs' estranged father and/or potential feisty love interest. Just solve a case and be done with it! Oh, and try to be funny while you're at it (something you NCIS folk are not doing so well these days...) Bah!! I'm working on Robert to let the NCIS season pass go the way of SVU, Medium, The Office, Ice Road Truckers... but so far it's a no go. I'll keep at it though. From the sounds of this, I'm not getting any more interested anytime soon.

[From EW.com's Ausiello] NCIS fans are still freaking out over exec producer Shane Brennan’s cryptic tease last week that Gibbs will be forced to make a “life-changing decision” this May “that will impact every member of the team.” In fact, the tantalizing spoiler left some wondering — crazy talk alert! — if Mark Harmon’s days are numbered.

“I don’t think [that's the case] but I don’t know for sure,” Harmon told us last night prior to the PaleyFest ‘10 event honoring NCIS. “I’m still having a blast doing the show. That hasn’t changed since Day 1. I have no plans to leave. I have a contract with significant more time on it. But that may not stop the producers from getting rid of me if they think that best serves the story or the show. But I have no plans to take myself out of the game.”

Okay, well, that still leaves the question of what crisis will befall his character at season’s end and how it ties into Rena Sofer’s no-nonsense lawyer (and possible love interest for Gibbs) Margaret Hart. “Whatever [fans are] thinking, they’re wrong,” counters Harmon. “It is never the obvious [thing] on this show. As always, these writers make you think something but it is almost never what you think will happen. I think it is good to keep people guessing, especially after seven years.

“I think it is time for us to see these people away from their job and with their girlfriends or family,” he continues. “It is time to let out some of those nuggets. We’ve earned them. They come for the procedure but now we have earned the right to break off another piece of the puzzle.”

Getting back to the big May mystery, Harmon hints that although Sofer’s character plays a part, “she is not alone. Others will play a part, [too].”

Amazing Race 16: Week 3

Ugh. Well, I am right in the thick of the previously mentioned assignment that sucks balls so I haven't had a chance to read the recap yet. (In fact, I won't have a chance to do much blogging at work for the next 2 or 3 weeks! Not that I've been super prolific of late but consider this fair warning.) Therefore, let me just say this: (1) I still like the cowboys; and (2) Jeff's "We shouldn't reproduce" comment was the BEST ever and made me love his team again. He's fantastic!

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Oh, my gravy, this race just got interesting. Last week I thought Jet and Cord got lucky by landing on the fastest bus, but to run such a clean race two weeks in a row? Is this a fluke or have we met the team to beat?

And has the team to beat turned into the most likable (albeit with slightly garish belt buckles) pair of globetrotters since, well, last season's Globetrotters? They know who they are, don't have a tolerance for bitchy Brandy comments yet aren't rude to her, and damn, can Jet throw a lasso. (On the second try. That's right, buddy. You're not getting off scot-free.)

Or is the team to beat Steve and Allie? Wait, who are they again? Clearly, Berty V-M doesn't want us to know since he's shown us the absolute minimum footage possible for these two to still qualify as contestants. Let's see what we know: Steve sometimes falls. Steve sometimes aches because he's 57. Steve doesn't have a fear of lice as evidenced by his willingness to hat swap at the pit stop mat. (Did he skip grade school where teachers ban you from sharing headgear with your friends?) But other than that and despite their impressive finish (more on that later), I have no idea who these people are. I know about Jeff's plans for procreating, for crying out loud. Either Steve and Allie are the most boring team on the planet or some editor should be canned.

This week's leg basically starts with everyone leaving Chile. It was difficult to see that beautiful footage of such an exquisite country knowing about the earthquake that just happened. If you have the means, do what you can to help out for the earthquake relief. Part of loving travel — and I assume loving Amazing Race is more than watching a reality show about teams clawing, uniting, and bickering their way toward a finish line — is doing our part to ensure that our planet is not destroyed, whether by acts of nature or people. And now I'll stop preaching.

Anyway, all teams have to board one of two Argentina-bound buses that leave the following morning. Even playing field. Well, except for Caite, who misses her departure time because she's puking and shaking in the hotel bathroom. Why she and Brent, who's also under the weather but not quite bowing before the porcelain god, decide to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night is beyond me. If they knew they were sick or dehydrated, might they have opted for a 9pm visit instead of missing their departure time? Regardless, I feel for them. It can't be easy getting sick when you need all your strength and mental clarity. Plus, to abandon all vanity by letting cameras monitor you in the emergency room getting an IV! Wait. What's that? Yes, Caite is wearing multiple coats of mascara on the Chilean ER gurney. Hey, puking on national TV is one thing, while showing America your bare eyelashes is an indignity few could tolerate. In the end, they're a little more than three hours behind schedule, though hydrated and properly made-up.

But even Brent and Caite make it on one of the buses with everyone else. At the station, we witness a Brandy barb when she greets last week's winners with ''Hey! It's the enigmatic cowboys!'' She proceeds to grill them about how they got on a faster bus last week, which seems like the worst kind of sportswomanship possible. Don't question those who kicked your butt, Brandy. But she knows there's something about those two cowboy-hatted brothers. ''They've got tricks up their sleeves and their tricks have tricks.'' But do their tricks' tricks have sleeves? To Jet and Cord's credit, they chuckle and look at Brandy like she's just some silly big city woman who thinks all cowboys are morons, which, of course, is exactly what she is.

