Today's Tidbit - Dmitri's a Dick

I don't like to make a habit of posting old items but this - it's about a week old - was too good to pass up. [Plus, with the holiday weekend approaching, good gossip is thinning out FAST!] Apparently, a dude named Dmitri hit on some chick named Olga in the SF Marina, after which Olga gave him her card and told him to call her. He did; she didn't return his call. He called back and was none too impressed by her 'passive aggressive' behavior. The original post can be found at The Sherman Foundation blog - worth checking out because the original messages are posted there. I haven't listened to them yet (since I'm still at work) but I read that they are HI-larious. Jezebel.com was kind enough to make a transcript of the messages, the entirety of which follows:

Message 1

Hey Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and needed to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I thought I had better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me six or seven times a day. But I'm extremely particular about what I like. You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous — even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. I don't know if you picked up the message on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'll be doing that all weekend…

This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and we'll get together for coffee or drinks, and let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that wasn't timidness, I hope it was just shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who is very independent and strong. So… we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.

Message 2:

Hi there, Olga it's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street.
I left you a message several days ago you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here's how it's gonna work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume, I'll assume that you've already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, so I'll grant you that. But if I don't receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon I'm no longer interested and I'm going to erase your number. I don't play games like that. I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months; I had a long distance relationship for about a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that; there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you the three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you by then, you lose my number — I'm erasing your number right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, maybe you're not playing games, I don't know… maybe you were abused in childhood?…Maybe your mother has cancer, and you're going to chemo…maybe you're just a person who's extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that…I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of. But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. You let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life that's prevented you from returning my calls, that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay, bye.

Movie Morsels 20 - Hancock

Blech. I don't like Will Smith. I know, it's akin to blasphemy but there it is. I find Will annoying. Cocky. Conceited. Overrated. And everywhere! Ugh. As my dad would say: "His face annoys me."

Originally, Biji thought he wouldn't make it down to Fremont until July 15th or so. It's all well and good that he's coming into town two weeks sooner... but for the fact that now he'll be in town when the crap that is Hancock is first released. Boo. I am putting my foot down - I will not see the movie!!! Biji dragged me to see G.I. Jane in the theater and that was bad enough to last me several lifetimes of movie karmic debt I think! Ooh, it was terrible. Plus, Biji always falls asleep in the theater (of all the films we've seen with him, either at home or in the theater, the only one he's stayed awake all the way through for is Casino Royale. It's true. Ask Robert.) so how will he really know if I'm there or he's alone?

And, as the gesture of a true friend, I am posting a review of a sneak preview showing which spoils the entire movie. So, uh, if you don't want to know what happens, you should move along now. However, if you want to save yourself $20 (not including snacks) and 80 minutes of torture, keep reading. (I am posting the review in its entirety - it's LONG (and oddly written) - save for a few superfluous bits. Review courtesy of Latino Review]

Saw a super-secret advance screening of Hancock yesterday at the Bridge in L.A. Both producer Akiva Goldsman and Sony head Amy Pascal were in attendance. Akiva was looking mighty nervous as the movie was about to unspool... you see, this was a surprise screening for the common folks and not an industry event. No one in the audience knew which film they were seeing as they filed into the room... but everyone was secretly hoping it was THE DARK KNIGHT. When one of the studio lackeys announced that the film we were seeing was Hancock the reaction was, to say the least, subdued. The usual pre-amble followed about how the effects were not totally rendered, some shots were not color corrected, etc.

Well, Mr. Goldman was right to be nervous... the film is an unmitigated mess... SPOILERS AHEAD--

It opens with slick Willie on the roof of an L.A. building drunk as a skunk while a radio voice-over tells us in an obvious heavy exposition sequence what an asshole Hancock is... more public nuisance than hero, blah-blah... Hancock walks off the building and slams into the asphalt below destroying the pavement and several cars (he causes lots of property damage throughout the film - it kinda gets redundant. We get that he's a drunk, move on). As Hancock lays on the smashed concrete while he's smashed from the all the alcohol consumption, a homeless guy walks up to him and calls him an asshole (I can't remember the last time I heard that expletive so often in a big budget summer film). Basically the film spends the next 30 minutes showing us what an asshole Will smith can be.

We cut to the scene in the trailer when he lands in the back of a car being chased by cops on the highway. The Asian robbers shoot Hancock, bullets bounce off him and Hancock pulls a Fred Flinstone, punching his feet through the floor of the car and bringing it to a halt. He lifts the car into the sky and impales it on the Capitol Records building... what an asshole.

