Amazing Race 16: Week 2

As we roll through a fairly tame week 2, here are a few thoughts:

- Just like the recapper, Robert had a hard time with the cowboys wanting to shower cap their hats. He was stuck on it for most of the episode.

- Jordan really IS too stupid to live and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I like Jeff but I can already tell that is sooooo not going to be enough for me to root for this team!

- The cowboys are definitely growing on me. They're just so chipper! So far, they're the only team I'm sorta-kinda rooting for. (I was not as offended as the recapper at the homosexual joke/slight... in fact, I didn't really even pay close enough attention to notice it. Sorry, recapper!)

- I was shocked that all the teams knew what a baker's dozen was! I thought for sure that would trip at least one team up. Dang! If Jordan had been forced to do it, she definitely would've gotten stuck. Boo.

---

A lot of things happened this episode — new alliances, kicks in the head, a near-striptease, llama whispering — but before we get started on all that, I'm going to have to address the over-arching theme of tonight's episode: head gear. Maybe it was an acute case of Southern Hemisphere Eye, but there were quite the curious choices. Caite wore a silver glitter headband that seemed to be lifted right out of Olivia Newton John's Let's Get Physical video, Jeff wore a cream-colored thing that looked like a clearance rack head stocking, and Jet and Cord found plastic to cover their cowboy hats which, frankly, seemed a little prima-donna-ish if you're cowboy. Aren't cowboys all about wearing their hats no matter what's going on outside? Since when does a little water dampen the cowboy spirit? Oh my gravy.

Now that we've gotten the sartorial segment of tonight's recap out of the way... Phil and his purple shirt kick off the episode explaining yet again how the teams are leaving the ''San Francisco of Chile'' for another leg. This leg requires a bus back to Santiago, another bus to drive the 575-mile journey to Puerto Varas, a car ride to a lake, a boat ride to Isla Margarita, and then a detour.

Jeff and Jordan, so clean in their racing in leg one, immediately start off weak. ''Bus? Bus? Bus take us there?'' Jordan says to the taxi driver, attempting to speak her native tongue. Oh, hush. I mock because I love. It's impossible not to root for these two (''Barbie and Ken,'' as Team Sappho calls them). He tells jokes she pretends to get, she asks him to carry her backpack, she hurries him along and then walks while he runs, she interrupts him when he's being all cute and mushy about how they're growing as a couple.

Back to the buses. Team Sappho decides to work with Joe and Heidi, who will from now on be called Team Gosselin because I can't stop thinking Joe is Jon Gosselin. I'm kind of surprised about that instant alliance because I really like Carol and Brandy and had an instant aversion to Joe. Heidi I'm neutral on, but she loses points for marrying and procreating with that buffoon. ''They're strong. We're strong,'' Brandy said. How about ''He shows misogynistic tendencies and we love women?'' Nonetheless, the teams pair up and play unfair line cutsies to score tickets. ''You can't be holding spots!'' Michael says, though of course they can be holding spots and they do.

Of course, it's IN YOUR FACE JOE when Jet and Cord bypass the traditional direct route by finding a bus that travels through Temuco and lands them in first place. Not that anyone saw that coming. ''I wouldn't be surprised if they're not around much longer,'' Dan says of Jet and Cord. At that point I was pretty sure Dan and Jordan were gone because Berty V-M likes to do the fake-out where one team predicts another's demise only to implode themselves.

Indeed, the cowboys shine this entire episode. Some of it is just luck (C'mon. Cow milking? How lucky can a cowboy get?) but they definitely show a competitive side — if also a giddy mean streak — when they don't tell Brent and Caite and Jeff and Jordan that their bus departs from another terminal. After managing to miss two buses in a row, I wonder whether Brent regrets his previous statement about Jeff and Jordan that ''They seem like smart people. They seem more like us.'' With the cowboys first, Sappho/Gosselin second, and other teams trailing, everyone is on their way.

The one truly disturbing moment of the episode for me came when Jet and Cord were on the boat going to Isla Margarita. They were gabbing about how they didn't bring swimsuits and Cord says ''I've been skinny dipping once or twice'' at which point Jet scoots away from him as if his partner were a leper. I have lost all patience for this kind of jokey homophobia. What's wrong Jet? Would swimming with a naked guy make you gay? If you really think that or feel you need to make that ''joke'' you have bigger problems than a plastic bag on your cowboy hat. And Berty V-M, let's nix the homophobic jokes in editing, shall we? I'm sure there were other lines that could have made it in the episode. There must have been at least 14 other ''Oh my gravy'' moments that could have made it in!

Once at the detour, teams had to choose between ''Llama Adoration'' (throwing a blanket and scarf on the animal) and ''Condor Consternation'' (dressing up like a bird, trying to fly into water). Neither of these challenges seemed all that challenging or worthwhile. Jet, the self-described ''Llama whisperer,'' flew through the challenge. Team Sappho and the Gosselins had a more difficult time, but made it through. I'm always tickled when Joe (I literally just had to look at the Amazing Race website to recall his name because he's so Jon Gosselin to me) thinks he can complete a challenge in two seconds, only to be proven, yet again, that he's not nearly as awesome as he thinks he is. Those who attempted the condor challenge didn't as much soar to the cluebox in the water as much as splat to the cluebox. It didn't seem to bother Brent and Caite or Jeff and Jordan much, though.