After a long and incredibly beautiful ride (''There are no mountains like this in Oklahoma,'' Jet says. You bet your belt buckle there aren't!) the teams arrived in Bariloche, Argentina, where they had to drive themselves to El Boliche Viejo, which translates to ''The Old Joint.'' (The teams seemed to know they had to take route 237, though Brent — bless his dehydrated heart — clearly thought 237 looks like 231.) From the looks of things, this joint is basically a saloon lifted out of Universal Studios, complete with scowling extras with rumpled hats. Apparently, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid hung out there when they were in South America. (In the clue picture, a Travelocity gnome is photoshopped in alongside Butch and Sundance. ''I don't remember the gnome being in the movie!'' says Jet. I'm not entirely sure he's kidding.)

At the Old Joint, teams have to win a hand of 5-card stud. I have no idea what this entails because I'm a blackjack girl. All I know is some cards get exed out, some turn green, and lots of people get gnomes and instructions to travel to Pena Gaucha.

Pena Gaucha is this week's Road Block where teams have to rope a target 18 feet away and pull the target (and accompanying clue) toward them. We found out from Cord that Brandy thinks it's unfair that the cowboys will be able to lasso something so easily. True, these two have gotten lucky two weeks in a row, with cow-milking (no kicks to the head for them!) and now lassoing. But I have a feeling they'll be plenty challenged in the weeks ahead. And again, just be gracious, Brandy. You've got your own problems to worry about — like your 5-month-old relationship which seems to be on a fast train headed toward being an Amazing Race casualty. Jet, way out in front, got the clue on the second try. ''I can't believe I missed it on the first try. I'm going to hear about that.''

Despite the claims of unfairness, Brandy's girlfriend Carol finished second with Heidi close behind. Jeff is beyond adorable trying to lasso that animal head, but not half as cute as Jordan in braids. ''I'm a city boy, not a country boy,'' he says. Jordan's take? ''He is NOT a natural cowboy.'' I can't help it. I love them. My only problem with them this week was that I didn't get to see them enough. And because Berty V-M is incapable of showing Steve or Allie for more than 3 seconds at a time, we saw Steve nail the lassoing challenge, seemingly on the first time. Did he struggle? Who knows? The cutting room floor does. Here's where things got sad. The mom/attorneys Monique and Shawne arrived and had a decent chance. But Shawne couldn't seem to work a rope. And soon enough, remaining teams Dan (''Lassoed that bitch!'' Um. That just sounds really wrong, Dan.), Brent and Caite (''I was stoked to get it on my second try. I thought maybe we got a chance here!), and the private eyes pass them.

Shawne tried to score some help from Jesus, who clearly did not want to answer her prayers when she finally hooked the horn but the rope fell away. Dear all reality show contestants past and future, [Fill in your god] does not care about how you do on reality show challenges. Love, Me. Well, at least Jesus doesn't care about how she does. He seems to like Monique because after she prayed, Shawne nailed it. Too bad by this time a slew of teams have finished or are working on that detour.

The detour had teams either searching for a bag of money, using an old-time compass for a reference, that they'll deliver to a lead bandit OR attempting to score a goal in 9 swings or fewer with a model horse that they have to drag around on a polo field.

Over on the polo field, Jet and Cord rocked the challenge, despite the fact that they were no better equipped for this than any other team. ''I can't believe that was the horse we rode,'' Jet laughed about his wooden equine. Meanwhile, Joe showed his incredibly cocky side by bragging to Heidi that his watch compass would lead them right to the bag of loot. ''The steps are if somebody doesn't have a compass,'' he chided Heidi who'd pointed out that they should follow the instructions. As soon as he said this I knew he wouldn't be finishing the challenge. Sure enough, they switched to the polo field where Joe literally fell on his face. Oh, how I loved rewinding and rewatching that.

Carol and Brandy didn't fare much better with their coordinates…i.e, getting from point A to point B in a relationship. ''I can't do anything right!'' Carol yelled. ''That's a nice temper tantrum,'' Brandy said. Okay. When they eventually changed over to the polo field, Carol told Brandy. who was hitting the ball, to ''Pretend it's my face.'' Maybe there's something wrong with basing a relationship on a mutual love of Louis Vuitton?

Jeff and Jordan would have been far ahead if they were better at reading all the specific details in the clues. ''Lead bandit!'' I yelled at my TV screen. And then because I have an irrational love for these two, I got mad at the show for not making it clear enough which bandit was lead. As Jeff explained once they finished, ''We met some guy with guns. Assumed he was the bandit. We're so stupid. We definitely shouldn't reproduce.'' Okay, so your children wouldn't be the brightest bulbs in the hardware store, but really, why does anyone need to know how to tell time with clock hands? There are more important things in life.

