a-ha: Norwegian for Awesome

I know, I know, I know, I know - I said I was going to post more often and then promptly ditched the blog. But it's not true! I was waiting for something in particular to happen before posting next and just today it happened. And just what is this fabulous thing, you ask?! Well, a-ha updated their site with reviews and photos of the concert Robert and I saw on the 16th. I KNOW! It's almost too awesome for words.

Now, I was a barely casual fan of a-ha going into the concert; I only knew about 5 of their songs off the top of my head. But, after seeing them in concert I am officially goo goo for a-ha. Those of you that have talked to me already know that it's true. They're just so good! And soooo maligned as a One Hit Wonder!!!!!! It really frosts my cookies. In fact, just to rub salt in the wound, I happened to be watching VH1 Classic's '100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s' in the hotel room before heading out to the concert and who should appear at #3 but a-ha and "Take on Me"! The nerve!!!! Now, while part of me was at least happy that they were in the top 5 (if you're going to misrepresent the band with the OHW label they should at LEAST be one of the best ones of all time, right?) the other part of me wanted - and still wants! - some clarification on just what criteria VH1 Classic is using to determine who is a OHW. Because, as I see it, a group that has two Top 20 singles ("Take on Me" and "The Sun Always Shines on TV") as well as the privilege of performing one of the James Bond themes ("The Living Daylights." Okay, so they wrote for one of the Timothy Dalton 007 films - it's not their fault nobody liked the D-man!) is NOT a OHW. "Oh," you say, "VH1C probably is only counting songs that made it into the Top 10 on the Billboard charts." Wrong! Midnight Oil is in the list and their supposed OHW ("Beds Are Burning") only made it to #17! So just what DOES make someone a One Hit Wonder, VH1 Classics?! 'Cause I need to see some continuity here. Hmpf. Needless to say, I was all worked up before heading to the Club Nokia to see the band. And can I just point out (again) that both L.A. shows were sold out? Granted, it wasn't the world's largest venue - it seated about 2,500 - but still! Both shows! SOLD OUT! Because there are some good folk out there who appreciate severely under-appreciated and fabulous music. (Hey - it's pretty much just America that lost interest in a-ha. They're still super huge in Europe. And pretty much everywhere else [especially South America]. I know what you're thinking but no - they're not David Hasselhoff. They're popular and critically acclaimed elsewhere. Sheesh.)

(photos: a photo of the blasphemous segment on VH1C; Robert reading while I watch 4 hours of OHWs)

And it's not just me; Robert, who didn't really know any songs going into the show (except for the ones I made him listen to while driving down I5...) also agreed that it was a great show and that he was surprised at how much he now likes a-ha. I have converted him! Even though he thinks it's annoying Morten is so darn dreamy. (I think the part of the concert Robert liked best was seeing that Morten is [sadly] thinning a bit up top. It's true. Don't get me wrong - he's still hunky (he seems to get better with age, too, oddly enough) but he is losing a bit o' hair at the back. I was a wee bit bummed.) We didn't even have very good seats but with the way the venue was set-up, we still wound up with a pretty good view of the stage. I was a little disappointed with the crowd's level of participation (I was totally the dork waving and clapping and do whatever I was asked. And not just for the next eight-count, either, other loser-y audience people!) and with the fact that the band didn't do a ton to denote that it was their last-ever show in the U.S. but otherwise it was a fantastic show. They didn't even have an opening act - it's like the concert was made just for me! *sigh* I am having a-ha withdrawal. :o( Be sad for me.

If you are interested (and, really, after my rousing endorsement, how could you not be?!), HERE is the link to a bunch of other links for articles, reviews, etc., for all of a-ha's North American dates.

And here are a couple of fan videos from the show:

(Ol' Morty can still hit the high notes - whew! I'd seen some clips of the tour on YouTube and he sounded good but you never know... Back in the day, I went to an 'N Sync concert and JC Chasez could most definitely not hit his high notes. The show was one fontrum moment after another. So glad this was not the case with Morten!)

(The little montage they showed before the first encore.)

And since you can never have enough a-ha, HERE is the link to their Flickr page May 16th concert set of photos.

Robert and I heading into Club Nokia. Don't we (and by "we" I mean Robert, myself and my 4 extra chins) look excited?!