Now, at this point you're probably thinking that most teams as close behind. But, you'd be wrong. As the first 5 teams finish this task, granny Jody and Shannon are just getting off the bus. ''My imagery is high. My hopes are high,'' says Jody, making absolutely no sense. I want so badly to like this old triathlete but when she talks about high imagery and sings ''La Cucaracha'' to the llamas, she makes it so difficult. (Of course, after she gets kicked in the head by a cow I feel incredibly guilty for not liking her so then I vow to like her. And let's just say that luckily, I won't need to have that inner battle next week.)

Equally pathetic are brothers Dan and Jordan who, after predicting that the cowboys will implode, revealed their Acchiles heel: the standard car. Here's the thing, Amazing Race contestants past and future: Most rental cars in the world are standard because only Americans seem to be wussy enough to not be able to handle using both feet while driving. Along with perhaps being able to jog for at least 10 yards without passing out (I'm talking to you Jordan), you should probably know how to use a stick shift if you're going to do this show. It's really just takes an hour of your time in a supermarket parking lot to master the skill. For some inexplicable reason, Dan and Jordan didn't bother and they ended up making every mechanic viewer in the country weep in pain as they screeched their way through switching gears. (Of course, I loved their SAT verbal conversation about the ''fallacy'' that Dan would drive almost as much as I loved Jordan's llama ring jacket striptease. Jordan: ''You used that word fallacy the other day.'' Dan: ''Jordan, I don't know that word.'' Jordan: ''That's probably true.'')

Anyhow, the next move for the teams that weren't horrible drivers (Dan and Jordan), sign-avoiders (Louie and Michael, whose one standout moment last night was not turning at a clearly marked sign), or completely lame (Jody and Shannon) was a road block where they were told to gather the ingredients for ''kuchen,'' a pastry.

Cord milks those cows in no time and has no problem figuring out that a baker's dozen is 13 eggs, not 12. In fact, no one seems to have a problem with that. How is that possible? As soon as I hear the clue, I imagine poor Caite going back and forth and counting 12 eggs over and over, having 45 tantrums because she can't figure out what went wrong. Either everyone's smarter than I think... or Caite didn't do the challenge.

A lot of fancy blurring went on when it comes to the cows. Are we not capable of watching a big pile of cow crap at 8 pm? The line of the night goes to Jordan, who, after witnessing a certain cow colon evacuation, exclaims: ''Oh my god, Betsy. Had you done that while I was milking you we would not be friends.''

In the end, there are few surprises about who made it to the finish line at Gruta de la Virgen (where Phil, a Chilean, and a poor sheep who can't have been happy are standing). ''You might need another buckle for your belt because you're team number 1,'' Phil awkwardly tells the cowboys, who win a pair of sailboats.

And, of course, dear Jody and her favorite granddaughter Shannon got the boot. ''I'll go anywhere with you,'' Jody sweetly told Shannon. See? I still like her!

The only thing that surprised me was the near-omission of certain teams from the editing of this episode. Attorney moms Monique and Shawne, who could be real contenders, were virtually ignored yet managed to finish 5th, even before Jeff and Jordan. But the most flagrant editing diss had to be to Steve and Allie. Did they even get four seconds of screen time tonight? Is that perhaps because they're not long for this race? Could the Gosselin/Sappho alliance be tough to beat? Are you worried about Jeff and Jordan falling so far behind? Would you ever wear Caite's silver headband?

Hot Men Alert: Ewan McGregor in Out

Oh, Hot Men... it's been so long since I've posted anything about you. Where have you been? And why have you been gone so long? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that a good way to perk-up this long and dreary week is a healthy dose of Ewan! :o)

First, a few photos of Ewan at the Berlin Film Festival promoting The Ghost Writer.






Next, an interview with Ewan in Out magazine:

Sydney, Ewan McGregor’s sand-colored poodle mutt, is pooping on a well-kempt lawn in Los Angeles. He eyes the horizon, birds chirp, and McGregor readies the bag. Suddenly, a black Kerry terrier appears, held by a peroxide septuagenarian wearing a too-loose vintage Brentwood marathon T-shirt and too-tight spandex shorts. Sydney, torn by two competing passions, seems unable to decide whether to lunge immediately or finish his business. His eyes dart back and forth. Then, in a beige flash, Sydney makes up his mind, leaving the poop half in and half out. Moments later, sheepishly, tenderly, McGregor tidies Sydney up with a napkin cadged from Le Pain Quotidien. “Ah,” he murmurs quietly, “my wee man, Syd.” The tone of the day is set.

An hour later, the three of us are sitting on a picnic bench atop Inspiration Point at the summit of Will Rogers Park in Pacific Palisades. Well, two of us are sitting. McGregor’s lying on the bench, face up, bum westerly, legs spread in the air, illustrating an early professional mishap of onstage nudity. The incident in question involved one inopportunely placed vase full of water, two spills (the vase’s and, shortly thereafter, his), a racy Joe Orton farce, and a front row of British pensioners, alarmed and titillated by the fast-approaching naked rear end of the then 21-year-old Scot. “So I’m sliding toward the front row of the audience like this,” he says, “butt naked, and thinking, What of the front row? They just got my bumhole coming straight at them.” For those unlucky enough not to have been there, McGregor hasn’t been shy since.