Then Hancock goes to a bar and gets even more drunk… Anyhow, he's approached by a gorgeous African-American girl who comes on to him hard core. Hancock brings her back to his lair – two nasty, dilapidated motor homes that are stuck together – and Hancock proceeds to show her his... well, you're not gonna believe this part but he tells the chick that she has to get away from him when he's about to blow his load (the actual quote was "when I climb the mountain")... and then we cut to the exterior shot of the two motor homes rocking like crazy. Willie was giving her his hancock (I know I couldn't resist). Then we cut back inside and the girl flies across the room. Then three large baseball-sized holes are poked through the ceiling of the motor home like gunshots. Yup, this is a first in cinematic history. We get to see the results of super-ejaculate. I never thought I would see super-semen on the big screen... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... this was preposterous... it was at this point that I knew this was a debacle in the making. This was definitely a "what the fuck were they thinking moment" if ever I saw one. The problem with this film is that it doesn't know if it wants to be a comedy or a serious action film. Maybe they never knew. But the film only got worse as it went along. The only bright spot was Jason Bateman. God bless Bateman for actually being the grounding force of goodness and smart humor in this mess... although, the way Hancock meets Bateman is clichéd. Bateman's car is stuck on the train tracks while a train is careening toward him. A drunken Hancock saves Bateman but not before causing yet more property damage, which upsets the folks at the scene of the accident. Bateman invites Hancock to his house to meet his wife Charlize Theron and his adorable kid (the kid was great, Charlize did the best with her very underdeveloped role). There's an immediate weirdness and wariness between Charlize and Hancock (more on that later).

Bateman is a publicist with big kind heart... the kind of PR schlub that only exist in movies but you buy it because Bateman's so good. He offers to polish Hancock's image. Hancock ultimately takes the offer. Batemen tells Hancock that step 1 is to turn himself in to the cops. “Let the world miss you and then they will come begging for your services.” Hancock reluctantly agrees. The whole thing about sending a super-being to jail was a stupid idea... he can bust out at any moment but I digress. In jail, Hancock encounters many old enemies that he actually put there and then in an altercation, Hancock actually shoves an inmate’s head into another inmate’s ass... you actually see this!!! You actually see a guy's head in another guy’s ass! And hilarity ensues. I just could not believe what I was seeing.

Later, a bank robbery occurs with many hostages and a massive shootout. The mayor calls on Hancock for help. In jail, Hancock rises, shaves his scruffy beard with his fingernails and puts on his nifty new supersuit (which looks like a leftover from the X-men franchise. Way to be original, costume design team).

Hancock confronts a redneck madman who has a pressure bomb trigger in his hand. If he let's go of the trigger everyone goes boom! Hancock severs the bomber's hand, saving everyone. The city is grateful, the cops are grateful and so begins Hancock's road to redemption and public image glory.

Also, throughout the film we see FLASHBACKS that show Hancock running thorough a rainy forest with a child in his arms. We always see the same flashback multiple times in the film with a voice-over by Smith about dying vs. immortality but get this – the flashbacks are never resolved or explained! I almost felt like I missed something. Like there was a reel missing (hell, maybe there is). It was exactly like the flashbacks in Batman Forever (another Akiva masterpiece) in which little Bruce Wayne keeps seeing a diary beside his parents two coffins... but we never found out what was in the damn diary that so traumatized little Brucie!

Anyway, Bateman and his wife Charlize take Hancock to a fancy restaurant to celebrate his rehabilitated image. At the restaurant, Hancock explains that he's not an alien, he's human... the last thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital 80 years ago with two tickets to the movie Frankenstein in his pocket. More weirdness between Charlize and Willcock.

Later that night, they all return to Bateman's home. Bateman is passed out drunk. Charlize is alone in the kitchen with Hancock. Hancock is about to kiss her when she suddenly picks him up and throws Hancock out the window with vicious force. OH MY GOD, Charlize is a superhero too!!! This is the big twist. Charlize later reveals that she and Will are descendants of Gods or Angels... she was at one time Isis. She also reveals that they were once husband and wife! We also find out that they are each others respective kryptonite. The more time they spend together, the weaker and more mortal they become... so they need to stay apart. She was at the movies with Willcock 80 years ago. They were on the road to mortality when Will saw a man getting mugged. Will intervened and got clocked in the skull. He lost his memory and Charlize decided to disappear from his life because the world needs one hero – Hancock!