Me wearing my super cool a-ha shirt on the journey home. Robert wore his Nada Surf shirt so we looked like a matching pair... of dorks.

Bye bye, a-ha. I will miss you. But I'm glad I got to see you.

Loois

I think this is one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen. *sniff*

Help A Rescue (By Shopping!)

If you buy a pane of these adorable stamps, you'll be helping to feed a shelter animal. And your mail will never have looked better!






You can buy these silicone paw measuring spoons for just $12.95 and help 14 animals have another meal. If you're not into cooking, you can peruse The Animal Rescue Site's store and find something else that will both tickle your fancy and help shelter animals. It's a win-win!




You know you want to! I've had the stamp site bookmarked for a while to remind myself to post about it and when I saw a separate post on the measuring spoons, I took it as a sign to get off my butt and do it. You know how I loves me the puppies...

I'm Aliiiiiiiiiive!!!

Indeed I am. I know, it has been many moons since I last posted but there are two perfectly reasonable explanations for that: (1) I have been busy, busy, busy with school and my mother; and (2) when I don't spend 8 hours chained to a desk, I find that I don't wander over to my computer super often. It's not just you that I've neglected - I'm so behind in checking what's new on all of my regular sites that I'm starting to feel a little panicky! So, I decided, now that I have a few minutes of free time, to take things one at a time and see how far I get. Here we go.

• I totally blew it and failed to post the recap of the second-to-last and the final episodes of The Amazing Race. Rather than take up oodles of space with both of those, I will direct you to their links --> here's the link to the former recap, here's the link to the latter. I myself have not even read the recaps yet so I don't really have anything to offer you in the way of witty commentary. I can only say that I am most grieved the cowboys weren't able to pull it out in the end (JorDaniel were SUCH douches in the final episodes that I want to punch them in their smug little faces) but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved that Caite did not win. They would have been able to hear my brain explode in Space had she done so. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. Truly. I do.
  
• Last Monday (the 3rd) was my last day of work but I had a midterm the following day so I didn't spend a lot of time dancing for joy at my break from The Bay. (Let me pause here and thank all of you that shared your thoughts and well wishes with me on my new life direction. :o) It really was so nice to get some encouragement in my hair-brained idea.) I didn't tell any of my coworkers that I was leaving until the day that I left - mostly because it all went down so quickly but also because I just didn't want to deal with however many days of questions, questions, questions. You won't believe me but I don't actually like being the center of attention; I like to fade into the background. I was surprised to discover that a handful of my coworkers seemed mildly offended that I hadn't given them an earlier heads-up. I think they took it as a "I don't like you enough to say goodbye to you" as opposed to the "I like you just fine - I just don't want deal with the Spanish Inquisition you are bound to attack me with the moment you hear I'm leaving" it actually was. (And I wasn't wrong in assuming this would be the case; I am not exaggerating when I say that less than 60 seconds after the 'Lauren is leaving' e-mail went out, one of the counselors ran down the hall to my area to ask me what was going on. Less than a minute. I kid you not.) I did agree to a little cake-filled send-off where some people wished me well, some people expressed their envy (loudly) of my Bay break and the ones I really liked were genuinely sad to see me go. It was very strange packing up and heading out but I honestly didn't have a ton of time to dwell on it because...
• As I mentioned, I had a midterm the following day. A midterm I, of course, was ill prepared to take so spent the rest of Monday night and Tuesday morning cramming. I wound up doing just fine on the exam (I got it back Tuesday and I got an A so yay!) but I didn't really get any reprieve after it was done because a project... that I had not yet started... was due the following Tuesday (i.e. two days ago). I spent Wednesday filling out applications (for programs and internships) and Thursday doing a few pressing house chores. Friday my mom went in for shoulder surgery so I spent the day watching the dogs and Saturday I had a class at the Humane Society Silicon Valley in the afternoon. (My mom spent an unexpected extra day at the hospital on Saturday so I watched the dogs that day, too.) Sunday was Mother's Day so I, of course, spent the day with my mom, vegging on the couch and helping her out with some post-surgery tasks. Then I had Monday to finish up my project and *poof* it was Tuesday and time for class again. A week had gone by since my last day of work and I barely noticed!
  