There are two things my mother knows about Ewan McGregor: He wrote Atonement, and he loves dropping his trousers. One out of two ain’t bad. “I always try not to limit myself in all respects,” explains McGregor in a Scots brogue softened by years in London and, more recently, in Los Angeles, where he lives with his wife, Eve, and three daughters. “Sexuality is just one of them. I could understand saying ‘I would never do gratuitous nudity.’ Wait. No. I probably would. I’d probably be quite happy to.” In fact, as my mother correctly remembers, he has. Since his first full-frontal exposure -- during a rehearsal for a play about the Holocaust at Guildhall School of Music and Drama -- hardly a year has gone by without McGregor’s privates being committed to celluloid. “I remember getting a kind of rush out of that first time, a slight feeling of power about it, you know?” recalls McGregor. His butt, since its magnificent sliding debut in What the Butler Saw, has been seen by millions and his penis has appeared on-screen so often -- in Trainspotting, in The Pillow Book, in Velvet Goldmine -- it deserves its own Oscar nod.

The far-flung legend of McGregor’s penis, casting its long shadow over the Hollywood Hills -- though accurate -- distracts from a quietly courageous and wildly varied acting career. He’s not just some one-trick cock-flashing pony. That the long-delayed and finally upon us I Love You Phillip Morris -- a very good, very, very gay film slated for release in March -- isn’t an aberration but one of McGregor’s more mainstream films testifies to his unusual oeuvre. Like many of McGregor’s choices, I Love You Phillip Morris is an uneasy film. Based on a true story (and a 2003 book by Steve McVicker) the movie follows Steven Russell, played by Jim Carrey, a charming con man and an incorrigible escape artist. In 1995, during a stint in the Harris County Jail in Houston, Russell meets Phillip Morris -- played by McGregor as a blond Southern belle of a man -- in the jail’s library. Morris was reaching for a copy of The Federal Reporter on a high shelf. Their eyes met, sparks arced, Russell came on hard, and Morris, happy as a cat, purred and arched into the hand that pet him.

Had what follows not been exhaustively cataloged by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, it could easily be dismissed as fantastic prison pulp: Russell goes to prison (Theft, Case No. 618544), Russell and Morris fall in love. Russell escapes prison (Escape, Case No. 727973), finds Morris, the two live lavishly. Russell goes to prison (Aggravated Theft, Case No. 723526). Russell escapes prison, finds Morris, the two live lavishly. Russell goes to prison, escapes prison, finds Morris, the two live lavishly until Russell gets caught and goes to prison for good (Escape, Case No. 9,856-C). Russell -- Inmate No. 00760259 -- has a maximum sentence that would keep him imprisoned until July 12, 2140 -- 47,595 days after the film opens.

Despite the fact that it stars perhaps the most bankable star in Hollywood -- the worldwide gross of Carrey’s movies is more than $4 billion dollars -- and, opposite him, its most talented, I Love You Phillip Morris, has languished undistributed domestically for more than a year, even after a strong showing at its Sundance debut in 2009. “At Sundance everyone assumed it would be snapped up,” says McGregor, “but it wasn’t.” Perhaps one reason is that the central character is an unlovable (or uneasily loved) sociopathic scammer. But a more likely reason is that in cells, on bunks, on boats, before sunsets, after sunsets, on divans, over ottomans, without panning away or dissolving to white, the two men kiss, fondle, fuck, blow, suck, hold hands, dance, murmur, and eye. In short, they act like lovers do, and, because both Morris and Russell are openly gay men and their gayness seems not to trouble them in the slightest, this is a dicey commercial proposition. “There was talk,” says McGregor, “that Disney fended off the release until after A Christmas Carol came out. They didn’t want kids thinking [Carrey’s] Ebenezer Scrooge was a bender.”

When it appears on American screens, I Love You Phillip Morris will be, to some extent, down-gayed. (Or perhaps it’s ungayed, degayed, or less-gayed.) As part of a bid to find U.S. distribution, the film has been recut, leaving out some of the gayest moments. After a rather touching episode of Florida Key fellatio, for example, Morris spits over the side of the boat into the Atlantic Ocean. “There were two alternatives,” explains McGregor. “There was the spit, and there was a really nice slow swallow, where I look at him and just do a loud swallow. I really like that one, but I guess they went for the more obvious spit over the side.”

Nevertheless, I Love You Phillip Morris is loudly and insistently gay. Carrey, as Russell, sees dicks in everything: clouds, baguettes, himself. At one point, he yells, Scrooge-like, “I’m gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.” But Carrey playing gay is 80% Jim Carrey and 20% the character. In McGregor’s slightly coquettish Morris, however, there are only trace elements of Ewan McGregor. In his place, there’s a sly character, part wolf, part sheep, and wholly formed.

“I’m very keen that it’s a gay movie,” McGregor insists. “There was quite a lot of talk at Sundance that ‘Well, it’s not a gay movie. It’s a film about guys who happen to be gay.’ And I was thinking, it’s nothing but a gay movie. It’s about a gay couple, about a man’s sexuality, and he comes out. It’s not the point of the film, but let’s not pretend it’s not a gay film.”