At the bottom of the pack were the brothers, models, undercover detectives, and moms. Dan and Jordan did okay once Jordan figured out how to hit a ball down the polo field. Dan was positively disastrous. But no one was worse than Caite who somehow only managed to hit the polo ball about 1/100 of a centimeter. Actually, upon second viewing, I believe she hit it backwards. Louie and Michael initially started looking for the loot bag but ended up arguing. Michael (who, incidentally, sounds more and more like Ray Romano every week) yelled something about ''doing police work for 23 years'' to which Louie responded, ''I never did a grid search. I just execute search warrants!'' I'm guessing Louie is more from the Chief Wiggum school of policing. Eventually they switched to the polo field where they chose navy jerseys (''Let's go blue for NYPD Blue!'' said Michael) and finished on their second try. Michael let loose a ''Sparta!'' scream for some reason. ''Poor kid from Providence never dreamed of playing polo,'' he said. Aw, that's kind of nice, but, Michael, this wasn't real polo.

In the end, only the moms were left. They started on the polo field but afraid they'd injure their backs (random ailment complaint?), they switched over to the loot/coordinates challenge. ''As long as my children know I didn't give up, that's what's important to me,'' Monique said. I'm going to miss these two. I liked their whole girl power message. I think they would have done far better if the early challenges involved more brain power than physical power.

Over on the finish line at Estancia Fortin Chacabuco, a gorgeous ranch at the foot of the Andes that I want to move into, Jet and Cord arrived first. ''Those belt buckles aren't slowing you down on the race around the world?'' Phil said. The small-talk sounded stilted and uncomfortable and I wished Phil wouldn't ad-lib. Probably best to stick to the suspense-filled ''You're team number…''

Somehow, through little skill that we've been shown, Steve and Allie were team number two. Number two! Could they be real contenders? The rest of the top five was filled out by Carol and Brandy, Joe and Heidi, and Jeff and Jordan. ''I can never read you,'' Jordan said to Phil at the finish mat. ''You scare me. I was trying to read your face. It was blank.'' He looks confused but admits that he, too, scares himself sometimes.

Dan and Jordan, Brent and Caite, and Louie and Michael rounded out the bottom three. And, of course, Monique and Shawne were eliminated with tears. Shawne told Monique she's a beautiful crier with her ''big ol' eyes'', which makes me want to cry. They were all heart, little game. And though some teams could use more heart (I'm talking to you, Joe! You too, Brandy!), too many have killer game. Do you think Jet and Cord can be beat? Should Jeff and Jordan have kids? Will Brandy and Carol make it to their one year anniversary? Discuss!

Oh, Were I a Rich Woman...

I would have a big house with a big yard full of rescued dogs. But I am not. So I do not. :o( Life? Kinda stinky at the moment.*

I would LOVE to adopt this little girl:

The Ben & Jerry puppies were rescued from the Modesto Animal Shelter. They are the cutest little pups who sort of look like pit bulls but seem too small to be full pit bull so we guessed there is some smaller breed mixed in like chihuahua or beagle. 2 of them are a light brindle in color and rest are all a warm creamy tan. Whatever they are, they are just full of love and ready to show the world how wrong the stereotypes are about their breed.

Unfortunately, I don't think Robert will go for a 2nd dog in our current abode. And somehow I think my parents would think 2 dogs is 1 too many to dog-sit everyday (seeing as they have Quigley)... ! Damn me and my government salary!

In a similar vein, here's a sad-but-will-hopefully-have-a-happy-ending story about a new PPR rescue:

Hope came to us from the Tulare County Animal Shelter on January 14th, 2010. Unbeknownst to us when we agreed to take her, she was in a dire medical state. The doctors assume she was hit by a car while a stray. To make matters worse, she got pregnant and delivered 5 babies with her severe injuries: a broken pelvis, two broken legs and a hernia. The date of birth of the puppies is estimated at around Christmas Day 2009. A good Samaritan found her and her pups and brought them all to the shelter. It is an absolute miracle that she has survived thus far, especially considering she also survived distemper as a puppy (the vets can tell this somehow).

Unfortunately, her sweet babies are not so lucky. They also came to us sick and three have died from distemper. The fourth one has just crashed and will likely be gone soon too. We were told Hope was going to die if we didn't have her hernia repaired so Pound Puppy Rescue paid almost $5500 for that surgery. She still needs one of her legs repaired (the other healed on its own and should be okay) as well as hip replacement. We hate to ask, but we really need your help because the remaining surgeries will likely cost $5000 or more. Since Hope is now a Pound Puppy Rescue dog we are dedicated to making her well. Despite all her hardship -- being homeless, severely injured and raising puppies all alone -- she is the most wonderful, sweet, loving dog you will ever meet. A true testament to how amazing dogs can be. We hope you can help. In [the first] picture you can see how crooked she was when we first got her, due to her broken pelvis, leg and hip problems.

I am a schmoop and so donated a very small amount to PPR's Hope fund. Should you feel like doing the same, you can do so at their site. (Just put 'Hope' in the memo line.) Poor baby!

* Life really isn't all that stinky... I just got an assignment at work that sucks balls and so I am majorly deflated. Thus the bleak outlook on life.