Now it is Thursday and here I am. So there you go. I actually have a few things still on my plate that will keep me busy well into next week but I will make a concerted effort to get on the computer and update! I know I owe a few of you some e-mails, too, so I will get on those next. Thanks again for all the kind words! :o)

RuPaul's Drag Race

If you, like me, were an avid watcher of the just-ended second season of RuPaul's Drag Race then this is the post for you! Did you watch the reunion special and think "Where is the final finished video with Juju, Raven and Tyra?!" So did everyone else. Well, it's been released on Logo's site but you know I don't want to make you exert yourself and click elsewhere so I'm embedding it below. I do it for you!

Now, I was a Jujubee fan all the way but I knew even going into the finale that Tyra was probably going to win. And, as much as I did not care for Tyra's bitchy personality and mumble mouth, I have to admit that she was a very good drag queen. She always had great hair, great outfits and she really had a fantastic stage presence each and every time. She was definitely more charismatic on stage than stinky old Raven so I'm just happy Raven lost. (She, too, often had a good look but no spark to speak of. Just look at how blah she is in the video! 'What. About. Raven.' Nothin'.) EW.com sat down for a Q&A with America's Next Drag Superstar and here it is:

Last night, you watched RuPaul crown the controversial 21-year-old Orlando native Tyra Sanchez (né James Ross) as America’s Next Drag Superstar on the season finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now, we here at PopWatch are happy to present a quick chat with the queen who ruffled everyone’s feathers this season. Below, she talks about whether she’s heard from idol Beyoncé yet, how much she paid for that new grill of hers (not as much as you might expect!), and who’s she’s hoping to work with in the future.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Congrats on the big win last night! How’d you manage to keep it secret for so long?
TYRA SANCHEZ: I would just tell myself in the mirror to just talk to myself and not anyone else. No one would know.

Everyone is wondering: Have you heard from your idol Beyoncé yet?
No, not yet! Hopefully one day. Maybe I could lipsync at one of her concerts or be in a movie or video with her—that would be hot. She would be the most ultimate person I would love to hear from.

I know you were confident about winning—did you ever have doubt about it though?
Of course I had doubts. I was worried at times, but it wasn’t like I didn’t have doubts that I wouldn’t win. But more just like, because of what you did, you could end up in the bottom two, like on the wedding challenge. If I was in the bottom two then, I might have automatically been sent home.

Last night you were apologetic about how you acted on the show. Did you think your attitude might bring you down on the show?
No, I was never worried about my attitude on the show because what they show, of course, were the bad times, but there were lots of good times. They didn’t show much of my personality that was on the runway, but behind the cameras and hanging out with the girls, I had so much personality just laughing and having fun with them. And Ru saw that, so I didn’t think that held me back at all.

When Ru was talking about you during the reunion special last night, she said “that’s magic s— right there.” How did it feel to have her say that about you?
It makes me feel really good for Ru to say it. She’s like the ultimate drag queen, so for her to say that to me was a blessing.

Where was your son last night? Was he watching?
My son is only four. He has not watched the show at all. I won’t allow him to watch the show yet. I’m just taking my time with it. No time soon—not until he’s old enough. I don’t think that’s near right now. It probably won’t be until he’s like his teens. We can look back and watch them on DVD.

Between Raven and Jujubee, who did you think was your biggest competition?
Actually, this competition was with myself. Of course, Raven was good competition, but the final day, they gave us all a call together—it was a conference call—and they said, “We need you all to outdo what you did this entire season.” And it was like, Well, how do you top what you’ve already done? I’m sitting there thinking, How do I do all of that with one outfit? It was kind of crazy for me. What I actually did was put on my simplest outfit.

Your outfit was actually rather understated.
I didn’t want them to focus too much on my clothing. At that point it was all about my personality and what I was giving them.

I think, too, you won partly because you delivered week after week, in addition to looking great last night.
I think it was partly that. I was never in the bottom. Many times on was top, and many times I was right under the person who was winning. I think I was very consistent. I gave them different looks. I did different things, but I stayed true to who I was and you always saw Tyra in whatever—even the country or wedding challenge. I would do what they asked of me, but I would do it as Tyra.