Though I Love You Phillip Morris may be some sort of Rubicon for Carrey, McGregor has kissed boys his entire career. “The first bisexual character I played was in [1996’s] The Pillow Book. There’s tons of sex in that film. We didn’t even bother putting clothes on between scenes. I had quite a full-on sex scene with a 75-year-old Japanese guy,” he recalls. “We’re kissing, and I remember going, He’s got a mustache and that’s kind of weird. Oh! That’s definitely a scrotum. That’s odd.”

Though his silver daddy moment was somewhat lost in the Trainspotting scrum, McGregor’s next movie, Todd Haynes’s Velvet Goldmine, wherein he plays a barely disguised Iggy Pop to Jonathan Rhys Meyers’s epicene “David Bowie,” brought his propensity, willingness, and talent for kissing men to a wider audience and, in so doing, provided the raw footage for a fantasy reel of dreamy leading men locking lips. In fact, upon reflection, theirs might be about the most satisfying gay kiss ever committed to film. It’s got all you need: gold lamé, an Oscar Wilde quote (“The curve of your lips rewrite history”), the deceptive vulnerability of McGregor with his wide grin, the cruel-seeming beauty of Meyers. Oh, and eye shadow -- dark, glam pools of it. “I remember when I kissed Johnny,” says McGregor. “It was just a rush at the end of the day. It was just an electrical moment, because you look around and some of the British electrician guys -- who are all mainly closeted homosexuals, I think -- were sitting around going ‘Fuck, no.’ But I like kissing boys on screen. As a straight guy, it’s quite an interesting proposition. Anything on a film set that takes you by surprise like that, that gets your blood up, is good.”

Judging from his career, lots of things seem to get McGregor’s blood up. The actor is less guided by the usual Hollywood obsession -- the bottom line -- than by a healthy full-blooded sense of adventure. (In fact, as of 2008, he’s the official face of Adventure, a cologne by Davidoff.) Twice, McGregor has circumnavigated the globe on a motorcycle with his friend Charley Boorman, the first time latitudinally, the second time longitudinally. (The trips formed the basis of two television shows, Long Way Round and Long Way Down.) His roles are those of an inquisitive mind, hungry to feel more and also feel different, not necessarily those of an acquisitive one. And thus, his career is less a direct path to the A-list than a meandering peregrination, beset by low-grossing spurs and indie digressions. But what Hollywood might see as dead ends, McGregor considers his best work. “When it gets to the top end, they’re really reluctant to step out of any box, which is why the movies become very bland,” he confesses. “When people come up to talk about a movie like Velvet Goldmine, it’s much more interesting than talking about, for instance, Angels & Demons.”

So, though McGregor fought in the Battle of Naboo, he’s also jerked off as James Joyce (in Star Wars episodes 1 through 3 and Nora, respectively). He’s been a song and dance man in the strange Down With Love and the stellar Moulin Rouge and an action figure in Black Hawk Down. But in lesser known movies like Young Adam, Stay, The Pillow Book, Phillip Morris, and in the forthcoming movie Beginners, by indie auteur Mike Mills, McGregor gives breath and depth to characters rarely written and even more rarely lifted from the page into a body. “I’m always interested in playing different people, in different situations,” he says, sitting bolt upright, suddenly serious and eyeing the Pacific Ocean stretching below us. “It doesn’t matter to me whether someone is in love with a man or a woman. I find the idea of love and romance interesting. I’m a sucker for it. I like playing someone who’s falling in love because I like the sensation of it.” He pauses to give Syd an affectionate pat. “People do extraordinary things when they’re falling in love.”

I Love You Phillip Morris opens on April 23.

---
(I wrote about ILYPM back in April '08 and again that August so when they say the film has been languishing on the shelf for a long while, they're not exaggerating. Will I see it in the theater? That's a tough one; Robert is usually very supportive and indulgent of my hot men movie proclivities but I think this one is going to be a hard sell...)

Layoffs at The Bay

I have to attend a second meeting later this afternoon to discuss the layoffs but it looks like I've narrowly escaped the chopping block on the first round. All notices were received by 10:30 this morning and only 1 person in Financial Aid got one. (Admissions and Records were hit pretty hard.) It's all seniority-based so we will have bumping and all that going on; as such, I'm not sure when the second round of layoffs will start. I do know that the 1 person in Financial Aid that got a notice has only 9 months less time in her position/classification as I do in mine (we are both ASA IIs) so things aren't looking too hot for me come Round 2. We shall see...

TV Tidbits 85 - Renewal Scorecard

Here's Ausiello's current handy dandy renewal scorecard; now you can check the likelihood of renewal for your favorite shows. It's likely to change, though, so click here to check for updates.

ABC
The Bachelor: A sure thing.
Better Off Ted: A long shot.
Brothers & Sisters: A sure thing.
Castle: A sure thing.
Cougar Town: Already renewed.
Dancing with the Stars: A sure thing.
The Deep End: A long shot.
Desperate Housewives: A sure thing.
FlashForward: Could go either way.
The Forgotten: A long shot.
Grey’s Anatomy: A sure thing.
Hank: Already canceled.
Lost: Series finale airs May 23.
The Middle: Already renewed
Modern Family: Already renewed
Private Practice: A sure thing.
Scrubs: A long shot.
Ugly Betty: Already canceled. Series finale airs April 14.
V: Could go either way.