Willcock wants his wife (Charlize) back and vows to destroy every living thing to get her (this is never really explored or developed but could have been very cool). It leads to a huge showdown between Will and Charlize... more needless property damage. Charlize is stronger than him. Bateman finds out that his wife is a super-being. He's pissed. Bateman accuses Willcock of being selfish because he wants Bateman's life. Depressed, Hancock goes to a liquor store and buys more booze only to thwart a robbery in progress, except this time the bullets don't bounce off him. He's gunned down and bleeding. He's rushed to the hospital. Bateman and Charlize show up. This is the climax of the film, so the mad bomber from the bank with the severed hand escapes from jail and heads to the hospital. Hancock is in a hospital bed, Charlize by his side when the Bomber and his cronies show up and shoot Charlize. She's bleeding and dying. Willcock suddenly gets his super strength back (I have no idea how since they're supposed to be each others kryptonite... I'm still not sure about the rules in this movie).

The doctor's are trying to resuscitate Charlize while Willcock fights the baddies... but the closer Charlize is to death the stronger Will gets. But if she gets better Will gets weaker... to be honest, it was all very muddy and needs to be better explained or edited... I was confused. Anyway, Will throws all the baddies out the windows except for the big villain who is knocked out by an angry Bateman who in turn saves Willcock.

Willcock sees that Charlize is dying and he jumps out of the hospital trying to get as far away from her as possible so she can regain her strength/immortality/whatever. In the end, Bateman and Charlize are together and happy while Hancock is in New York sitting atop the Chrysler building saving lives in the big apple.

In my humble opinion, if the filmmakers want to save this film, drop all the silly stuff, like the super-ejaculation, the inmates head in the ass, and the lousy opening sequence and just stick to a straight forward action film... otherwise this will be Will Smith's first box office dud since WILD WILD WEST.

But what really infuriates me is that with all the resources at their disposal, no one knew what film they were making. This film is the equivalent of being tone deaf. Hence, the panic I was reading on the executives’ faces after the screening. This film is not as dark as it thinks it is and not as funny as it thinks it is. It's right down the middle and that's a dangerous place to be. IRON MAN got the tone right. The DARK KNIGHT knows exactly what it wants to be. HANCOCK is going into the most competitive summer season since the glorious summer of 1989… Half-Cocked.

Trout BBQ

In keeping with the tardy posting I've been doing of late, here's a bit from back back on June 14th...

Christina's brother, Jim is headed to WASU - with his wife, Karen, of course! - to pursue his Ph.D. As such, the Trouts gave Jim a going away party and Robert and I were invited. Rob couldn't make the trip out to CA with Christina but it was a great opportunity to catch up with Christina... and a good way to get our butts out of the house to meet up with Emily and Paul, who live about a mile away from Robert and I but with whom we never really get together because neither Emily nor I like the phone. So there you go. :o) I always enjoy hanging out with the Trouts, as I've said before, and I was glad to have a chance to see Jim and Karen before they left. (Karen was always a friendly face in a sea of strangers at both Emily and Christina's respective wedding showers!) I feel so bad for Mrs. Trout - now all her kids live out-of-state. My mother would shrivel up and die!! Mrs. Trout definitely looked like she needed a hug a couple times throughout the night... Anyway, the food was fantastic (Robert had three full plates! I have a picture of him eating but he looks a little... less than his best so he's requested that I omit it from the post) and the company was better so what better way is there to spend a Saturday? I just hope Christina makes it back to CA sometime before next year...

Emily, Paul (with Moochie), Christina & I

Moochie is THE CUTEST dog ever!!! After seeing him that weekend and then hanging out with my sister's dog last weekend, I am having some serious puppy pangs. Robert is not excited.

Yes, it's June and yes, we are wearing parkas. Actually, Emily is tougher than I am - I have a thinner jacket on under my parka!! (All three jackets belong to the Trouts... I was stupid and didn't bring one. Did I mention it was mid-June? C'mon!)

Movie Morsels 19 - The Dark Knight (Limited Time)

Direct from TunaFlix this morning:

What is it with movie trailers and pizza these days? First Papa John’s premiered the Mummy 3 trailer, now Dominos has an extended Dark Knight trailer you can only watch if you’ve ordered a pizza in the last 48 hours. And because that’s probably the stupidest condition for watching a preview I can possibly think of, you can also watch the awesome new trailer above. And I won’t even ask for a tip.

This really is a stupid idea - but Domino's needs the help, I'm sure. But is this promo even advertised anywhere? I haven't seen it... but (1) I have TiVo and (2) I don't like Domino's so those could be contributing factors to my neglecting whatever ads there are. :o) Even if I had seen it, though, I would not really be tempted to ordering anything from Domino's. Bleh. Plus, I obviously have the connections... and thanks to me, now so do you!

UPDATE: I just stumbled across a link to two behind-the-scenes videos at IESB.net.

(And these actually have behind-the-scenes footage... not like the lamer Quantum of Solace video I posted yesterday!)