The judges seemed focused on your deep voice. Is that something you’ve encountered before?
No, that’s only happened on the show. I’m a guy in a women’s dress, but my voice doesn’t change—just my look. It doesn’t bother me—my voice hasn’t changed, it’s my voice! I can’t really go any higher than this. Because, of course, straight women would say something about it, but in the drag community, they all know that this is a guy, so it doesn’t bother anyone.

How much does a new set of teeth cost these days?
Um, a lot.

Was it painful?
No, it was pretty easy—not very painful at all. It was much cheaper than if I would have had it done in the United States. In they United States, they told me it was like $28,000.

Whoa! Where did you get it done?
I went to Tijuana, Mexico, and got it done. They’re veneers, and I only spent about $3,000.

Wow, what a difference. Tyra, do you have a favorite moment from the season?
My favorite challenge was the rocker challenge. My voice was horrible, but I had so much fun. I actually felt like I was in a concert and that was how I was living and they were so loud and energetic and I felt that energy. I had an amazing time.

When you perform in the future, will you only lipsync?
It will always be lipsyncing! I don’t want to record any music. You know how some people can talk their way through songs? I find that disrespectful to the real singers who can actually sing and it’s taking away from them. That bothers me.

What was the most challenging thing about the season?
The most challenging thing was keeping your cool. It’s so stressful. You don’t have communication with the outside world, so you have to make frineds with the people who are there, and of course, friends argue all the time. That was the biggest thing—keeping my cool and remaining calm.

What’s in your future?
My main focus is to become an actor and an actress—it would be hot to be in a movie as James and Tyra. I would love to do movies, and I would love to work with Tyler Perry. I would be in the next Harry Potter or Avatar! That would be hot.

You want to be yourself, James, and Tyra Sanchez in the same movie?
It doesn’t matter—if it’s the same movie, or other movies, I would love it both.

Are you going to stick in Orlando or move somewhere else?
My goal is going to go out to Los Angeles because that’s where all the movies and auditions are. And then also in Atlanta they have new studios and they’re recording a lot of TV shows there, too, so I’m torn between the two. My main focus in Los Angeles.

Whew! I Finally Made My Decision!

Okay. I must preface this entry by saying that it will be long, it will most likely be quite ramble-y (as I am writing it in pieces over a few days) and more "Dear Diary"esque than you're used to seeing on the blog. Now, all that being said, let's dive in!

So, first and foremost is this: I have quit my job. My last day at The Bay is Monday, May 3rd. This is a decision that has been many, many, many sleepless nights over the past several weeks in the making and I think it is the right one. Still scary? Definitely! But ultimately I think it's the first step in steering things in the right direction.

What spurred this mega-life decision? Well, lots of things, actually, but the main one is that I am going back to school. "What?," you ask. "I thought you were already in school - aren't you getting an MS in Library Science at SJSU?" Ah, no. I did take 1 semester of courses toward the degree before deciding it was definitely not for me and getting out early. Why did I not publicize it on the blog? Because why on Earth would I post 'I'M A BIG FAT LOSER AND A QUITTER!' on my own blog? I've been trying to accept that maybe I'm not a loser and a quitter, maybe I'm smart because I tried something I thought I would like, decided it wasn't what I thought it would be and decided to change course before investing more time. So, let's just go with that train of thought, eh? Because, let's face it - there was a definite risk of me just staying in the program for God knows how long because I was waffling over whether things would improve or I'd like X better or whatever. (This is typically why I stay in jobs, classes, etc.) Now I know that it's not the right career for me and I won't have to look back years later and wonder what would've happened if I'd tried it. Done. Off the list.

"But Lauren," you say, "isn't it a wee bit foolish to quit a job in this economy?" Well, yes. But things just haven't been quite right for me the past few months and it's about time I take a leap of faith and get busy with trying to make me happier. I could potentially stay in the job until I find a new job but if you know me at all you know that I am the worst at motivating myself to do ANYthing unless it's do-or-die time. Besides, the program I want to start in the fall requires a prereq that is only offered in the fall and spring quarters. I could have taken it in the fall but that's when lots of things were going on in the family (health-wise) so I'm definitely glad I didn't try to tackle going to school while dealing with all that. Since this quarter is therefore the last chance I had to take the class I need, I went for it.