CBS
Accidentally on Purpose: Could go either way.
The Amazing Race: Already renewed.
The Big Bang Theory: Already renewed.
Cold Case: A long shot.
Criminal Minds: A sure thing.
CSI: A sure thing.
CSI: Miami: A sure thing.
CSI: NY: A safe bet.
Gary Unmarried: A safe bet.
Ghost Whisperer: A safe bet.
The Good Wife: Already renewed.
How I Met Your Mother: Already renewed
Medium: Could go either way
The Mentalist: A sure thing.
NCIS: A sure thing
NCIS: Los Angeles: Already renewed.
New Adventures of Old Christine: Could go either way.
Numb3rs: A long shot.
Rules of Engagement: Could go either way.
Survivor: Already renewed.
Three Rivers: Already canceled.
Two and a Half Men: Already renewed.

FOX
24: Could go either way.
Brothers: A long shot.
American Dad: Already renewed.
American Idol: A sure thing.
Bones: Already renewed.
The Cleveland Show: Already renewed.
Dollhouse: Already canceled.
Family Guy: A sure thing.
Fringe: A safe bet.
Glee: Already renewed.
House: A sure thing.
Human Target: Could go either way.
Lie to Me: A safe bet.
Past Life: A long shot.
The Simpsons: A sure thing.
‘Til Death: Could go either way.

NBC
30 Rock: A sure thing.
The Biggest Loser: A sure thing.
Celebrity Apprentice: A safe bet.
Chuck: A safe bet.
Community: A sure thing.
Friday Night Lights: Already renewed for fifth and final season.
Heroes: Could go either way.
Law & Order: Already renewed.
Law & Order: CI: Could go either way.
Law & Order: SVU: A sure thing.
Mercy: Could go either way.
The Office: A sure thing.
Parks and Recreation: Already renewed
Trauma: A long shot.

THE CW
90210: A sure thing.
America’s Next Top Model: A sure thing.
Gossip Girl: A sure thing.
Life Unexpected: Could go either way.
Melrose Place: A long shot.
One Tree Hill: Could go either way.
Smallville: A sure thing.
Supernatural: A sure thing.
The Vampire Diaries: A sure thing.

Amazing Race 16: Week 1

Wow! I usually hate the first episode of any reality show with a passion - I hate having to get to know people and I'm not interested in the show until I'm emotionally invested in hating or rooting for someone and that doesn't happen until several episodes in! - but last night's episode of Race was actually pretty good. Most of the teams were annoying and/or did something stupid enough to warrant a gut reaction on my part and I thoroughly enjoyed the father/daughter house painting error. :o) So far, I'm still not sure who I'm rooting for, but I know I'm rooting against the "Mompreneurs" (because that is too, too cutesy, gaggy, ick) and Joe and Heidi (because I know he'll irritate me at some point in the future, seeing as he's already essentially made it known he's a blowhard). I would very much like to root against Jordan and Jeff because she is SO stupid and her voice is INCREDIBLY annoying... but Jeff actually seems like a nice guy so far. Nice enough, in fact, that he's keeping his team of my crap list. So far. I am also, for highly superficial reasons, tempted to root against Brandy and Carol (because Brandy looks like a skeleton - look at her nose!) and the two police detectives (because they call each other 'Baby' way too much and for some reason they just seem sort of dim to me, I don't know). I'm looking forward to determining whether the cowboys are so doofy they're cute or so doofy they make me want to rip my arm off and throw it at them...

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Welcome back for another season, Amazing Race fans! After last year's less-than-stellar Race, Bertram van Munster and his gang of less-awesomely-named producers are finally back in the groove with plenty of great casting...and Joe and Heidi. Plus, they managed to pack this first episode with important lessons for us viewers. For example, black people get better directions from black people! Who knew, Monique and Shawne? Also: Willing a technical glitch on a massive piece of equipment can sometimes cause it to break down. Thanks for showing us how it's done, Brandy! And there's always the ol' rule about how the best way to remind yourself to actually follow instructions on a show all about following instructions is to write ''details'' on your arm. Too bad you didn't heed your own wisdom, Brent and of-course-you-spell-your-name-that-way Caite!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's rewind back to Los Angeles where Phil Keoghan kicked off the 16th Amazing Race by telling teams they'd have to find their way to LAX via (pause for dramatic music) public transportation. ''Here in Los Angeles that can be a major challenge,'' Phil tells us. And just when you were about to hate on Phil for being totally elitist and snobby, the princessy lesbian couple (who've already told us that they'd win the race if the clue sent them to find the nearest Louis Vuitton) Brandy and Carol sounded even more horrified. ''Public transportation to us is, like, not using a valet parker,'' Carol says. Shockingly — shockingly! — people in Los Angeles seem to know how to direct the teams to the Metro and the Flyaway Bus that takes them directly to the airport. Okay, I'll let my screw-you-Porsche-drivers rant go now.