Facebook

God only knows why but I have just created a Facebook account for myself. I am one of the most antisocial people I know - why am I joining a networking site?!! Seriously. I do not know but the deed is done, so there you go. If you have an account, feel free to look me up (though there's nothing of much substance in my profile). And if you know what's up with all the hugging, poking, egg hatching, etc., stuff please fill me in. I am lazy; I doubt I'll look into myself. :o)

Movie Morsels 18 - Quantum of Solace

The new trailer for next Bond film came out today:

It opens on November 7th - my 11th anniversary! Maybe I'll get lucky and Robert will treat me to a showing...

Here is a clip of some Bond girl (Olga Somethingorother) behind-the-scenes action:

Father's Day

Yes, yes, I know - Father's Day was weeks ago. But, I wanted to wait until I had all my pictures together before I posted something and my sister just got around to sending me her photos today. So blame Melanie - I do. :o)

The first six pictures are from the Kimball family celebration which took place on the 7th. This year we stuck to our recent tradition of the kiddies making dinner for the parents. As such, Mel and Wade providee the entree and a dessert while Robert and I were in charge of the salad and a second dessert. "But your part sounds so puny by comparison!," you say? True. But... I made homemade salad dressing people!!! And I'm the younger sister - that automatically means I get less responsibility. Just the way it works. Older sisters get to drive first and to even the karmic scale, they must provide more food at a BBQ 18 years later. It's simple physics.

Robert helped out with the "shishie" preparation and had a heck of a time with the onions. Of course, when I tried to take a photo of him tearing up, he tried to look unaffected and made fun of his 'supposed' weepiness. Whatever - we all know the truth! And while my mother would lie for him, Mel and I would not.

I was also in charge of the Rice-a-Roni preparation because, well, I just make it better than my sister. Even her husband said so (for which he paid dearly later, I'm sure). My sister makes it in a sauce pan. A sauce pan?!! No, no, no, no, no - too mushy. Must use skillet. Der. While I was waiting for it to boil, I fashioned myself a pot holder hat. Nice, no?

I'm really not entirely sure what Robert's doing in this photo... but he sure looks excited!

Wade and Robert, the dishwashers for the evening.


The father in front of his spread...

Mel, Me and my dad. I think I see a slight resemblance... ;o)

The remaining photos are from the McCauley family celebration, which was on Father's Day proper. Again, a family BBQ was on the itinerary; however, the McCauleys were very sweet and invited my parents to join in the festivities. Robert (and I, by extension) was in charge of the entree this time, though, with Maria and I handling the hors d'oeuvres and Carmen the side dishes. Robert had never been the man in charge before and he was not a pleasant guy to be around, I must say. He was all stressed out about how much this and how much that to have on hand and how soon should he start this and how long will that take and blah blah blah. Stressful much?! Yeesh. He was fine once the food was on the grill but there was a whole lot of time in between buying the goodies and getting them on the grill, you know? No one knows how I suffer...

Robert and Maria bought Bob some Hooters gift cards for his gift...

They also bought him the beer sleeve, though it was Maria's idea to present the cards on the Kozy. I thought it was rather inventive!

(I probably could've used my head a bit and not posed the Hooters in front of the somewhat suggestive looking pigs in a blanket, eh?)

Bob enjoying (or ogling?) his gift.

Carmen, Bob, Maria & Robert. Oh, and the Hooters Kozy.

Robert looks a wee bit deranged as he skewers the vegetables...

I am a total girl when it comes to raw meat - I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate handling raw meat!!! Do you SEE how nice I'm being to Robert here?

Manning the grill...

Protecting my dad's head from the elements.

There must have been some potent stuff in the sangria because my mother HATES having her picture taken - and she actually asked me to take this photo! She was very excited that her outfit matched her drink...

All in all, I think everyone had an excellent time at all BBQs involved and what more could you ask for for Father's Day?

(Robert should ask for some new clothes - he's wearing the same shirt at both functions!! Egads, man! When I pointed this out to him he said "Well, my birthday's coming up soon..." So I guess that means you should expect to see this shirt several more times before October rolls around...)

Mullet Goo Man Whore Lies Again

Whee!! This post from Defamer cracked me up! And since I don't have much else to post, I'm including it in its entirety. Enjoy.


In the annals of celebrity scandal, the question of whether a Saved By the Bell co-star fibbed about his chest hair would surely rank below most — but not to the aggrieved, vigilant readers of Star magazine. After Mario Lopez gave an interview with People where he testified — under oath, no doubt — that he has never had to manscape, Star dug out old photos of the Dancing With the Stars alum that tell a different tale. What started as an eagle-eyed catch by connoisseurs of celebrity skin quickly became full-on outrage as fans of Lopez flocked to the forum to castigate their former idol. Said Star:

Apparently honesty isn't always the best policy for Mario Lopez.