"Gee, but can't you go to school and keep working? I mean, it's only one class and only for 10 weeks." Yes, that's true. But extenuating circumstances meant that I did - and would - not have enough vacation time accrued to leave early every Tuesday to attend class (the class is in Los Altos and starts at 3). My boss and I talked extensively about my options and what it came down to was I could either resign and continue taking the class or drop the class, try to accrue some time and take the class next fall. Robert and I hashed over all the pros and cons of each choice and finally settled upon me keeping the class and leaving work. I haven't been happy at my job for a while; there is virtually nothing to do (my boss even admitted as much when discussing whether now would be a good time to resign) and the one thing there IS to do (answering the phones) I abhor. "Lauren! Quit being a pussy and suck it up! Lots of people don't like their jobs but too bad! It's money! And benefits!" All good points and things I have said to myself many times over. But, when it comes down to it you spend the majority of your life at work; shouldn't you do something you enjoy? If you have the ability to try and do so? The prospect of waiting another whole year to start doing something was rather disheartening so now seemed like the time.

"Hm. Well, just what is this program you're so interested in (for now, anyway - you never seem to stick with anything for very long, y'know) that's worth throwing your job away?" It's the registered vet tech program at Foothill (essentially a nursing program for animals). I had been mulling over whether or not to try out the program when I had a very unexpected and fortuitous meeting with an old high school friend, Kelli. I hadn't spoken to Kelli for 12 years but she found me on Facebook back in March and we've been chatting ever since. We even met up in person so you know I actually like her. ;o) Anyway, she's an animal keeper at Coyote Point Museum in San Mateo and was in the program at Foothill so she was (and is) a great source of information. After talking to her and thinking about all the other things going on in my life that I could spend a little time working on, I really got a bee in my bonnet to start making some changes. My ultimate goal is not necessarily to be an RVT in a clinic; I'm actually much more interested in animal rehabilitation/massage (like physical therapy). But being a licensed tech will afford many more career opportunities so a degree I will get. Will I feel doofy being a UCLA-educated woman who makes her living massaging dogs when my friends are all in real grown-up jobs? Yes. (Trust me - I already do!) But, again, I need to be okay with the fact that I'll be enjoying what I do everyday. I'm sure the doofy feeling will pass eventually.

I don't know what will ultimately transpire for me - I don't know yet if I'll be accepted into the program for fall, I'm looking into internships/apprenticeships/volunteer opportunities in the field and I may very well wind up with some variety of part-time job in the interim for some financial cushion! - but I'm cautiously optimistic that things will start to improve... however slowly. Hey, you all know how much I hate change, so even a little progress is a big step!

Will keep you posted...

For All You UCLA... Person.

And that person would be Nora (though my dad might remember this guy, too - he has a freakish memory). One of Robert's old college roommates, Matthew, got in touch with me via Facebook earlier today and it was such a nice surprise. He was an art major/part-time graffiti artist and it looks like he was able to make an actual career out of that (go figure!). His Web site isn't very expansive but he was featured on CNN back in '07 for one of his designs, which I thought was pretty darn cool.

What I like about the jacket is not so much the rigidity but the fact that it comes up far enough that I could lie back without actually having any of my hair (or head) touch anything anywhere. I would never, ever, ever sleep on any sort of public transportation, well, first because I get too car sick but second because I refuse to contaminate any exposed part of my body with whatever is all over the walls, seats, etc., of any public transportation vehicle. Ew.

Cars and Coco

Okay, so, as I predicted, I'm totally waffling on my "big life decision" so I don't have any news on that front. But! I do have a few less important updates to apprise you of so here we go:

(1) I got my stupid stinky, leaky car fixed two weekends ago and it turned out that a clogged sunroof drain was the culprit. I didn't even realize my sunroof had a drain; in fact, it has two! The clogged one caused both the leak in the ceiling and the one in the floor and it only took 3 days and $450 to fix it. Happy happy, joy joy! Here's my excited face. :-| Stupid expired warranty. Stupid money sieve Saturn. I hate you both!!!

(2) Robert and I saw Conan at the Nob Hill Masonic Center on Friday night and I took a few cell phone photos from our last row seats (we were just left of center, though, so it really wasn't so bad).

The promo screens before the show

Conan asking if we like his beard (I totally do - he looks so much better! And less red in person...)