Phil has already told us that the first three teams will make it onto a plane that arrives in Chile one hour earlier than the second team. And Joe has already declared to his teammate wife Heidi that they're in the lead, which, of course, is wrong. But it's just the first of what is sure to be plenty of opportunities for Joe to make himself look like a fool. He's told us with apparent pride that he's going to be the ''problem child'' of the race. ''Joe is very confrontational,'' his wife Heidi tells us. ''He certainly has said things that really piss people off.'' Is it his obnoxious demeanor or simply the puffy-faced disdain for his wife that makes him somewhat resemble Jon Gosselin to me?

Nonetheless, Jeff and Jordan (the absolutely adorable — if occasionally lacking on the IQ front — couple from last year's Big Brother house), Monique and Shawne (moms/attorneys who wear shirts that say cutesy bumper-sticker-sayings like ''Mompreneurs''), and Dana and Adrian (the doomed but lovey dovey high school sweethearts) luckily secure the only three spots on that first flight. And I say luckily because even after assuring Jeff that she knew Chile was a country, Jordan still showed up at the ticket counter and asked for a flight to China. Should we give her a free pass and say it's easy to confuse Chile with China? Both start with C. Both have two syllables and end in a vowel? Or should we be irate that the $1 million $500,000 winner of Big Brother couldn't even use a drop of that money for enrollment in a ''Hooked on Geographic Phonics'' seminar? For now, I'm still Team Jordan.

And just when you thought an hour's lead would be significant, along came Brandy and her fascinating-if-somewhat-disturbing connection to the gods of aviation and weather. ''We're praying for weather in Dallas and/or a major mechanical failure,'' she says. Um, did she actually just hope a plane breaks into pieces in mid air so she could take a leisurely jog instead of a sprint to the finish line? Wrong or right, there's something to be said for Brandy's mojo because that first plane did indeed have mechanical problems and everyone ended up on the same flight.

On the alarmingly opposite end of the mojo spectrum are Jet and Cord, the cowboy hats who think Amazing Race can't be much harder than riding a bull. After buying their tickets to Chile they decide to change money. Though we don't see the footage of them changing money, I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Person behind desk: Can I help you?
Jet and Cord: Yes, we'd like money to use in Chile.
Person behind desk: We don't have that currency here.
And let's pause here. The appropriate response would be for Jet and Cord not to change money. After all, if you specifically need an apple and the store is out, you simply don't come home with an apple. And unpause.
Jet and Cord: You got anything close?
Person behind desk: Close to Chile? Well, Brazil's on the same continent. You mean close like that?
Jet and Cord: Sounds good to us!
And scene.

Once in Chile (no, not China, and no, not Brazil), teams headed to Valparaiso which Phil tell us is the ''San Francisco of South America.'' Everyone hops on buses, except for our favorite money traders who quickly found out that Brazil and Chile are not, in fact, the same country and therefore do not, in fact, share a currency. ''Should I admit this?'' Jet asks Cord about fessing up to his faux pas. Amazingly, Team Cowboy Hat doesn't lose that much time.

Perhaps even more amazingly, models Caite and Brent were in the lead when they hit the roadblock where one person had to partake in ''cable walking,'' which meant walking the length of a football field, 120 feet above ground, on what looked like a laundry line. ''I kind of get scared but I'm not as scared as him,'' Jordan said of Jeff's fear of heights. And off she went, trying to chase down Caite. In her one endearing moment in the episode, Caite said, ''This is absolutely gorgeous.'' I'm always relieved when a contestant stops for a second to appreciate the scenery. Heidi was ready to try her skills on the laundry line until she was informed by Jon Gosselin that she's scared. Um, okay. Then came Dan and Jordan Pious, the brothers from Rhode Island who'd already made me laugh with their intro package (Jordan: ''Gay all the way. Gay is the only way.'' Dan: ''Not true''). Jordan shrieked with younger brother adoration, ''I love you bro!'' Even after Dan fell, Jordan came out with the glorious, ''just try to zhush yourself along!'' The American Dialect Society has defined the word as ''to primp or fluff up.'' So while Dan thought Jordan was telling him to move along, he was really being told to get his butt across that laundry line in the most fabulous way possible. Regardless, it worked, and the brothers were off.

Brandy could use some zhushing as she shook in terror on that wire. ''I am fearless,'' she said with a smile a few moments before showing a tremendous amount of fear. ''Please help me. I'm going to throw up,'' she said once on the wire. I wondered why Carol didn't't tell her there was a new branch of Louis Vuitton at the far end of the laundry line.

Other teams that I'm already feeling bored with (Phillies coach Steve and his daughter Allie, triathlete granny and her blah granddaughter Shannon) make it across with little screen time. I guess Betram V-M isn't that excited about them either. In the end, it's the detectives (Louis and Michael, in complimentary facial hair) and the high school sweethearts (Dana and Adrian) that are bringing up the caboose. Poor Adrian had an early lead, but the self-described ''Big Dog'' didn't quite have the bark — or balance — to finish the challenge.

After the cable walking, teams had to go down the hill in a funicular to the next challenge of painting part of a house. Silly me, I thought funicular was a word almost everyone on the planet knew, but apparently not. Brent and Caite simply decided to ignore the clue and walk down the hill. What exactly went through Brent's mind? ''Brent, there are words on this clue card. Let's ignore them''? Jeff isn't sure what to do either, as he asks, Jordan ''What's a fan-a-cular?'' At least he's smart enough to ask a local who points him in the right direction. They share a funicular down with the brothers and Dan said, ''Gosh, I guess I underestimated that team.'' Less true words were never spoken. (However, more inappropriate ones were, when brother Jordan said earlier in the episode ''I almost pooped in my pants when I saw'' the former Miss Teen South Carolina. But we'll forgive it because of the killer impersonation.)