Last week, Star told you that Mario was double-timing his recent ex, Karina Smirnoff, with a Hooters waitress. Now, we've caught him telling another fib.

Recently named to a magazine's hot bachelor list, Mario was asked during the accompanying interview if he "manscapes," which means removing excess body hair via waxing, shaving, laser or plucking. He responded, "Not at all. That's the Latin Indian blood in me. My Dad has a hairy chest, but I don't."

So how come he has a hairy chest in this 2003 photo... and a bare one in a more recent one?

J'accuse! Reader "blah" recoiled in shock, spitting, "What a liar! You can see the stubble on his ta'ta's... He is a complete loser!!" But perhaps no one was more hurt than "chris," who said, "I think Mario is pretty dishonest. He talks about how religious he is, and has such a strong faith. Excuse me...since when is not being honest ok?"

Indeed, Chris! Did Moses (or whoever) die for our sins so that Mario Lopez could lie to Hollywood publications about his smooth chest? Who among us will stand idly by while the pecs of Hollywood's so-called "Christians" go unchecked? Kudos, Star magazine: only one tabloid had the guts to adhere to that most forgotten of commandments (Commandment 9c): "thou shalt not worship false razors."

[Photo Credit: Star Magazine]

Movie Morsels 17 - Transformers 2 & Bourne 4

I'm very glad I stumbled across TunaFlix a while back - it's a site that doesn't update as often as others but it usually provides very reliable info. You could just go there yourself to get the latest scoop, I guess... But why would you deliberately rob me of such a small pleasure, hmm? Mew for me. :o(

* Guilt trips aside, here's the latest on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (they got rid of the '2' a few weeks back. Ooh.):

• We already knew the sequel would focus on Shia’s “Sam growing up and going to college … a teenager growing into a man,” but apparently “although both characters have grown from high school- to college-age since the first “Transformers” installment, only LaBeouf’s Witwicky is off to college because Fox’s Banes can’t afford school, Bay said.” But when Fox comes to visit, all hell breaks loose, because a scene shot outside the Ivy League school’s gym reportedly has Shia and Megan (along with a healthy number of extras) running for their lives.
• A mini-article in Empire featured this cryptic quote from Josh Duhamel: “I guess who he’s working with is probably the biggest change,” said Duhamel, before adding once more, presumably for emphasis. “Who he’s working with.”

Supposedly, we are to glean from Josh's remark that the Autobots and Decepticons will be teaming up to fight an even more dangerous foe like The Fallen (as hinted at by the film's title), alternately described as "a relatively obscure character from the comics" and "an incredibly powerful robot – one of the thirteen original Transformers." While Empire thinks this scenario is likely, TunaFlix leans toward not jumping to conclusions just yet. Since I don't care, I can't say. However, if you want to read the Empire piece or an on-set article from The New Jersey Times, you may do so here and here.

* Also mentioned in today's TunaFlix updates was a bit on the 4th movie in the Bourne franchise. I must admit that I have a little egg on my face - I had no idea the 4th movie had already been greenlit! I knew there were talks and blah blah blah but had no inkling that the movie already has a proposed title (The Bourne Legacy) and release year (2010) or that it already has pages at IMDb and Wikipedia. Where the heck have I been?!!!! Dang.

Anyway, in a video interview with producer Frank Marshall (at the recent Saturn Awards), the IESB states that director "Paul Greengrass will aim to start shooting next summer with an eye towards a 2010 release, and although there is a fourth Bourne book (not written by Robert Ludlum), Marshall indicated they’ll be taking their “own direction” with the as-yet-untitled Bourne 4." Really? 'Cause I didn't get that the movies weren't faithful to the books when Marie DIED in the second movie whereas she's married and living with Jason in Maine in the books. But whatever. It doesn't matter if the 4th movie's plot involves Jason Bourne churning butter in an Amish community, I will have to see it because Robert has a man-crush on all things Bourne. Yip. Pee. I'll just have to run The Bourne Identity through my head as I pretend to watch #4...

That Cookie?

The Cookie Monster made an appearance on last Thursday's Colbert Report and it even made Robert laugh, so I figure it must actually be pretty funny. :o)

The Colbert Report
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My favorite bit? It's probably your favorite, too - "Me have crazy times in 70s and 80s. Me like the Robert Downey, Jr. of cookies." (@ the 3:40 mark) I love it! That was Robert's favorite part, too.

The Colbert Report
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