Musical guest Chris Isaak

The inflatable "bat from hell"

The show was good. Not GREAT! but definitely good. There was less stand-up Conan than I thought there'd be - he sang a lot of songs. Humorous songs but still... it was hard to understand him over all the music so I didn't really enjoy them as much as the straight comedy. Robert was suuuuuuuuper excited that Andy Richter was there... until he discovered that he wasn't so funny on this tour. The scripted banter was kind of stilted. There were a few SF-specific bits that were pretty good. Two "commercials" for local merchants (Glass Dildo Me and the Bushman at Fisherman's Wharf) and a very funny Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bit. Conan has been featuring local musical guests on the tour (Spoon in Eugene and Eddie Vedder in Seattle) so Robert was crushed to learn that Chris Isaak was the designated local go-to for SF. He is about one click short of straight-out abhorring the man and I don't really know why. I like Chris Isaak - I don't lurv him but I like him - so I was fine with the selection. Robert was pulling for Neil Young; I can't even begin to express my happiness that Neil was not there. (Apparently, Neil was there for the first show in SF (as a regular ol' non-musical guest) so we might've just made a narrow escape!) The parking garage under the Masonic Center cost THIRTY DOLLARS to park in which just about gave Robert a heart attack and a stroke at the same time. Even I was shocked and taken aback. I mean, I expect parking in the city to be ridiculously expensive but somehow I was not prepared for $30. We were feeling a little better about our choice, though, when we were able to vacate the garage in less than 10 minutes and saw the line to pay for the cheaper garage a half-block away stretching all the way around the corner. All in all a successful evening and not a bad way to spend a Friday night.

Amazing Race 16: Week 10

The cowboys were awesome! Weehoo!!! The leg was a non-elimination leg (the third this season, which I find ridiculous - I totally agree with the recapper: why have the extra Road Block when not eliminating someone essentially renders it moot?!). Boo. Boo!

---

When the race started months back, would you ever have imagined these would be the four teams remaining? You've got your brothers who can't drive stick (Dan and Jordan), the IQ-challenged pretty people (Brent and Caite), non-spring-chicken private investigators (Louie and Michael), and a pair of not-that-worldly cowboys (Jet and Cord). Okay, maybe you knew Jet and Cord would be in it until the end because they've basically rocked the race, but the rest of them? My hat is off to these underdogs, even Caite. Of course, there's hardly room for me to be impressed by Caite being the last woman standing because she's so irritatingly proud of herself. ''I'm flipping out that I'm the last girl standing,'' she said, before repeating that phrase several different ways throughout the first 15 minutes. Yes, yes, we get it. You U-turned Carol and Brandy and now you're the last woman. Bravo for making that decision purely on emotion and not on strategy. Way to go!

Tonight, teams started off flying to Shanghai, China where they had to find Zhujiajiao, which Phil tells us is ''the Venice of China.'' Did he mean a sinking, tourist-overrun city known for baccala and artichoke ends? Nope, just that both cities have canals. Dan and Jordan continued to be adorable, Dan declaring that ''I hate him just as much now as I did before,'' before Jordan replied, ''I love him a little bit more than I did before.'' I want to be their mother so I can be consumed with pride about how my boys are acting on national television. I like to imagine her bragging about her ''boys on that reality show'' who will ''ride those motorcycles they won over my dead body'' at Sabbath services in some synagogue in Long Island. We also learned Jet has a wife and 17-month old girl (um, doesn't he look 20 at max?) and Cord got engaged right before leaving for the race. Either he thought $1 million would help pay for the wedding or he thought he needed to put a ring on it because he didn't trust his lady to be alone for that long.

At the airport, Michael's thrilled at his protégés Brent and Caite, who followed his U-turn plan. They're his wolf cubs! Curious alliance, those four. Jordan, ever the wise commentator of the season, seemed to know the decision not to U-turn the consistently strong cowboys was idiotic. ''We're all going to look back and question that decision.''

Once in Zhujiajiao, the teams hit their first road block, to ''master the complex art of making noodles by hand.'' Perhaps it was the jet lag, but Brent commented on the city on canals, ''I feel like I'm in Sicily.'' Oh, who are we kidding? That wasn't jet lag. Of course, Cord wasn't any better when he questioned Jet's comment that the city was tranquil. ''Tranquil! What is that?'' Cord laughed, seemingly astonished that his brother who would use a seventh-grade spelling bee word. Oh my gravy. Anyway, the challenge was to turn a mound of dough into one kilo of noodles. When the teams completed the road block, Ping Ping, the world's smallest man (with the world's biggest cigarette habit) would give them their next clue.