Teams then had to choose four cans of paint and supplies and find a house with an empty area to be painted. ''We're looking for the Martha Stewart seafoam green. From the 1997 collection. Before jail,'' Carol said. Love her and her two-tone hair. Of course, carrying the equipment wasn't so easy for everyone. Dan lost a paintbrush, Jordan could barely carry the ladder (Jeff ended up lugging everything), and Monique managed to compare her difficulties to Jesus Christ. ''I thought if Jesus can do this I can do this. I'm trying to be like Jesus,'' she said.

Nope, she wasn't talking about turning the other cheek. She was equating the cross with a local ladder that's maybe kinda heavy. I don't know if Jesus is an Amazing Race fan and even if he is I don't know if he gave up after last season. But I do know that he doesn't want that kind of shout-out.

In the least astute move of the episode, Steve and Allie went inside a house and started painting a wall red, much to the hilarious chagrin of the local painter. Well, at least they had a sense of humor about their flub. ''I went from genius to ‘are you kidding me, Dad?''' Steve said. Louis and Michael, the cops who made the unfortunate proclamation at the top of the episode that ''I hate to be cocky but I see us winning every leg,'' try to convince themselves that painting light blue over an already-painted patch of violet is a good idea. One of them sounds exactly like Ray Romano. Not sure which. Not sure why I can't tell which. Maybe their facial hair blinds me. Sure enough, all the teams (except poor Dana and Adrian who were back on top of the laundry line from hell) finish. ''Danke!'' said Caite when she was handed the next clue. Just to recap, people: Chile is not China, Brazil, or Germany.

Finally, it was time for the pit stop at Palacio Baburizza, a 90-year old chalet. Jeff and Jordan won a trip to Vancouver. Caite and Brent arrived second only to be told of their 30-minute penalty for avoiding the funicular. At this point we learned that they wrote the word ''details'' on their hands to remind themselves of paying attention to details. It's not like these clues resemble the reading comprehension section of the SATs. There aren't too many details to follow in 2-3 sentences. But hey, whatever works. I wonder what slogans didn't make the cut. ''Open mouth before speaking?'' ''Close eyes before going to sleep?'' They were finally checked in as team number seven, but Caite insisted ''technically we really are second.'' Well, technically, one could refer to Iraq as ''The Iraq'' but that doesn't make it any more correct. Bringing up the rear were Louis and Michael (who, sorry, didn't win even their first leg) and Triathlete Granny, who's got a hell of a lot more fight in her than Shannon, the ''healthcare outreach contract analyst'' (whatever that means) granddaughter.

Alas, Phil had to abandon the Chilean musicians and the emotional comfort of the Amazing Race picnic blanket to go back up Laundry Line Mountain in order to put Adrian out of his misery. ''My arms were fatigued. My heart was racing,'' Adrian said after failing attempting to cross the line. His wonderfully patient wife could only say, ''The main thing is that he tried his best. And by him trying his best I can't help but be proud of him.'' And cue the tears.

Super Bowl XLIV

Biji came over yesterday afternoon to watch the Super Bowl with Robert (and me, I guess) and I have to say I enjoyed it more watching it with a friend. As I reflect on sports' longest game ever, here are my thoughts:

(1) There are a LOT of ads and just a liiiiiittle bit of football. It seemed worse this year than others for some reason.

(2) This year's ads were lame. Not one was memorable... for a good reason. (I think the Emerald Nuts/Pop Secret commercial is the one I remember most but definitely not because it was good!! Still, memory counts for a lot in advertising so I guess in that sense it was a good commercial.) This was Robert's favorite

and only because he thought "Pass that guacamole" was HI-larious! Biji thought more of the commercials were funny than Robert or I did but he also likes Big Bang Theory. His comedy meter is a little wonky. (Sorry, Wade.)

(3) The Who sucked big time as half time entertainment. Not only did Roger Daltrey look like he was straining every last bit of himself to hit any notes but Pete Townshend needed to button his shirt if he insisted on doing so many windmills. Plus, all they did was play a medley of CSI themes!!! (And CSI: Miami's (a.k.a. "Won't Get Fooled Again") was last, did you notice? Shout-out to the hosting city!) I know CBS is in to cross-promotion but that was ridiculous. (And yes, I know those songs were big hits for The Who, too, but they also had hits like "My Generation," "I Can See For Miles," "Magic Bus," "Love Reign O'er Me"... They could've played one of those - or even the two songs that weren't CSI themes that were in their halftime set - for longer than 1 verse to flesh out the show!) Biji really wanted us to fast-forward through it all but Robert is a big Who guy so we sat through the whole thing. It's a memory I'll cherish forever.

(4) Knowing nothing about football and thus having no opinion on whether or not New Orleans truly deserved to be in the Super Bowl at all, I rooted for the Saints because they were the underdog. I was therefore as happy as I can get about football that they won. :o)

(5) I had no idea the next season of The Amazing Race starts next week until I saw all the commercials saying so. I am so out of the loop!!!! What has happened to me?! Now that I'm 30, things are just passing me by. Sucks.

And finally, Biji wasn't going to make it because he had a lot of homework to do but ultimately I think we guilt-tripped him into watching with us by telling him it was probably going to be the last Super Bowl we'd watch together. Seeing as it's the last time we'll be in the same state for a long time (if ever again) after he leaves later this year. This thought actually made me teary as I went to bed last night. Stupid smooshy heart. Stupid Biji! Way to ruin the Super Bowl for me. For...eh...ver.

The Daily Show: Gays in the Military, Olds in the Senate

By request*, here's last night's John Oliver clip:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Few Gay Men & Women
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

* Robert thought this clip was hilarious and left me this morning with "You should put it on the bloooooooo..." as he headed out the door. I am happy to oblige but the man doesn't even read the blog anymore! (Not since RHI blocked access and he can't read it during his "lunch." [I say "lunch" because Robert quite often bypasses it altogether, preferring to eat a bag of chips from the vending machine while continuing to work.])

The Last Piece of the Puppy Puzzle!

YAY!!! I was a bit snarky about Sneezy's owner in an earlier post but the dude came through. Late yesterday afternoon I got an e-mail from the last remaining Snow White family member:

"I adopted Sneezy, his new name is Timber. As you all have probably noticed, our dogs are genetically confused. Timber had a hard time deciding what type of dog he wanted to be with the size of his ears and his body hair. In the end, he took on the shape of a German Shepherd with a terrier face and a Husky style tail. He is the most loving, energetic and curious puppy I have ever owned. He has the strangest disposition in that he loves to watch TV and he is capable of recognizing any animal including those which are animated. He too likes to bark at statues of bears and other animals. He is approximately 55lbs and has an incredible personality. He has a 6lb Pomeranian as his best friend and he is incredibly gentle and protective of him. Timber loves to play at the beach, digging in the sand and running out into the waves, and likes to swim in any body of water, small or large. His only downside is that he is very verbal and likes to let me know he is bored, anxious, or excited, by whining at me."

Wow! I keep saying it over and over (but this is the last puppy so it'll be the last time) but I just cannot get over how diverse the SW litter turned out to be! They all looked similar as puppies but yowza did they grow up differently! (I don't think puppy Timber looks anything like adult Timber, do you? There's just no hint of terrier-like features at ALL!) The ears, the coats, the tails, the weights and personalities are all different. Garfunkel definitely has the shape of a German Shepherd and I can see his body in Timber's. But where did all the terrier-like beard faces come from?! Crazy. And how did the two smallest dogs wind up to be so darn big?! (Though I think Cooper is the biggest; he just looks huge in his photos!) Garfunkel IS a bit of a whiner, though, so he and Timber certainly share that little personality trait. And the big, bat-like ears. :o) Oh, and the protective nature - Garfunkel is very protective of little Quigley when he thinks someone he doesn't know is messing with his friend.

So, to wrap up, here's a final collage of the Snow White litter. Amazing.

Almost a Complete Set

Weehoo! Ask and ye shall receive. :o) Here are some photos of Garufunkel's sister, Doc, who is now Bella. According to her new family, Bella "is the sweetest puppy ever. She has beautiful markings and she is very loving. She's approx 50 pounds. She gets a little scared at new things, like ceiling fans. And she really doesn't like statues for some reason. But she has not been a trouble maker at all. She knows what her toys are and she only chews her toys. :-) She loves the water and being sprayed by the hose."

I'm really baffled by the sizes of the puppies. How did Bella and Grumpy wind up so much smaller than the rest when they weren't the runts of the litter?! Weird. And I'm surprised Bella likes water since Garfunkel does NOT. Well, that's not entirely true - he does love to chase the spray from the hose when Robert sprays down the patio. But he does not love swimming pools or baths and he only likes puddles every once in a while. Physically speaking, though, I think Bella most closely resembles the Funk. They definitely have the same kind of tail and, more than any of the other puppies, Bella's ears are most like Garfunkel's. Right?

The 4th Funk Sibling

This is Grumpy, one of Garfunkel's sisters. I think her family kept her name Grumpy since the e-mail they sent last week doesn't mention a new name. Then again, their e-mail was pretty lame so maybe they just left it out! Here's their description of Grumpy: "She has been so much fun to have around although she is a big trouble maker. We've lost about a dozen socks and often find kitchen utensils hiding in our backyard. She is over 50 lbs now." Not super informative - and the photo isn't showing me much of the puppy - but it's better than nothing! And though the description is brief I definitely see shades of Garfunkel in there - he just LOVES to snag a sock from the laundry basket or hamper and either toss it into the air over and over or try and goad us into chasing him. I'm surprised Grumpy is so small (relative to her siblings); Dopey and Garfunkel were the two runts of the litter and they're both 60 pounds now.

So, now we've heard from Grumpy, Dopey, Happy and Sleepy but we have yet to hear from Doc or Sneezy. Sneezy's dad flaked on the pick-up event so I doubt we'll ever hear from him but I would like to know how Doc turned out, since he was the only grey-and-black pup of the litter.