And just when I was getting over the Sicily and ''tranquil'' comments, Caite and Jet jumped in with their offensive Ping Ping commentary. ''Wow! He was so adorable!'' Caite said, before saying hi to him like he was a newborn puppy and not an adult man. ''Can I take him home with me?'' Yes, Caite. I'm sure he would love that. (Secretly, I wish she would have. I would love to see Ping Ping chain smoking his way through her pageant parephenalia-filled house.) Jet wasn't any better when he said, ''If he jumped out of your trash can it would scare you to death.'' So, instead of being a little puppy, he's a raccoon? Didn't they get any sensitivity training before representing America around the world?

Jet made quick time with the noodles (Jordan commented that he's ''magical with his hands'' which made me question what's been going on during these rest stops...), and Louie channeled his Italian grandma as he twirled and flipped that dough into submission. After Jet, Caite finished a strong second, and Louie third. Only Jordan and his seemingly unmagical hands were left. ''I love you so much,'' Dan said, giving his frustrated brother a hug of encouragement. (Oy! I love these boychicks!) And soon enough, they were off too.

The next stop seemed to be pretty easy, as long as you weren't Louie and Michael trying to find the door to the fashion house that was about six inches away from the clue box. Teams had to dress a model in the clothes shown in a sketch. It's downright amazing that Jet and Cord finished this challenge, with that fascinating lack of skills differentiating boots and tights or the colors lavender and magenta. ''Do you need my tiara to help you?'' Caite said to no one in particular. Not that I should judge the power of the tiara; she got her model in the right outfit on the first try. Once Michael found the door, he unleashed his own stereotypical comment about Jordan with, ''Being the gay male that he was, he loved it. He was right in there shopping.'' Yes, Michael, all gay men love shopping. Must've been really easy to find gay perpetrators when you were on the job — just find the nearest Barney's!

Going into the final challenge (another road block! Tricky, tricky Phil!) at the Hongkou Stadium, where teams had to assemble a puzzle and then give it to people in the stands, it was cowboys, models, detectives, and then brothers. I was bracing for a last place finish for my boys. Now, normally I think teams should have to deal with whatever elements befall them, but asking them to put a puzzle together (apparently made of light paper that blows with the slightest movement of air) on an ultra-windy day seemed unnecessarily cruel. Wasn't there an indoor auditorium they could have relocated to? Cord and Brent certainly would have appreciated it since their pieces went flying the most. Of course, I did get a perverse pleasure out of watching Brent look like he was about to have a temper tantrum when his puzzle went blowin' in the wind. ''STOP!'' he yelled to the wind. Brilliant. (Incidentally, nothing on the entire season was more disturbing that the person in the stands with a face mask that had a picture of a tongue sticking out.)

Apparently, Dan and Jordan's dad unknowingly prepared them for this challenge years ago when he taught them to do the corners of puzzles and then fill in the middle, a good tip that allowed these two to pass Louie and Michael. Michael, on the other hand, seemed utterly confused by the task. ''Can we get some shooting? Kick a door in? Chase a crackhead?'' he said of the puzzle. That's for next season: Amazing Race: Alcatraz.

Now, by this time I had a realization. Two episodes left after this one. Four teams. Three teams race in the finale. So I knew it wasn't going to be an elimination leg, which made me feel a teeny bit annoyed because it seems like the extra tasks the last place teams have to do never amount to anything significant. If a team was to be eliminated, I was quite happy with Louie and Michael going home. Not because I've hated the big lugs, but I've liked watching the other teams (yes, even you, Brent and Caite) more. So, we had a predictable first place finish for Jet and Cord, a strong second for Brent and Caite, an impressive third for Dan and Jordan, and a last place spot for Louie and Michael. ''I'm sorry to tell you, you are out…out in the cold!'' that sneaky little Phil told them. No matter what the time zone, Phil still brings his funny.

Are you happy it was a non-elimination leg? Who do you want to see in the final three?

Scott Baio Ruins Everything

Woo boy. I actually enjoyed VH1's Scott Baio series (both when he was 45 and 46) but this is crazy. Ka-ray-zee, I tell you. Apparently, Mr. Baio's been involved in a war with one of my old favorite gossip blogs, Jezebel, and I didn't even know it! If you have many, many minutes to kill and would enjoy a good chuckle (the best is toward the end), read on!

Scott Baio's Online Meltdown: A Complete Timeline

Scott Baio has had some issues of late. He's mad. Mad at liberals, mad at uninformed fans, and really mad at the Internet. Crazy mad. But a recent history of Baio's insanity reveals that his fall was all but inevitable.

The warning signs were everywhere, be it according to the all-too-common fate of fallen stars, or Baio's uncomfortable reality show. But his Internet meltdown started gaining momentum on October 27, 2009. This was when we first took note of Scott Baio's interesting Twitter contributions. Granted, back in these early days, Scott was less of an angry guy and more the type to remind pro-choicers to be kind to their mothers.

Harmless! But by October 30, Baio's gentle reminders quickly morphed into incoherent anger.

Baio had calmed down on November 9, choosing instead to redirect his energies towards his speciality: international border control.

But international issues could only hold Scott's attention for so long. A pop-culture icon himself, he turned his attentions on November 23 to Lady Gaga, of whom he is not a fan.

Scott Baio, however, is not just a man of rage, and he had moments of sensitivity. Take, for instance, his December 21 response to the death of Brittany Murphy.

In January, however, Baio marked the new year by a return to his natural state: Not Awesome. He tweeted this picture of Michelle Obama with some intelligent commentary:

Shortly thereafter, on January 20, Baio — under fire for being, you know, totally cruel — explained himself: His (wife's) best friend is black!

He also posted a helpful picture, in case the haters didn't believe him.

The next day (January 21), Baio continued to go on the defensive — while also noting that it was everyone else's fault for getting upset about his comments.

See what he did there? He's like the Sun-Tzu of Twitter.

Then things were quiet (relatively speaking) for a few months. We decided to look away: move along, people, nothing to see here. That is, until April 7th, when Baio got very upset at the Twitterverse for not realizing that he's more than an 80s acting legend — he's a director. In fact, he directed 41 episodes of Charles in Charge. Show the man some respect.

Baio doesn't have time to note the irony here, as he's NOT DONE SPEAKING YET JUST LET HIM FINISH.

Actually, he's not mad, y'all. Hug it out.

But Baio, by now a true master of all 140 characters, couldn't go a week without raging on his keyboard. On April 12, he stuck it to the tax man — and all you lazy, poor people.

This is when things really blew up. We noted his comment, and he was not having it. On April 15, he waged war.

Then he dropped the race card.

And the prayer card.

From there, it was only a matter of hours until the Twitter hashtag #scottbaioruinseverything caught on, attacking Baio on his own turf. There was also an update to his Wikipedia page.

(Click to enlarge.)

On April 16, Baio — mad as hell and not going to take it anymore — reminded us ladies that "the broom and the dustpan are in the closet." He did this in Italian, because why not?

Then, this past weekend, Scott's wife Renee joined the party on Facebook, coming to her husband's defense by dropping some poignant homophobia:

Yesterday, April 19, we posted Renee's contribution — and she responded in kind, resorting to a defensive tactic similar to that preferred by her husband:

That same day, the website Scott Baio Ruins Everything was born. Baio also entered the the Urban Dictionary canon.

Meanwhile, Renee was getting all First Amendment on us, claiming that Jezebel wasn't allowing comments from anyone who defended her husband.

Mr. Holder, if you're reading (and we're sure you are, as you totally have time for this stuff), please note: This is untrue. There are no unapproved comments in our system pertaining to this matter.

Since then, ABC News has picked up on Baio's "bizarre blog war" (and indeed it is!); the Huffington Post is also covering the "anti-lesbian rant", as is Newser and E!.

Renee, for her part, is responding to Facebook messages with threats to our publisher.

(Click to enlarge.)

Meanwhile, Scott's blocked a good handful of the Jezebel staff from his Twitter feed, but he's still got thoughts that he wants to share. Like, what's the deal with Canadian currency? It's so funny and weird!

Also, he'll get his revenge yet.

That is, if his anal irritation doesn't get in the way first.

For Jezebel's complete coverage of All Things Baio, go here.